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Five-Minute "Sneeze"

by Derek Dean

lark: I'm home! It was sickening seeing all the destruction Zod caused.
Ma Kent: Yeah, you look sick. How can you be sick?
Clark: Like this -- AH CHOOO!

Lois: You won't believe it! A barn door flew out of the sky and tried to attack me!
Clark: You're right. I don't believe it.
Lois: Hey, where did your barn door go? -- GASP! It was your barn door! I always knew it hated me!

Lex: It's you, isn't it? You're the one who's been having me followed!
Lionel: Now, come on, son. Just because I am highly suspicious of you doesn't mean I'm tailing you.
Lex: A denial! Evidence of how right I am! Having exposed you, I'm going to go into this dark elevator alone.
Lionel: Moron.

Lionel: Clark, you've gotta help Lex! He's been kidnapped. Probably going to be tortured.
Clark: So? Lex and I don't get along anymore. Why should I care?
Lionel: Geez, are you Superman or not?

Lex: Huh? Where am I?
Evil Mwahaha-Drago-Museveni Villain: In the pit of despair!
Lex: What do you want with me?
Evil Mwahaha-Drago-Museveni Villain: I want to find out how you had superpowers so I can create a race of genetically-enhanced superpowered men who follow the teachings of Nietzsche!
Lex: But then what would they be? Men or supermen?

Lois: See, this is where the barn tried to hit me.
Chloe: So what you're saying is that the broad side of a barn couldn't hit you?

Evil Mwahaha-Drago-Museveni Villain: All right. Time to test his invulnerability by shooting him.
Aide: As the compassionate aide, I protest this use of violence!
Evil Mwahaha-Drago-Museveni Villain: But I still have the gun.
Aide: Objection withdrawn.

Lois: So here's my story about the barn attack.
Chloe: There's no way the editor will accept that.
Lois: Darn. Then I won't even try to submit it.

Lana: Okay, I called the guy Lex told me to while Clark was still in earshot, so now all I need to do is go to this desk and -- gasp! -- find a remote control that reveals a security monitor with me undressing! I can't believe it! Let me watch it again! And again! And --

Evil Mwahaha-Drago-Museveni Villain: So you're not invulnerable anymore. Tell me why not!
Lex: Okay, it's because I was possessed by the spirit of Zod!
Evil Mwahaha-Drago-Museveni Villain: I don't believe you.
Lex: Okay, then it's because I made a secret formula from meteor rock, adamantium, unicorn blood, and the sorcerer's stone.
Evil Mwahaha-Drago-Museveni Villain: Now that I believe!

Lionel: So what brings you to Metropolis, Bruce?
Oliver: For the last time, my name is Oliver.

Lana: (on phone) Chloe, I found the secret lab! I don't think this voice mail has anything to do with the rest of the story.
Evil Mwahaha-Drago-Museveni Villain: What about getting captured?
Lana: That's always part of the story.

Clark: Gah! I'm too weak to pull open this door!
Chloe: Then blow!
Chloe: Geez, Clark, your new power blows.
Clark: It also sucks.

Evil Mwahaha-Drago-Museveni Villain: Okay, give Lana the serum.
Lex: No, you have to give me the serum!
Lana: No, you have to give me the -- SURPRISE ATTACK!
Evil Mwahaha-Drago-Museveni Villain: Oh please, like I'd be caught by your --

Lana: Oh no! Lex, we're trapped. How do we get past the fire that's surrounding us?
Lex: Well, I do have one id-- SURPRISE ATTACK! ... Nope. Didn't work.
Lex: Okay, that actually was a surprise.

Lois: Check it out! Front page at a tabloid! I'm going to be a writer!
Chloe: Suuuuuure you are. Just keep telling yourself that.

Clark: Oh look, it's overcast.
Clark: Ha! Now who can cure a rainy day? Eat that, McCoy!

Lana: Lex, wanna explain why you have a video of me changing clothes?
Lex: You wanna explain why you've been the one watching it over and over again?
Lana: No.

Oliver: Ha! I was the one behind Lex's kidnapping! I'm also really good with the bow and arrow. Not that the two have any connection really....
(Oliver shoots arrows at the Daily Planet at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 30, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.