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Five-Minute "Exposed"

by Derek Dean

ois: There is a perfectly good and logical reason for that. It's -- um, well, because I'm here to, uh --
Woman: (over phone) You've got to help me! Click.
Lois: -- help you solve a mystery! Yeah.

Chloe: So the mystery woman wanted to meet us at this darkened intersection since she's afraid of people killing her.
Lois: Wouldn't a public location have made a lot more sense then?
Chloe: Lois, Lois, Lois. If we met publicly, then she wouldn't be able to be run over at night.
Lois: Right, but wasn't that a bad thing?
Chloe: Oh yeah.

Pa Kent: Why, it's Jack Jennings!
Clark: Wow. A real live duke.
Jack: Actually, we're in a democracy, so I go by senator instead.
Clark: Huh. Wonder why I thought you were a duke.
Jack: I could hazzard a guess.

Cop: Excuse me, Senator, there was a woman killed in the other plotline and she has this photo of you.
Jack: Unbelievable!
Pa Kent: You mean the photo's a fake?
Jack: No, I'm just amazed a Metropolis cop would drive all the way out to Smallville just to give me this.
Cop: Oh please. Smallville's just a suburb of Metropolis today.

Clark: Lex, you faked and planted this photo of Jack and this woman as a smear campaign for your bid for office, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?
Lex: Geez, Clark. Why so confrontational? Aren't we still friends?
Clark: What? But I thought we were enemies or something.
Lex: Where do you even get these ideas?

Chloe: Hee hee! Hi! Can we get in your club? We're hot young women in dresses!
Bouncer: No.
Chloe: Rats. Well, do you keep a bouncer at the door to the backstage?
Bouncer: No.
Chloe: Riiight. Well, I guess we'll be going now.

Owner: What are you girls doing in here?
Chloe: It's because, uh, Lois is a dancer!
Lois: And so is Chloe!
Chloe: No, I'm not. I'm your agent!
Owner: I believe you! Now get Lois to strip and do some other degrading stuff for me.
Chloe: No problem!

Lex: Hello, Mr. Kent. I just wanted to point out that Jack denying he knew the girl is a crock.
Pa Kent: Actually, I don't think he actually denied it in this fiver.
Lex: You know what I mean. He's a regular King David, so watch your back.

Owner: Hey, kid, who you here to see?
Clark: Senator Jennings.
Owner: I don't think he's dancing tonight, but I'll see what I can do.

Waitress: Hey, kid, whatta you want to drink?
Clark: A Shirley Temple. On the rocks. Shaken, not stirred.
Waitress: James Bond you're not.

Announcer: And now for our newest dancer, Lois Lane!
Lois: (singing) La cucaracha! La cucaracha!
Announcer: And despite this being a private club, she's still not going to take off her relatively modest swimsuit or do anything overly sensual!
Clark: Booo! Ripoff!
Lois: What's that? Does someone want a private audience?
Clark: Who me? Uh, no.

Clark: Ah, my super-hearing allows me to not only listen in on other people's conversations, but also to pick out only the conversations I need to hear.
Evil Mwahaha-Pervert Villain: So... Can I have Lois Lane? After a performance like that, there's only one reason you'd keep her in your club at all.
Owner: 'Kay.

Clark: Thanks, trusty super-hearing. Now it's time to --
Clark: -- get caught by the police. Nice.

Chloe: Clark? How did you get caught? Why didn't you just super-run your way out of the club the minute the cops showed up?
Clark: Heh. Um, about that. It was because... because... uh....
Chloe: He's going to be like that for a while. Why don't you girls tell me about the woman killed earlier in the meantime?
Dancer Girl: Since we have no reason to trust you, why not? It was because she was being taken away by some perverted foreigner.
Cop: And now that you've got your information, you're free to go.
Chloe: How conveeeenient.

Pa Kent: Hey, Jack. Why don't you hop in the General Sherman so we can do cool driving moves?
Jack: Excellent! But is that the only thing we'll do?
Pa Kent: We're also going to have a nice long talk about morality, ethics, and the responsibility of a public figure to his constituency.
Jack: Let me out! LET ME OUT!
Pa Kent: Sorry, can't. The door's stuck.

Evil Mwahaha-Pervert Villain: Here, put on one of these many red dresses that come in all shapes and sizes.
Lois: Shouldn't I be weirded out about this?
Evil Mwahaha-Pervert Villain: Nah, save the weirding out for when you find the dead woman's personal effects.
Lois: Thanks, I will.

Clark: So apparently the club sells girls to this foreign guy.
Chloe: Thanks for the pointless exposition, but I knew that. Now look, there's his license plate, so we can find his apartment.
Chloe: How exactly does he super-run in a public area with no one noticing?

Clark: Chloe! The guy's taking Lois away in a helicopter!
Chloe: (over the phone) Oh my gosh, did you call me just to give me some exposition? Why don't you actually try and saaaaave Lois?
Clark: Well, I still haven't decided if I want to yet.

Lois: No! I'm not going to let Clark just save me like I'm some helpless female!
Lois: Okay, can someone help me out of these restraints?

Cop: Well, he may be an evil mwahaha villain, but he has diplomatic immunity, so I can't arrest him.
Lois: Yeah, well, I can kick him in the groin.
Cop: You, on the other hand, don't have diplomatic immunity. Place her under arrest.
Lois: WHAT?

Clark: Lex, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. But I don't know how I'll ever get over my disillusionment over Jack.
Lex: Clark, tell me what you know about King David.
Clark: David? He slew Samson with a donkey after leading his people out of Egypt and then went on to write I & II David, right?
Lex: Right. But also he once saw a woman bathing and wanted her, or maybe her rubber ducky, and so he killed Saul, even though he was the Lord's anointed, and then marched around the woman's bathtub until it collapsed.
Script Editor: Normally I'd check this scene for accuracy, but honestly, Bibles scare me.

Clark: So, hero of mine whom I've never mentioned before, what are you going to do now?
Jack: I'm going to Disney World! Also I'm not going to run for office.
Pa Kent: Does that strike anyone else as being dumb?
Jack: I also think you should run for office, Jonathan.
Pa Kent: Does that strike anyone else as being dumber?

Lois: All right, I'm moving into the Talon apartment.
Clark: Why?
Lois: One, because staying at your house and not knowing your secret is really implausible. Two, because we have the set lying around so we might as well use it.
Clark: Point.

Chloe: Look, everyone! I got a story on page 74!
Clark: Since when did newspapers have a page 74?
Chloe: Hush.

Lois: By the way, Clark, thanks for saving me, but never tell anyone about me up on stage, okay?
Clark: What do you mean? You didn't do anything!
(The episode ends at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 9, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.