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Five-Minute "Splinter"

by Derek Dean

lark: Here, let me see -- GAH! It cut me!
Lana: Wow, that was quick. Judging by the previews I don't think we'll be able to trust anything that happens from this point on.

Clark: Driving, driving, la la la la.
Black Truck: Following, honking, la la la la.
Clark: Swerving, avoiding, la la la la.
Black Truck: Ramming, crashing, la la la la.
Voice: (over the phone) And don't ever sing in your car again!

Fine: Blah blah blah, betrayal, blah blah blah, human nature. Class dismissed.
Clark: Wait, was that three blahs or four?
Kryptonite: Bwhahaha! I'm coming to get you!
Clark: You're a rock. You can't move.
Clark: Uh, great. Didn't we do our Hallowe'en episode last week?

Fine: So, Clark, what's up? Been run down by any black trucks lately?
Clark: Now that you mention it, I have!
Fine: Excellent. Here's the license plate number. Now remember, I'm always on your side.
Clark: Actually, you're kinda in front of me right now.

Clark: Here, Chloe, can you run this license plate number?
Chloe: Sure, just don't go through my emails to find out that I've been talking with Lionel Luthor.
Clark: You've been talking with Lionel Luthor!
Chloe: Heh. Or you could just find out that way.

Lana: So what's up with the meteor rock you gave me?
Lex: I don't know what you're talking about, but that spaceship I told you you imagined is real. Wanna see?
Lana: Worst segue ever.

Lionel: Hey, Jonathan, want some money for your campaign?
Pa Kent: Why should I trust you?
Lionel: Oh, come on. How could I be a Luthor if I didn't betray everyone, including my own son and your own son?
Pa Kent: Well, how can I argue with something like that? I'm in.
Clark: (from the shadows) Gasp!

Clark: Mom, Mom, Dad's gonna betray me to Lionel!
Ma Kent: Now, Pa, don't betray your son.
Pa Kent: Shucks, Ma. Just look at all the money Lionel gave me for him.
Ma Kent: Well, in that case, let's tie him down!
Clark: AAAAAH!
Pa Kent: Ack! Somebody saaaave me!
Chloe: I'll save you, Mr. Kent!
Kryptonite: Looks like I can move, Mr. Smartypants. Now die!
Clark: No, instead of how I normally react to kryptonite, I think I'll just super-run out of here.
Kryptonite: Cheater.

Pa Kent: So how long have you known about Clark?
Chloe: Last year, and why didn't he tell you I knew?
Ma Kent: I wonder if he's under the influence of red kryptonite.
Pa Kent: No, we'd know if that were the case since red kryptonite's effects are known and predictable.
Chloe: Hm. I think I may have seen him with silver kryptonite earlier....
Pa Kent: Silver? What's next, gold kryptonite?

Clark: Lana! You've got to -- Ack! Chloe's coming. Instead of shutting the door or any number of other things, I'm going to run away! Don't trust them.
Lana: But --
Chloe: Hey Lana, seen Clark?
Lana: Should I trust you?
Chloe: Of course you should! Clark's insane!
Lana: Good enough for me. Let's go catch Clark.

Clark: Professor Fine, you've got to help me! They're all after me!
Fine: Okay, I'll help by directing you into this freaky room where your delusions will just keep compounding.
Clark: Oh thank you, Professor! You're the best.

Lana: Lex, what did you do to Clark?
Lex: Nothing, Lana. I'm doing everything I can to help him! Now give me some sweet loving.
Lana: Well, okay. It's not like there's any legitimate reason Clark would be outside the window looking in on us.
Clark: (outside the window) Hey, when you're this paranoid, you don't need a reason!

Clark: There you are, Lana! I took care of Lex for you because I'm paranoidly jealous.
Lana: (Hm... let's see. What's the worst thing I could possibly say now? I know!) How's Lex?
Clark: How's Lex? HOW'S LEX? GYAAAAH!
Fine: Put her down, Clark. She's not the girl you want, I am!

Fine: And now to remove that spike in your side.

Clark: Lana? Are you okay? I'm really sorry for being so paranoid earlier.
Lana: That's okay, Clark. Chloe told me the whole thing.
Clark: What whole thing? Oh my gosh, she didn't tell you my secret, did she? DID SHE?
Lana: Um, Clark? Your paranoia may not be over yet.

Clark: You didn't tell her my secret, right?
Chloe: Right. Clark, I'd die before telling anyone your secret.
Clark: Um, Chloe. You probably don't want to say that. Might be considered foreshadowing.
Chloe: Not on this show it isn't.
Clark: True.

Pa Kent: I don't think I'll run for office after all.
Clark: Okay, then I guess you won't have an arc this season.
Pa Kent: On second thought, maybe I will.

Fine: So I'm a Kryptonian like you. And Kryptonians are better than humans.
Clark: Just how many Kryptonians are there? Anyone? Ballpark figure?
Fine: Anyway, no real point to this talk, just wanted to establish I'm also a superman.
Clark: Um, great. So you're leaving?
(Fine returns to the ship and unradiates the silver kryptonite at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Exposed
Next fiver: Solitude


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This fiver was originally published on November 14, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.