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Five-Minute "Metamorphosis"

by Tarn-Vedra

Commissioner Hedford: Captain Kirk, you should've treated me for this incredibly rare disease before you could've possibly known I had it!
McCoy: Jeeze, lady. Stop being such a bi--
Spock: We're under attack by a weird colorful blob.
McCoy: Well, saved by the b--
Kirk: He said we're being attacked. Just leave it at that.

Kirk: So, we're going to try the intro for once? All right. Space... the final fronti--
Woman: Waaa WAAAAAAAAAA waaa waaa waaa waaaaaaa...
Kirk: Ahem. As I was saying, these are the voyages of the Starship Enterpri--
Woman: Waaa WAAAAAAAAAAA waaa waaa waaa waaaaaa...
Kirk: Who are you?
Woman: Waa?
Kirk: See? This is why we always skip these.

Spock: Before we go outside, let us make sure there is actually air to breathe.
Kirk: (whisper) Ladies and gentlemen, we've replaced Spock's tricorder with a Speak-And-Spell. Let's see if he notices.
Spock: Captain, the air outside is composed of nitrogen, oxygen, and COW.
Kirk: COW?
Spock: Yes, sir, so we can mooo-ve on out.

McCoy: The weird colorful blob seems to be off in that direction.
Spock: Which one, the one with the screaming man coming towards us?
McCoy: Yep.

Cochrane: Hi, I'm Zefram Cochrane. I'm so glad to see you! I've been stuck down here for years without a soul around. I haven't had anyone to talk about nerdy science things with.
Kirk: Bones, could this be a trick? I seem to remember our history books making Zefram Cochrane out to be a little less of a....
McCoy: Geek?
Kirk: Yeah, and a little more of an....
Spock: Alcoholic?
Cochrane: Wow, a beautiful woman! Have you seen my warp coil?
Kirk: Well, at least the historians got something right.

Cochrane: Your shuttle won't fly anymore, there's a dampening field down here.
Kirk: Hmm. Have you seen a weird colorful blob around here somewhere?
Cochrane: Um... er... that is to say...
McCoy: I have a feeling he isn't being entirely truthful with us.
Spock: Once again your powers of perception amaze us, Mr. Obvious.
McCoy: That's Dr. Obvious to you.

Kirk: So you're over 200 years old?
Cochrane: Yes. That blob is the Companion. It keeps me fed, watered, and undeniably sexy.
Hedford: I'll say. Hey, is it getting hot in here?
Cochrane: Possibly. Perhaps you should take off all your clothes.
Kirk: Did anybody else feel that?
Spock: What, Captain?
Kirk: The cold breath of copyright infringement breathing down our necks.

McCoy: The Commissioner's illness is progressing very quickly, Captain. Any minute, she could begin to hallucinate.
Commissioner: Frogs! Frogs everywhere, all over me! Get them off! FROGS!
McCoy: See?

Kirk: Mr. Cochrane, you have to help us defeat the Companion and get off of this planet. Think of it. Hundreds of worlds out there to experience, all of them overrun with life.
Cochrane: Wow... what kind of life?
Kirk: Mostly humanoid.
Cochrane: Oh...
Kirk: But they do have bumpy faces.
Cochrane: Sold!

Spock: La la la... fixing the shuttle... doo doo be doo wap...
Companion: Wow, I love Ella Fitzgerald!
Spock: Actually, I was imitating the mating call of the sehlat.
Companion: Eww. Well, touch me anyway.
Spock: I think our relationship is progressing much too fast. We have to go through the proper rituals first. (Ahem) Dooby dooby doo...
Companion: Alright, fine, I'll just electrocute you and fry your shuttle.

Kirk: Mr. Cochrane, I think you're going to have to ask the Companion for help for us.
Cochrane: All right... come 'ere, Companion! Come 'ere! That's a good girl!
McCoy: That's strange, I thought Cochrane was the pet here.
Kirk: Oh, Bones. Don't you know the man is always the dominant member of the relationship?
McCoy: Oh yeah. Man, I sure will miss the barely-concealed sexism of the sixties.

Spock: Ugh...my ears...
McCoy: Wake up! slap
Spock: Alright, alright, I'm awake.
McCoy: Slap
Spock: I said I'm awake!
McCoy: I heard you the first time. What happened?
Spock: It attacked me. It appears that the Companion is made up of electricity. And pie filling.

Kirk: Alright, we're going to use you as bait, Cochrane.
Cochrane: Please don't harm it, Captain!
Kirk: I will defeat it. There's pie filling in that nebula!

Companion: What was that thing you tried to kill me with, a lunchbox? Take this!
Kirk and Spock: GAK!

Kirk: Whew. Cochrane got it off of us.
McCoy: Maybe we should try communicating with it.
Spock: Good idea, but how?
Kirk: With the only thing sparkly blobs understand. Bring the karaoke machine from the shuttle.

Spock: The universal translator is ready. I managed to program it to speak blob.
Kirk: Good. Listen, Companion, we want to leave paradise so we can die of old age.
Companion: Is that your final answer?
Kirk: Hmm... can we use a lifeline?
Companion: I'm sorry, time's up, but here's a consolation prize -- eternity on a planet of only men.

Kirk: Hmm. I was wrong. The Companion is a woman, and it loves you.
Cochrane: Eww! Get it away! GET IT AWAY!
Kirk: Well, that was unexpected.

Kirk: Do you love him, Companion?
Companion: Uh... yes? Yes, I do. I think.
Kirk: You can't love! You're a blob.
Companion: You shapeist! I'll show you...
Commissioner Hedford (Companion): Hello, Zefram. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
McCoy: It seems they've merged. Let's call it the Compassioner.

Compassioner: Yep, I took over her body. Now gimme some sugar, baby!
Cochrane: Uh...
Compassioner: You still don't love me? Oh well, I'll let you guys go then. But just let me experience being a human.
Kirk: Will you give us the Commissioner's body back?
Compassioner: Maybe.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 17, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Brian Gilbert.