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Five-Minute "A Private Little War"


Kirk: Ahh, this place is just like I remember it. Venomous apes... primitive, naive villagers.... This place is a paradise in every respect.
Spock: Those villagers appear to be wielding flintlock rifles.
Kirk: Well that's strange....
Spock: They seem to be ambushing that approaching party of hill people.
Kirk: ...still not inconsistent with "paradise", per se....
Spock: That one hill person is wearing a shirt that says, "Kirk + Tyree = BFF"
Kirk: All right, all right. We'll do something.

Rock Thrown By Kirk: Crash!
Villagers: Huh?
Kirk: Hooray! Now the villagers will attack us instead of Tyree!
Spock: If I weren't dying, I'd kill you.

(Kirk, Spock, and McCoy materialize aboard the Enterprise.)
Scotty: Captain, a Klingon cruiser has entered orbit!
Chekov: And the villagers have obviously been furnished with technology beyond their natural progression!
McCoy: And Spock is dying on me!
Kirk: One at a time, people! Now then, I'll need something from each of you. Scotch, vodka, and bourbon, respectively.
Scotty and McCoy: But --
Kirk: And one at a time, please.

McCoy: (ahem) Reporting as ordered, sir.
Kirk: How's Spock? Hic.
McCoy: Dunno. Some crazy upstart doctor who claims to have interned at a Vulcan hospital is with him.
Kirk: Ah. Then I suppose you and Jack Daniels are available for a landing party.
McCoy: Jim, you can't just drink away team your problems.
Kirk: "Drink away team"? Hey, that bottle is half empty!
McCoy: It's half dull, fammit!

Captain's Log: After much deliberation, Dr. McCoy and I have finally beamed down to the surface. Jack Daniels is otherwise occupied.
Chapel: Poor Spock! Hic.

McCoy: Are you sure this is a good idea, Jim?
Kirk: What's to object to? We're simply investigating possible Klingon cultural contamination as per our orders.
McCoy: I know. I just feel the compulsive need to object to everything.
Mugatu: ROWR!
Kirk: Aaagh! Ape bite!
Mugatu: GAK!
Kirk: Thanks Bones, but now I'm dying too. You'd better get me to the hill people before it's too late!
McCoy: Are you sure that's a good idea, Jim?

Medical Log: This "Tyree" guy is apparently on his way. My job is to keep Jim warm by phasering rocks. I think that's against the Prime Directive or something. Hey, don't blame me. Jim started it.

Tyree: I am naive and childlike.
Nona: I am conniving and manipulative. And our romance is awkward and hard to justify. But kiss me anyway!
Tyree and Nona: Mmmpphhhmm--
Hill Person: Sorry to interrupt, but there is a stranger in our village. His name is Kirk. He will die without your help.
Tyree: Jim! My Best Friend Forever! He has the other half of this heart-shaped necklace -- you must cure him, Nona!
Nona: If I am to cure him I must know more about him. He wouldn't, by any chance, know how to obtain sophisticated weaponry?
Tyree: Why do you ask?

Dr. M'Benga: Don't be too worried, Nurse. Spock is simply using self-hypnosis to heal himself. He's actually quite conscious.
Chapel: You haven't the faintest idea how hypnosis works, do you?
M'Benga: If you'll excuse me, I'll be in the other room treating my acne with leeches.

Nona: Behold, this ceremony will cleanse your captain of the poison!
McCoy: Technically it's venom. Poison is excreted or --
Nona: Habookalakabookalaka!
McCoy: ...of course, I wouldn't expect you primitives to --
Nona: Poison, be-GONE!
McCoy: Just what the hell happened?
Kirk: Me tired. Kirk go sleep now.
Nona: Your captain is now mine forever. (faints)
McCoy: I feel like I missed something very wrong and very dirty.

