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Five-Minute "Vessel"

by Derek Dean

hadow: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of horses? The shadow knows!

Lana: Wow. You just went insane and ran to the middle of this field. Are you okay?
Fine: He's fine.
Lana: Uh-huh. That's an old joke.

Chloe: And then Lana said this ship came and beamed Lex up!
Clark: It must be Zod. He's coming back. I must speak to Jor-El.
Chloe: I thought you hated him.
Clark: Of course I hate him. He's my father and I'm on the WB!

Clark: Help me fight Zod!
Jor-El: Yes, Kal-El, I will help you.
Clark: Yes!
Jor-El: But first let me give you some exposition about Zod...
Clark: Now do you see why I hate you?

Chloe: He told you what?
Clark: "And then in the year leading up to the destruction of Krypton, Zod --"
Chloe: No, the part about you needing to kill Lex. I mean, what kind of father would tell his son to kill?
Clark: Well, you know, just last week we thought Jonathan Kent wanted me to kill Lionel and nobody had a problem with it then.
Chloe: Sure, but that was Lionel.

Lionel: So, how was your chat with Jor-El?
Clark: Long.
Lionel: He left a message with me. What does it say?
Clark: "Oh, Kal-El. One more thing I forgot, Zod had a number of unpaid parking tickets as well." (sigh) I'm never visiting him again.
Lionel: What does he want you to do?
Clark: Kill Lex. Sorry.
Lionel: Why are you apologizing? Can I help?

Lionel: Hey son. Been abducted by aliens recently? How were the probes?
Lex: GAH! Leave me ALONE!
(SUPER-THROW into a car!)
Lex: Woah! How did I do that?
Lionel: More importantly, how am I still alive?
Lex: Oh sure, it's always about you.

Lex: Lana! Guess what? I've got superpowers! Watch me fire this gun at my hand!
Lex: Of course, it just now occurs to me that I didn't actually check to see if I was invulnerable before doing this. Fortunately, I was.
Lana: Oh my gosh! You're impervious! But that must mean you're being manipulated.
Lex: How can I be manipulated if I'm impervious?
Lana: Good point!

Lana: Oh, by the way, I heard Clark talking about killing you.
Lex: For shame! He must be jealous of my powers.
Lana: Wait, we keep asking how he knew you'd have powers. But how do we know he's known?
Lex: You must have overheard them talking about it earlier.
Lana: Guess so.

Lionel: Lex has superpowers.
Clark: He does! I didn't know that he would!
Lionel: Lex is going to be evil now that he has superpowers, because having superpowers makes everyone evil.
Clark: So true.

Ma Kent: Wheee! This is fun flying in a personal jet.
Lois: Yes, but does this have anything to do with anything else?
Ma Kent: No, I think we're just cliffhanger fodder.

Lana: Hi, Clark. Just to add extra angst, I want to let you know that Lex told me his secret and I'm okay with it.
Clark: ARGH! Lana would have been ok-- Actually, hasn't my problem recently been that if I were to tell you my secret, you would die horribly?
Lana: Well, here's your chance to come clean. Tell me what's really going on.
Clark: Okay! The truth is I'm actually a superman who is the sole survivor of a doomed planet and Lex has been possessed by the spirit of that planet's worst villain!
Lana: More lies? That's it. We're through.
Clark: I thought we were already through!

Fine: Your love life really stinks, Kal-El.
Clark: Shut up! Why did you have to set Lex up as the human vessel anyway?
Fine: Well, I wanted to put him in you, but your parents gave their lives for you, which means that Vold-- er, Zod, can't take over you.
Clark: Whatever. It's time to put your lights out.
Fine: No, it's time to put everyone's lights out.

People: AAAAAAAAAH! There's no power! We must now go insane and revert to cavemen! Oog!
Clark: Chloe, you okay?
Chloe: Yeah, it's just a power outage. It's not like those have never happened before.
Clark: Yes, but because Fine's behind it, somehow people have gone insane. Now let me save you from this car and then go kill Lex.
Chloe: Wait! I need to kiss you first! It's tradition; and it feels like I may never see you again, just like it's felt that way the past five season finales!

Lex: So now it is down to you, and it is down to me.
Clark: I must kill you, Lex. You brought it on yourself.
Lex: No, I haven't. Let's review: I'm the good guy. I tell Lana my secret. I work for reconciliation with you. I try to stop Fine and not be caught up in my own petty little affairs. How am I not the good guy?
Lex: See? You're starting the fight which makes me the g-- OOF!

Clark: Ha! Now I have the knife at your throat. But wait, should I kill you?
Fine: Do it! Do it!
Clark: Fine wants me to do it? Well, he may be a super-intelligent AI, but he certainly won't predict me stabbing him instead of Lex after that outburst of his!
Fine: (Heh heh heh. This is just too easy.)

(Weird freaky light thing)

Lex/Zod: Mwahahaha! I'm evil!
Clark: Evil? What about all this "I'm the good guy" stuff?
Lex/Zod: No, Lex was the good guy. I'm the evil guy. Now... KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
Clark: Never!
Lex/Zod: Then be sucked into this ring thing which I think leads to the Phantom Zone.
Clark: You're not sure? Ha! You're a super-strong villain and you don't even know what that thing is --
Lex/Zod: As long as it gets rid of you.

Ma Kent: Oh no! We've run out of oxygen. GAK!
Lois: I'll save you. I just need to open the hatch with the oxygen masks and -- GAK!

People in LA: OOG OOG OOGA!
People in Metropolis: AAAAAAH! RIOT! RIOT!
Chloe: Lionel! Let me in your limo!
Lionel: Quick! Get in!
Rioters: Must destroy limooog!
Chloe: Lionel! Let me out of your limo!
Rioters: OOG OOG!

Lana: So, here I am, Lex. Just like we discussed.
Lex/Zod: How nice. Let's kiss.
Lana: Yep. Still the same old Lex.
(Clark is stuck in the Phantom Zone at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Oracle
Next fiver: Zod


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This fiver was originally published on May 30, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.