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Five-Minute "Journey to Babel"


McCoy: Dress uniforms? Bleh.
Spock: Ah, the Vulcan ambassador cometh.
Kirk: You? The Romulan commander? DIE! DIE! DIEDIE--
Spock: That's my pa, you insolent fool.
Kirk: Your dad's a Romulan?  Gee, sucks to be you.
Sarek: I'm not a Romulan. But yeah...it does suck to be my son.

Captain's Log: Spock's parents? Bwahahahahaha! This oughta be rich....

Kirk: This here is the computer.  Hey, Spock, show them how to play Galaga on it.
Sarek: I own Spock at Galaga, so if you'll excuse me I'll go grumble in a corner at my son's suckiness.
Spock: If you'll excuse me, I'll go hone my Galaga skills.
Kirk: Sheesh, talk about dysfunction.
Amanda: You should hear the logic debates concerning the proper orientation of toilet paper.

Captain's Log: Gold midgets, angry pigs, and future recurring blue dudes.  Two words: Road Trip!

Ambassador Gav: I disagree with you.
Sarek: You just feel like arguing.
Gav: For the sake of argument, I disagree.

Amanda: Spock had a teddy bear when he was little.  Oh, he loved it so.
Spock: Stop it maaaaaww, you're embarassing meeee....
Amanda: ...and he used to love to run around outside naked.  We have the cutest pictures of him then.
McCoy: Do share.

Chekov: There's a ship.  But it's too cool for us.
Kirk: I wanna see.
Spock: We can try, but it's apt to just blow us off.

Sarek: I won't have you embarrassing my son.
Amanda: Why, because of your pride in him?
Sarek: Nah.  I'm just a grumpy guy, that's all.

Spock: Approaching the ship now.
Ship: Pssht.
Spock: See? It's too cool for us.  It was going at a very rapid speed too.  One might say it was going at a ludicrous speed.
Kirk: One might. Maybe if we watch it we can be cool like it too.

Gav: I think Coridan should join the Federation.
Sarek: Me too.
Gav: Oh.  Well then I don't think Coridan should join the Federation.
Sarek: (sigh) I'd threaten to kill you, but there's always the chance you'll mysteriously die next scene.

Redshirt: (over the comm) Noname to Kirk: we have ourselves a dead Tellarite.
Kirk: Captain to crew: we have ourselves a good ol' fashioned pork barbecue!

McCoy: Well, here he is.  And he has a sign on his back: "This Tellarite has been slain by Sarick."
Kirk: How logical -- he threatened to threaten to kill Gav earlier.
Spock: How could it be Sarek?  For God's sake, he spelled his name wrong!
Kirk: I said he was logical, not smart.

Kirk: Where were you on the night of three hours ago?
Sarek: In private meditation.
Kirk: A likely story....
Sarek: Okay, so I was really watching a copy of "Vulcan Love Slave."
Kirk: A likely story....
Sarek: GAK!
McCoy: He's having a heart attack, Jim!
Kirk: A likely story....
McCoy: Shut up.

Krik: Sorry about your old man.
Spock's Thoughts: Sorry? You're sorry? What about me? All these years with a demanding father.  No "Good work, son" or "I love you, Spock."  Just "Suck it up and do better next time."  I was never good enough for you, Dad, you always wanted more.  Why not feel sorry for me? ME?
Spock's Words: Yeah, me too.

Uhura: Somebody on the ship's talking to the other ship.
Kirk: Gee, you'd think he could at least find somebody on the other ship to talk to.

Sarek: You see, I was having a heart attack when Gav was murdered.
Kirk: A likely story....
McCoy: Stop it; he ain't faking, Jim.  We need to operate and stuff, but we need blood.
Spock: What a coincidence -- I have blood!
Sarek: Sigh.  Is it any wonder I deny the boy as my son?

Spock: So here's the plan.  I'll risk my life with a never-before-tested drug on the slim chance that Sarek and I will survive the operation. It's logical.
McCoy: No it's not.
Spock: Yes it is.
McCoy: Okay.

Thelev: Let's play Kirk vs. the Bad Guy.
Kirk: Ooh, I'm good at that.  Do you want to be Kirk or the bad guy?
Thelev: Okay, you deserve it for that.
Kirk: gak!...oh yeah? well here!
Thelev: GAK!
Kirk: Ha ha ha...thud.

McCoy: ....so essentially it's up to you to decide whether to take command stubbornly or to save your father compassionately.
Spock: The first one.
McCoy: Figured.

Spock: I think his mind's been conditioned by you guys to annoy us.
Shras: We have no problem with you humans.  Stop watching "The Andorian Incident" and getting ideas.

Amanda: Help your father! Turn over command to Scotty!
Spock: Can't; he's not in this episode.
Amanda: Oh. Well, just turn command over to someone. Pleeease?
Spock: Weren't you on the other side of the argument just a little while ago?
Amanda: Slap!
Spock: Slapping is not logi--
Amanda: Slap!

McCoy: Spock's being stubborn and gypping his dad of blood, so you should get up and take command, except you shouldn't.
Kirk: But I wanna.
McCoy: Okay.

Kirk: I'm fit and ready to take command!
Spock: You're bleeding, Jim.
Kirk: No I'm not.  That's just sweat.  It sure is hot in here, isn't it?
Spock: You're a terrible liar.
Kirk: Don't make me call security -- go donate blood.
Spock: 'kay.

Uhura: Someone on the ship is talking to the Andorian.
Kirk: Captain to Security: frisk him or something.

Spock: zzzzz...Must...Save...Enterprise!
McCoy: Stay unconscious, you.
Spock: zzzzz

Redshirt: (over the comm) The Andorian's not an Andorian.
Kirk: It's a faaaaaaaaaaake!

Chekov: Here comes the ship.
Ship: Hey, 'sup.
Kirk: Okay, I've got an idea. Enterprise, play dead, boy!
Ship: ??
Thelev: I don't get it.
Kirk: Fire, Chekov.
Ship: Ow. You suck. Bye! BOOOM!
Thelev: Damn.  Anyway, later guys.  GAK!
Kirk: Well, that sucks.

Spock: Thelev was an Orion, and the ship -- well it was just cool.
McCoy: And Sarek has survived to hold up the movie franchise.
Kirk: Can I go now?
McCoy: No. I want the last word this time.
Kirk: You can't.  It's a fiver.  The last word is "end."
McCoy: Shut up, you.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 22, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.