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Five-Minute "Mercy"

by Derek Dean

ask-Guy: We're going to play ... Hangman!
Mask-Guy: Crap, you just guessed the first word.
Lionel: Have mercy!
Mask-Guy: ...Maybe I should have picked a different phrase. Okay, okay, you're free, but in keeping with the Smallville-characters-have-no-idea-how-to-react-in-a-crisis policy, please run away from the train in the wrong direction.

Chloe: So why haven't you told your mom about Lionel?
Clark: Who knows?
Chloe: Um, you. Because you're the one who's supposed to tell her.
Clark: Oh please. Like I have any control over my actions.

Clark: Mom, there's something I need to tell you: Lionel knows about me.
Ma Kent: GASP! He must have figured it out from that time when I was blackmailed!
Clark: Yes, it must be that. It certainly couldn't be that time when he showed up at the Fortress of Solitude speaking for Jor-El... or that time we switched bodies... or that time he was "blind" and I used my powers in front of him.

Definitely Not the Mask-Guy!: The room is clean of any devices not planted by me.
Lionel: It better not be, because if it isn't, it's curtains for you, my friend. Now get out of here and leave me alone in this semi-dark room.
Mask-Guy: Mwahaha! I was hiding in the curtains! Now to abduct you!

Lionel: Huh? Where am I?
Mask-Guy: (on screen) In the pit of despair, don't even think about trying to escape. Actually, do. Take those two cans of gas on either end of that pole and carry it to that hook and balance it there.
Lionel: Uh-huh. And why don't I just go over to that hook myself and pull down on it until the door opens?
Mask-Guy: Because that would be cheating!
Lionel: Well, we can't have that! If there's one thing we Luthors respect, it's fair play!

Mask-Guy: So you passed the first test. Now for the second test featuring special guest Martha Kent in a small room filling up with water! And all you have to do is solve this anagram!
Lionel: Okay, at this point, I think you're on the wrong superhero show. You want Batman.

Clark: Lex, my mom's gone missing. Drop everything and find her for me!
Lex: I can't. I'm looking for my dad and -- oh no! I just had a really disturbing idea!
Clark: They're being tortured together?
Lex: No, I'd be fine with that.

Lex: So while Chloe's reverse-engineering anything mechanical like all TV hackers can apparently do, let me take this chance to try to mend bridges and offer reconciliation.
Clark: No, I'm hard-hearted and will hate you forever!
Lex: Okay, wait, you are the good guy, right?

Lionel: I've solved it! It's "a feared love kit," right? Right?
Mask-Guy: No, fool, it's "failed takeover!" Failed takeover! But I'm still going to let Senator Kent out so I can accuse you two of being more than friends.
Lionel: Martha, are you all right?
Mask-Guy: Lovers! Now go upstairs in my freaky elevator.

Mask-Guy: (on screen) And now for my final test: Here is a gun. One of you needs to kill the other. Your conversation may be videoed for quality assurance.
Lionel: Monitored? Who would be monitoring this?

Lex: So this is the room the abductor was in. Hey look! A video with our parents!
Lionel: You should use the gun and shoot me because Clark's special, but I'm not specifying how since this conversation may be videoed.
Clark: Heh, um, what could your dad be talking about, Lex?
Lex: (grumbling) Wouldn't I like to know.

Lionel: All right, then, I'll use the gun on myself!
Mask-Guy: It's empty, which I'm surprised you didn't check for earlier. And now to bomb the elevator.
Lionel: Gasp! So this was all a trick! You were never going to let me live!
Mask-Guy: Well, duh.

Mask-Guy: And now to reveal myself as the security sweeper from that one scene way back when!
Lionel: Oh no! Not you! Not -- who are you?
Mask-Guy: I don't know. Disgruntled person or something. The point is, I'm mad as hell and I'm all out of bubblegum so it's time to take out the trash!

Lionel: Aaaah! Somebody saaaaaave me!
Clark: Sigh. I'll save you.
Lionel: Not well. I think this scene has the same physics problems that the Kirk-Spock mountain-climbing scene from Star Trek V did.

Lex: So we arrested that mask-guy. I guess he really had it in for WHAT'S CLARK'S SECRET? you.
Lionel: Honestly, Lex, you've been given more than enough clues already. If you can't figure out Clark's secret on your own, then you're just pathetic.

Clark: So I hate you and I think you're evil and I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt, ever.
Lionel: Okay, wait, you are the good guy, right?
Clark: And stay away from my mom, or I'll kill you.
Lionel: Easy there, son.
Clark: And don't call me son!
Lionel: Sorry, junior.
Clark: Or that!
Lionel: Right, Doc Boy.
Clark: Or that!
(This goes on for a while until Lionel gets a headache and starts writing stuff at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 6, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.