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Five-Minute "Oracle"

by Derek Dean

a Kent: Definitely the second one. By the way, here's a card from your father. He wanted to be here, but he's dead.

Pa Kent: I am the ghost of Birthday Past. I come with a grave message: You must kill Lionel Luthor!
Clark: Okay, and once again: I have X-ray vision and super-hearing. It should be pretty easy for me to determine even now whether you're really here or a ghost.
Pa Kent: But you are too shocked by the sight of your ghostly father... Wooooooo!

Ma Kent: Okay, Clark, great story, but you need to stop reading Hamlet.
Clark: No really, he wants me to kill Lionel! And my previous ghostly encounter with him was true, so this one must be too!
Ma Kent: But Jonathan can't want Lionel dead! He has a code against killing!
Clark: Maybe that's why he wants me to do it.

Clark: Here's Lionel's office; let's search it.
Chloe: Clark! Security? The room probably has an alarm, let me disable it.
Clark: Isn't there security on the whole building? How'd we get past them?
Chloe: Who cares? We're already past them.

Lana: Sorry I'm late, Lex, but --
Lex: Lana, that's not important right now. What is important is that I'm going to tell you everything if you're in. Now, are you in or out?
Lana: In.
Lex: In or out? Because if you're in, you're in all the way --
Lana: I'm in.
Lex: -- but if you're out --
Lana: I'm in!
Lex: -- you're out all the way.
Lana: LEX! I'm IN!
Lex: I heard you the first time. I just needed to build the tension up.
Lana: Well, you suck at it.

Lex: So here's a super-vaccine I developed from all these viruses. Fine is obviously a bad guy who wants a super-virus, so I've now created a vaccine that will save the whole human race. Because I'm the good guy.
Lana: Wait, if Fine's the supervillain, then I remember your dad telling me how to stop them with green meteorite, but let me wait until we're off-screen to tell you that.
Lex: Aw, I wanted the off-screen time for necking!

Pa Kent: Martha, you have betrayed me by going after Lionel... my own brother.
Ma Kent: Stop that. This isn't Hamlet, and it sure isn't Shakespeare, so let's just get this over with.
Pa Kent: Clark must kill Lionel, because Lionel killed me or something.
Ma Kent: Or something? You don't remember what happened?
Pa Kent: Well I was kind of busy dying.

Fine: Hey Lex. Have a drink from this possibly poisoned glass. Now, how come I've been taken out of the loop?
Lex: Well, the vaccine is ready, but I don't trust you, so let's have one of those verbal chess match thingies.
Fine: It'll end with me saying "Go on up, baldy!" and you breaking down into tears, so let's just skip that, okay?
Fine: Woah. You're smarter than I thought. Of course, I think you're a retard....

Chloe: So, doing the only thing I ever do on this show anymore, I found out information for you.
Clark: About Lionel?
Chloe: Yep, appears he might have been with your dad when he died.
Clark: He was? That makes Clark ANGRY!

Clark: Hello, my name is Clark Kent! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
Lionel: It's not like that. I was just threatening him when he collapsed!
Pa Kent: Kill him! KILL HIM!
Lionel: Wait, I can see him too! And your father has a code against killing! And I don't want to die! So you shouldn't kill me!

Clark: You're not my father! Let's fight!
Pa Kent: I win! I could crush your head like a nut, but I won't, because I need you.
Lionel: Looks like it's time to fry someone.
Pa Kent: No, don't fire!
Lionel: (eyes white) I won't fire until you see the whites of my eyes.

Lionel: Okay, now that I'm a good guy and you trust me, tell me all about Fine and everything else.
Clark: I think you already know everything. Now tell me how to stop him.
Lionel: Well, I have all these Kryptonian messages in this safe.
Clark: Crap. If only I knew someone who could read them....

Chloe: Clark, can't you read Kryptonian?
Clark: Of course not, Chloe. Never could.
Chloe: Great, then I guess I'll have my computer analyze these images somehow.
Lionel: And now for more plot info: Lex and Fine have developed a supervirus, but it's insignificant next to the power of the Force.
Clark: Uh... yeah. Thanks for that. Anyway, we need to find out where the virus is. And I know just where to go....

Lana: Clark, what are you doing in my underwear drawer?
Clark: Um, looking for pictures of a secret lab?
Lana: And what are you doing breaking into my room in the first place?
Clark: What? It's Chloe's room too! Why isn't she here with me to legitimize my being here?
Lana: And why does my dorm room have a window on the door?

Lex: So Professor Fine, if that is your real name, here's the virus, but I've developed a vaccine to save humankind from it!
Fine: Who cares? I'm just injecting you.
Lex: Oh no! I didn't make a vaccine to save just me!
Fine: And now to destroy the lab with Lex in it, even though I seemingly want him to survive.

Lex: Well, doc, how am I after the whole lab incident?
Doctor: Fantastic!
Clark: Well, Lex, I hope you've learned your lesson about collaborating with extraterrestrial super-powerful artificial intelligences.
Lex: Oh I sure -- wait, huh? I was the good guy! I played along long enough to have developed a vaccine, which in retrospect might have been kind of dumb since I wouldn't be able to save people already infected. Anyway, I'm not the one breaking into people's dorms!
Clark: It was Chloe's room too! They're roommates!
Lex: I know what this is about. You're jealous of my relationship with Lana!

Ma Kent: Who's there?
Lionel: Lionel.
Ma Kent: Lionel who?
Lionel: Lyin'll get me nowhere. I'm here to confess about my involvement on the night of Jonathan's death.

Lana: What's up with Clark? I mean, you're being nice to him, but he's just being a jerk.
Lex: It's because I'm the good guy. I must always try to be honorable and noble, and hope I can change him.
Lana: Speaking of changing, what's that on your arm?
Lex: Nothing! And my super-healing abilities aren't anything either!

Lois: So let me give you some advice on relationships. It's like money. You save it up to buy a bicycle, but when the time comes, you find out you have enough to buy a harlot.
Clark: Um... thanks. I think.
Chloe: So while I was waiting for the computer to translate the Kryptonian, I noticed this phrase kept popping up.
Clark: Oh my gosh! It says "Zod is coming!"
Chloe: I thought you said you couldn't read Kryptonian!
Clark: Of course I can, Chloe. Always could.
(Chloe pulls her hair out at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 6, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.