Five-Minute "Void"
by Derek Dean
ana: But technically, isn't all medicine drugs, even your strange green-glowing serum?
Mad Scientist Grad Student: No one likes a hair-splitter. Drop dead.
Lana: Mom? Dad?
Lana's Mom: Hi, Lana. Welcome to Heaven.
Lana's Dad: And Merry Christmas!
Lana: It's Christmas?
Lana's Mom: It's always Christmas in Heaven. Now... Try to hug me!
Lana: Oka-- NOOOOOOO!
Lana: Kill me again! Kill me again!
Viewers: PLEASE!
Ma Kent: And so as my first act as Senator, I want to raise taxes.
Reporters: BOOOOOOO!
Lionel: It's good to see I've been able to nurture your needlessly evil side.
Ma Kent: Lionel, there's nothing going on between us.
Lionel: Yet.
Ma Kent: No! Nothing! Never!
Lionel: Yet.
Clark: Hola, kid. Where is el shipo y Professor Fine?
Kid: Su español necesita trabajo, señor.
Lana: Hi. I need another fix and I need it now. Now now now now NOW!
Mad Scientist Grad Student: It's not a fix, because it's not drugs. I mean, sure, you can't live without it; it's all you think about; and I won't give you any more without five grand; but any so-called "parallels" between this and drugs are entirely fabricated.
Lana: Five grand? Deal!
(CRASH! THUNK!)
Lex: Freeze, strange catburglar who's actually dressed up in a stereotypical catburglar costume!
Lana: That's just to disguise the fact that I'm actually Lana.
Lex: Yeah, but we already knew it was you.
Lana: So they've got this drug that kills me a little more each time, but while I'm using it I'm in heaven.
Lex: Yes, drugs are like that. But they destroy you and those around you and they're bad.
Lana: Oh, I've seen the light. I really must stop. You've convinced me. I'll never do them again. Really.
Lex: Excellent. Well, my work here is done. Off, off, and away!
Lana: Moron.
Kid: La nave estaba allí.
Clark: Honestly I have no clue what you're saying -- GASP! Look at the outline on the grass! The ship was right there!
Kid: Sigh.
Chloe: Well, now that Lex has called to tell me about Lana, I think I'll go and look for -- GASP! What's this? A book I just magically happened to notice that just conveeeeeeniently happens to have a piece of paper pointing me to Lana's friend! If I were watching something like this happening on TV, I might find this contrived!
Chloe: Holly, or whatever your name is, drugs are bad and you shouldn't use them.
Holly: You don't understand. These aren't actually drugs. They're actually -- GAK!
Chloe: Holly? You died before telling me what the drugs were! That's okay though, because there's no way it's not kryptonite.
Lana: Fix. Now.
Mad Scientist Grad Student: You don't understand. Holly's dead from the stuff.
Lana: Isn't that the point?
Mad Scientist Grad Student: But she never returned to life. It's almost like she overdosed on drugs.
Lana: Don't care. Either give me drugs, or fight with Lex Luthor.
Mad Scientist Grad Student: Fight with Lex Luthor? If that bald rich white boy comes here, I'll show him a thing or -- he's right behind me, isn't he?
(PUNCH!)
(KICK!)
(PUSH!)
(SYRINGE!)
Lex: GAK!
Lex: Okay, so I awoke in a dark place with fire, but it's not like I'm actually in Hell, right?
Lex's Mom: Actually, no. I think you're kind of in Purgatory, and if you stay dead with me now, you'll probably make it to Heaven eventually.
Lex: And if I don't?
Lex's Mom: Then I see terrrrrible things ahead of you. Terrrrrrrible! And the Grim! Also, a lot of comic book references.
Clark: So, Chloe, wanna catch me up on the plot around here?
Chloe: Sure. Lana has been taking green-K injections and dying and then getting unidentified orange stuff injections and coming back to life, which I think is a metaphor for drugs and drug use.
Clark: Sorry, Chloe, I don't do metaphors.
Lana: Must. Have. Fix.
Mad Scientist Grad Student: GAH! I've become all violent now, so I will kill you by injecting you with this green stuff you love so much!
Lana: NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Clark: I'll save you, Lana!
Lana: Stay out of this, Clark.
(THROW!)
(SYRINGE!)
Clark: GAK!
Mad Scientist Grad Student: And now to kill you with this buzzsaw thingy.
Lana: No! I must smash you with this jar so that you fall on the buzzsaw and it rips apart your intestines!
Mad Scientist Grad Student: Ha! You don't have the guts!
(SMASH!)
Lana: And now, neither do you. But that really is a pretty offal way to die.
Clark: So if Lana saw her parents, and Lex saw his mom, that means I get to see my Kryptonian parents, right?
Pa Kent: Wrong. Now let's sit down and have a nice long talk about morality, ethics, and what escrow is.
Clark: Uh, this is Heaven, right?
Pa Kent: Okay, okay, then let me just say that Lionel knows everything and you need to protect your mom and everyone else because you're a symbol of Truth, Justice, and the American Way!
Clark: Daaad, I --
Pa Kent: I know, I know, you don't do symbolism. Grow up.
Clark: Mom? Mom? Where are you?
Ma Kent: I'm just all dressed up for the dinner tonight.
Clark: Right. Well, look. I've got to tell you something about Lion--
Lionel: I'm here to pick you up for dinner!
Ma Kent: Just a second, Lionel. Tell me about what, Clark?
Clark: ...about lions. Um, they're mammals.
Chloe: So dying neutralizes green-K in the blood. That's kind of strange. And why haven't you told me what you've found about Fine yet?
Clark: I couldn't find Fine, fine? Besides, I'm much more worried about Lionel after speaking to my dad.
Chloe: Hm. Should I mention it was Lionel who sent me to send you after Fine?
Clark: Nah. Best not to worry me.
Clark: Lana, are you okay?
Lana: Yeah. I did what I did not because of you but because I feel all empty inside. Like life has no meaning, but when I was in Heaven, I was loved and accepted and everything like that.
Clark: If Heaven really is a warm happy place where you see all your old friends and family and there's no special requirement or anything to get in, why would you stay alive?
Lana: I honestly don't know.
(The show sort of advocates suicide at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2006, Derek Dean.