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Five-Minute "Solitude"

by Derek Dean

ights: I put out other lights. Like these lights, and those lights, and your lights....

Chloe: Sorry, Clark. No sign that anything strange happened last night.
Clark: But it could have been lightning! Greased lightning! Or the Northern Lights!
Chloe: Or a night light?
Clark: OR a night li-- Say, you're making fun of me, aren't you?
Chloe: Perish the thought!

Lois: Do you have to do that here?
Lex: I'm just working on some campaign photos. Why do you care so much?
Lois: Because you're posing in the nude. It's scaring away all the customers.
Lex: Hey, readers of Playgirl are voters too.

Clark: Professor Fine, what's wrong with my mother?
Fine: Where to begin? Well, first off, she's evil....
Clark: I can't believe Jor-El did this to her. What's wrong with him?
Fine: Well, first off, he's evil....
Clark: And you're not doing anything to help her. What's wrong with you?
Fine: Who me? Oh, well, I'm basically good. Yeah.

Clark: So my Professor's Kryptonian, just like me.
Pa Kent: What? Kryptonian? That means he's an evil, soulless monster, like all Kryptonians!
Clark: No, I think he's been cursed with a soul.
Pa Kent: Is it really that, or is there just some chip in his head telling him not to hurt you for now?
Clark: What is it, mom? Is it your arm?
Ma Kent: No, sorry, I just snapped after all the Spike references. But now that you mention it, my arm does feel a little sore.

Lionel: Hello, Chlarice.
Chloe: It's Chloe, Lionel, and are you just here to be creepy and ambiguously nice, or is there something you actually want me to do?
Lionel: Both. I need you to investigate someone faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound: Clark Kent--
Chloe: GASP!
Lionel: --'s professor, Dr. Fine.
Chloe: Phew. ...GASP!

Clark: So tell me about Jor-El.
Fine: He was a menace. He conquered the whole world and then blew it up, sparing only his son.
Clark: Why would he blow up a world he just --
Fine: Too bad the kind and noble Zod couldn't stop him.
Clark: But the disciples of Zod I met earlier weren't kind or --
Fine: Why don't you take me to your mom, Clark? It sounds like she needs my help.

Fine: Hm. Looks bad. I recommend hourly kryptonite injections.
Pa Kent: WHAT? How will that help?
Fine: Help? There's no way to help her now. I just want to see if she'll turn into a mutant freak like the others.

Jor-El: You rang?
Clark: Yeah, don't take my mom's life, jerk!
Jor-El: I have no idea what you're talking about, but it sounds like you're screwed. Even you can't affect destiny.
Clark: But what about that episode with the guy who saw people's deaths and I changed them and he said I wouldn't die, and so on?
Jor-El: Okay, whatever. Maybe you can affect destiny, just leave me alone until the next time I'm ready to start screwing with you.

Fine: La la la. I think I'll just walk all the way from Smallville to wherever the spaceship is being held, and despite my super-hearing and my incredibly acute brain, not notice if anyone follows me.
Chloe: Score!

Ma Kent: Clark, I'm dying. Why won't you come near me and hug me one last time?
Clark: You have a huge rock of kryptonite on your chest.
Ma Kent: Yeah, well, misery loves company. Get over here.

Chloe: Lois, I found out that Fine is investigating Lex and he's snuck into a secret lab. We need to follow him in.
Lois: A secret lab? They probably have lots of security there. What do you expect me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?
Chloe: Nah, you don't have to dress in drag.

Lois: Luau!/ If you're hungry for a ride that's really sweet/ Check out my new car here because it is a treat/ ...
Guard: Oh yeah, this doesn't look at all like a distraction.
X-Files-ish Black Oil: Actually, I'm Mighty Morphin' Power Oil. Mwahaha --
Fine: -- ha!
Harmony: Blondie Bear?

Chloe: Ah HA! Since I somehow know shapeshifting isn't a Kryptonian power, I can somehow conclude that he's evil.
Guard: FREEZE!
Chloe: Way to go, moron. Now his super-hearing will pick up on the fact I've been spying on him.
Fine: Don't worry. I'll let it slide this time.
Guard: Well, I won't! I caught you fair and square!
Chloe: Come on, Thelma, let's get this show on the road!
Lois: Okay, shouldn't I be Louise? I mean, Lois/Louise, they're actually similar.
Chloe: Just drive.

Clark: There's got to be a way to saaaaaave my mom.
Fine: There is: you must destroy your giant arctic igloo.
Clark: What's the rush? Give global warming a few more years, and --
Fine: I don't know why I even talk to you.

Fine: Here, just plunge this black crystal into this weird crystal console thingy and your mom will be all better.
Clark: Saving my mom and trying to kill my dad... hmm, there should be a play.
Clark: Bwahaha! Take that, Dad!
Fine: Bwahaha! Take this, Clark!
Clark: GASP! You're betraying me? Everything you told me was a lie?
Fine: Well, yeah -- No, wait! ...Okay, yeah, it was all a lie. Now let me just put this piece of kryptonite on your chest and yet not actually kill you.
Clark: You know for being really smart, you're really dumb.

Chloe: Gasp! Clark is dying from kryptonite. If I can just get to the rock and throw it away... but Fine's sure to hear me with his super-hearing.
Fine: Look, I think it's obvious by this point that I simply don't have super-hearing. Have at.
Chloe: Thanks!

Clark: And now for a real super-fight!
Clark: You're like an overdue book, Fine --
Clark: A day late and a dollar short!
Chloe: Clark, I think it'd be better for everyone if you just stopped talking while fighting.

Clark: Gosh, ma, I'm glad you're all better.
Ma Kent: Yeah, I don't quite get how Fine's death miraculously cured me, but I'm not complaining.

Chloe: You know, Clark, Lionel was the one who tipped me off about Fine.
Clark: Why do I find this so unsettling? It could just be Jor-El working through Lionel, and not Lionel himself.
Chloe: I thought that's what you did find unsettling.

Lex: You stole my nifty spaceship!
Lionel: You know, even though I didn't steal it, I like being able to talk in the ambiguous tone of voice that makes you think I might've.

Pa Kent: So you've taken care of Fine. I guess Jor-El wasn't such a bad guy after all.
Clark: How can you say that?! Have you forgotten our past four years of history with him?
Pa Kent: No, I just watched the Superman Returns preview where Jor-El seems like a nice guy.
Clark: Good point.
(The Superman Returns preview plays at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 23, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.