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Five-Minute "Fade"

by Derek Dean

Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: Wow, thanks, I didn't even see that truck there. It's like it was invisible.
Clark: It was my pleasure, citizen. Now don't run off and go kill anybody, okay?
Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: No promises.

Lois: No, up! -- down! GAH! I keep trying to play this flight simulator, but I keep crashing!
Clark: Lois, you're playing a first-person shooter. And where did all this stuff come from?
Lois: No name on the card. Maybe it's a secret admirer.
Clark: Maybe it was Lionel!
Lois: Ew. That is not who I meant.

Clark: So it wasn't Lionel.
Chloe: Maybe it was Lex.
Clark: Excellent! A contrived reason to go see Lex. I'll just need to make sure I pick the worst possible moment.

Lana: So Lex, find out anything interesting about Fine and the season finale plotline and all that?
Lex: Yes, but if I tell you that, we'll miss out on important kissing time.

Clark: And why didn't you tell me about Lex and Lana?
Chloe: You know, honestly I don't think I'd win. You'd be mad at me if I did tell you, and you'd be mad if I didn't.
Clark: You think I get mad at you? That makes me ANGRY!

Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: Hey, Clark. I see you didn't want my home theatre stuff so maybe there's something else you do want? Money? Power? Women?
Clark: No, just the satisfaction of knowing I did a good deed is payment enough!
Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: ...Acting lessons?
Clark: Well, there is one thing: Lana. Unfortunately she's dating Lex who lives in a mansion near Smallville with poor security and who is especially susceptible to choking, but I don't know what you could do about that.
Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: Probably nothing....

Lana: Hey! Stop choking him!
Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: You know, I don't know why I had to be visible to choke him. Oh well.

Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: Hey, Lois! Wanna go on a date?
Lois: I don't know. I'm starting to get that "evil vibe" off of you.
Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: So is that a no?
Lois: No, it's still a yes.

Clark: You tried to kill Lex, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?
Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: Sigh. Now I have to kill you.
Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: Right, that didn't work. Well, I guess I'll have to turn invisible and sneak out of the room, even though you could probably find me with X-ray vision, or super-hear my footsteps, or whatever else.

Chloe: So basically this guy's a professional hitman who can turn invisible. You'd think he still have trouble in crowded rooms, or leave fingerprints, or whatever. Of course the real worry is if he knows your weakness.
Clark: You mean kryptonite? The glowing green meteor rock that came down in the showers? Oh please, how often do people talk about that?
Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: Honestly, I think I should find information coming this easily suspicious.

(cue creepy shower scene music)
Lois: Showering, showering, la la la la.
Lois Body Double: Showering, showering, la la la la.
Lois: Showering, show-- Okay, you know what? I am not going to do the freaky shower scene!
Clark: Okay, but that means you have to do the comic hijinks of exposing your entire naked body to me.
Lois: Clark! What are you doing here?

Clark: Excellent! I can hear his heartbeat! Now if I just filter it out from all the other heartbeats... Closer... Closer... HA! Got you! Wait, who are you?
Ben Finney: I am no one to be trifled with. That's all you ever need know.

Lana: Lex, you're awake! Clark was here earlier.
Lex: Did you tell him about our relationship?
Lana: No.
Lex: You really should. We should be good guys and try to work for reconciliation and mutual understanding, even if Clark is against it.
Lana: I thought Clark was the good guy?
Lex: I'm tired of waiting.

Chloe: Oh no! Clark's been buried in the dirt out... behind... the Talon? Since when was there dirt here?
Lois: Hurry up and uncover him! The dirt must be made of copper! Look how he's turning green!
Chloe: Um -- Nevermind.

Door: OPEN!
Lana: Lex! It's me!
Lex: Oh, sorry!
Door: OPEN!
Lana: And that was the nurse coming to check on you.
Lex: Oh, phew!
Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: That doesn't mean I didn't come in with her.
Evil Mwahaha-Invisibility Villain: And really, if I had just ducked while you were firing, I wouldn't have sustained a bullet to my gut, but I guess I'm dumb.

Lois: So why do I always pick the homicidal maniacs for boyfriends?
Ma Kent: Probably because you're stupid. Look, when I was your age, I had some real losers for boyfriends, but --
Lois: I know, I know. You had to date the bad ones to know the good ones and so I just need to stick with it and try to find the Right One™.
Ma Kent: Actually I was going to say, "but none of them were even close to homicidal."

Clark: So maybe I shouldn't save people anymore since they might be the next Hitler.
Chloe: Oh, like that one hasn't been done to death by philosophers.

Lana: Lex and I are dating now.
Clark: Lana, I'm only going to say this once, and only because I care about you, Lex is evil. Really evil. Like evil evil.
Lana: That was three times.
Clark: And I'm going to keep telling you too! So what if it hurts you? I don't care!
(Lana gets upset with Clark at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 6, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.