Kirk: Zzzzzzz...what's that Yeoman, of course I wouldn't mind if you --
McCoy: Jim, wake up! Explain what just happened!
Kirk: I was awake. Wait a second, you're not a yeoman....
Tyree: I will explain. Our friend was healed by my wife. She is a witch person of the Kahn-ut-tu.
Tyree: Come, let us speak of current events.
McCoy: Better wait until he's finished.
Kirk: All right, let's talk.

Chapel: Spock's readings are fluctuating!
M'Benga: That may or may not mean he is close to regaining consciousness. If he wakes up and makes a request, do whatever he asks.
Chapel: Huh? Why?
M'Benga: (shrugs) Maybe he has some idea how to heal a Vulcan gunshot wound.

Tyree: The villagers are making firesticks. I can show you if you'd like.
Nona: And in return, we should be shown how to make better, stronger firesticks!
Kirk: Our people have a directive which doesn't allow us to interfere by giving one side the upper hand.
McCoy: Doesn't that directive also prohibit this sort of conversation in the first place?
Kirk: Sometimes.

Klingon: Come, let me show you the next technological improvement we will make to your weaponry.
Apella: I still can't think of a logical reason why Klingons would be giving weapons to pre-warp civilizations.
Klingon: We're turning you into Klingons, not Vulcans, dammit!

McCoy: Check out this replicated gun barrel. Proof that the villagers are being furnished with Klingon arms.
Kirk: And check out this "2268 Babes of the Bat'leth" calendar. Proof that the villagers are being furnished with Klingon br--
Klingon: Arrest those men!
Apella: ACK!
Klingon: Heh. Ack-appela. ACK!
Tyree: Run to the hills!
Kirk: (snirk)
Tyree: What? I am a hill person. What is so funny?

Spock: Nurse, hit me!
Chapel: But I can't! I'm not much of a sadist....
Spock: That'll be quite enough, Dr. M'Benga. I'm quite fully healed.
M'Benga: Hooray! I helped! I'm helpful!

Kirk: Good work, Tyree. But next time, try aiming above the construction worker's waist.
McCoy: Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Kirk: Teaching them to fight back against the village people.
McCoy: First, they're villagers, not village people. Second, that's the single worst violation of the Prime Directive I've ever heard.
Kirk: We're merely keeping the balance as nature intended. With guns, germs, and steel.
McCoy: Try explaining that to Tyree.
Kirk: You're right. I'd better go have a long talk with his wife.
McCoy: That makes absolutely no sense. And I'm not sure I want it to.

Nona: You have arrived, James Kirk.
Kirk: You can call me Jimmy Kirkerino for short.
Nona: Um... that's longer. But no matter, I shall use my spells to stupefy you, and then steal your phaser! Habookalakaboo--
Mugatu: ROWR!
Nona: Oh no, do something!
Kirk: Can't... stupefied by... infatuation....
Nona: (sigh) Very well, I'll do it myself.
Mugatu: GAK!
Nona: And I'm not giving this back, neither.

Kirk: Pretty witch lady... must undress... not hard with skimpy clothes....
Tyree: Look! He has been stupefied by my wife's spells!
McCoy: Huh? No, he's always like that.
Kirk: My id hurts.

Nona: Villagers, I present to you a weapon that can bring you victory!
Villagers: Pretty witch lady... must undress....
Nona: Huh? No, that's not what I had in mind.
Tyree: Noooooooooo! Na!
Villager 1: Oh no, it's a trap!
Villager 2: Kill her!
Nona: GAK!
Tyree: Die village people! DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE!
Kirk: Whoa, calm down there. Remember, it takes a village....
Tyree: You must give me more firesticks so I can shoot you for that.

McCoy: Well, you got what you wanted. The complete and utter moral corruption of an entire civilization.
Spock: (over the comm) Are you two done down there? We've got a doctor running around sickbay trying to cure cancer with bitchslaps.
Kirk: Ask Scotty how long it'll take him to recreate a hundred flintlocks.
Scotty: (over the comm) I beg your pardon, Captain?
Kirk: Er, make that a hundred ambiguous endings. Kirk out.
(The credits roll by at Ambiguous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 16, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, IJD GAF.