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Five-Minute "Zod"

by Derek Dean

lark: Wondrous land? It's just a big, blue, over-exposed desert.
Phantom: You dare criticize our realm? Take that, you big meanie!
Clark: Gah. Stupid wraith! Go back to Atlantis!
Raya: I'll save you from it, but it's only so I can kick you in the head.
Phantom: Poof!
Clark: Oh thank y-- OOF!

People in Metropolis: OOG! CAR! CRASH! BOOM!
Lionel and Chloe: AAAAH! Somebody SAAAAAAAVE us!
Aide: I'll save you, Mr. Luthor.
Chloe: And what about me!
Aide: I'm not your aide.

Lana: No, you can't just be possessed by an evil entity! We've done that type of story before! Repeatedly!
Lex/Zod: Zod cares not for your petty plotlines.
Lana: And look, the fact that you're taking me with you shows you really care! That Lex is still inside.
Lex/Zod: Zod will not be baited into killing you.
Lana: And -- why are you speaking about yourself in the third person?
Lex/Zod: Zod doesn't know. He's trying to stop, but he can't.

Ma Kent: Lois? Are you okay? I seem to be fine. I mean, sure, our plane crashed in the Arctic after we lost cabin pressure and passed out, but I seem to have only minor cuts and bruises.
Lois: I'm not so good actually. I got bonked on the head. Of course, the fact I'm still alive at all is impressive. Shouldn't we be dying of hypothermia?
Ma Kent: Nah. The Arctic isn't that cold. Haven't you heard about the polar ice caps?

Jor-El: Greetings, Martha Kent. I am Jor-El.
Ma Kent: Look, we're badly injured. Can you help send us back to Kansas?
Jor-El: Yes, but first some exposition about the Phantom Zone, Brainiac, and Zod.
Ma Kent: I'm starting to see why Clark hates you.

Raya: So the Phantom Zone is a prison where we stuck all our menaces. Some have bodies, others are ghosts.
Clark: So there are phantom Phantom Menaces?
Raya: I was Jor-El's aide and he put me into the Phantom Zone to escape Krypton's destruction. He gave me this power amulet to protect me from the phantoms.
Clark: So with that amulet you're a power aide?
Raya: There's a way that any of Jor-El's bloodline can use to escape the Phantom Zone, and before you think of something clever to say to that, please know that I'm going to keep ignoring you.

Lex/Zod: Hm. Fine's virus is still going strong. Fortunately, this magic piece of Kryptonian technology will flawlessly interface with Earth technology, curing Fine's virus, hacking into the Pentagon, and reprogramming satellites to do something that it would be impossible for them to do.
Lana: And I can't even get my iPod to connect to -- SURPRISE ATTACK!
Lex/Zod: Zod is not familiar with this device called "Surprise attack."

Ma Kent: I got the dagger. Now to kill Lex.
Lionel: No, let me kill Lex!
Lana: No, neither of you will get close enough. Let me kill Lex!
Ma Kent: Oh please. If you could actually stab Lex with his superhuman reflexes, it would just be stupid.
Lana: Yes, but this is Smallville.
Ma Kent: Here you go.

Lex/Zod: So baby, Zod promises to spare you if you just give him an heir.
Lana: As bald as you are, you need all the heirs you can get. By the way, SURPRISE ATTACK!
Lex/Zod: It didn't work with the sword, why did you think it would work with the dagger?
Lana: I have no idea.

Raya: Here we are at the exit. Let's go.
SuperGraham and Evil Mwahaha-Superwoman Villain: And us too.
Various Other Villains and Wraiths: And us too!
Raya: Okay okay, we should all exit nice and order-- SURPRISE ATTACK! Go, Clark! Leave now before the others can leave too!
(Everyone in the vicinity gets sucked out of the Phantom Zone)
Raya: Well that made my sacrificial death kind of worthless.
(Pretty much)

Lex/Zod: And now to kill Lana slowly and painfully while there's still ample time for someone to show up and stop Zod.
Clark: Stop, Zod!
Lex/Zod: Zod needs to learn to not say things like that. Oh well, a young Kryptonian boy versus a Kryptonian military general: Zod is not worried.
Clark: Zod sounds stupid when he talks like that.

Lex/Zod: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD and he won't kill your friends and family.
Clark: Sigh. You win. I'll kneel.
Lex/Zod: And since there is no molecular chamber, Zod feels no reluctance at offering you his hand.
Clark: Yeah, so I got the idea from the Joker. So sue me.

Lex: Lana! Are you okay?
Lana: Lex? You're back to yourself? Should I be overjoyed or suspicious?
Lex: Overjoyed! Save suspicious for Clark. He'll love it!

Clark: So, Chloe, about that kiss....
Chloe: Right. Well, let me just answer that by introducing you to Jimmy Olsen.
Clark: That's not an answer.
Jimmy: Hey, Clark. Nice to meet you.
Clark: Let's get one thing straight: I'm not adopting you.
Jimmy: Um, okay?

Clark: I feel so lost right now. I have no father -- no one to talk to -- I need direction, but everyone's gone.
Ma Kent: What am I, chop suey?

Lionel: Gasp! This Kryptonian word means power! Or possibly flower. I hate translating.

Lex: Hey, check out this Kryptonian hard drive that Zod was using. Sure, it's cut in half, but I bet it'll come in useful someday.

Wraith: Wheeee!
(The wraith flies away at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 30, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.