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Five-Minute "Thirst"

by Derek Dean

ditor: Yes, and we want to give you top-billing as our -- Oh wait, no. That's someone else.
Chloe: But, but, I'm a main character!
Editor: Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy tale is over. Welcome to real life!

Ha! Real life? Does real life have voiceovers? I didn't think so.

Pizza Guy: Pizza!
Sorority Vamps: One! One pizza delivery guy! Ah ah ah!
Pizza Guy: Dear Penthouse, I don't normally write letters like this, but -- GAK!
Sorority Vamps: Zero! Zero pizza delivery guys! Ah ah ah!

Clark: What the --? Since when were you going to college?
Lana: I don't know. Chloe wanted screentime or something, and this is about the only way it could happen.
Clark: She could've dropped out.
Lana: Did I mention I was thinking of joining the tri-Psi sorority?
Clark: Bless you, Chloe.

Buffy: Welcome to the sorority. I'm Buffy Sanders.
By the way, I've changed a few names. Her new name is Buffy Saunders. And my new name is Veronica Marsh.

Lex: I hear you've been dissing me behind my back, Professor Walsh.
Fine: I can do it to your face, if you'd rather.
Lex: No, I'd rather you face the possibility of being fired. Heh heh.
Fine: Your jokes need work, kid.

Buffy: So we've picked the one person we want as a sister, and, shocker, it's Lana Lang!
Lana: Wow, thanks, Harmony!
Buffy: Buffy.
Lana: Whatever.
Buffy: And now it's time to vamp you.

Fine: I want to let you know that I'm on to you. I've figured out all of your plots solely with the power of my mind!
Lex: Look, I don't know what it is with you and your brain mania, but you couldn't have conjured up these secret corporate documents with just your mind.
Fine: Sure I can. Haven't you ever heard of minding your business?

Lana: Ohhh, my head. Too much blood.
Chloe: Yeah, your eyes do look bloodshot. Let me open this sunlit window for you. And make you some garlic soup.
Lana: I hate you.

Fine: Ah, my pretty, pretty spaceship.
Guard: Freeze! Or I'll shoot!
Fine: Oh please. In this episode the only acceptable means of death is staking. Like this.

Lana: So what do you do for fun around here?
Sorority Girl: Kill each other.

Chloe: Lana, what's wrong with you? You're acting all weird.
Lana: Maybe I am, but Clark still wants me as his girlfiend. Loser.
Chloe: Bite me.
Lana: 'Kay.

Clark: Will she be alright, Doctor?
Doctor: I wouldn't know; I just work here.

Fine: What's wrong with your friend, Clark?
Clark: She was just sired by my girlfriend.
Fine: There's no such thing as vampires, Clark. And I should know... I used to be one.
Clark: But --
Fine: However, I do know that Lex has the cure. Ask him about Project 1138.

Clark: Lex, tell me about Project 1138.
Lex: Clark, we don't trust each other any more, remember?
Clark: Yeah, but Chloe is sick and la--
Lex: And Lana? Oh no, something's wrong with Lana? Quick! To the Lexmobile!
Clark: I was going to say "Chloe's sick and lame," but whatever.

Lex: So Buffy contracted this weird disease which we call Transylvanian Homage eXperiment 1138.
Clark: Is there a cure?
Lex: Yeah. It's here in this needle. You remember that scene from Pulp Fiction where -- Clark, are you okay?
Clark: Um, yeah, I just feel a little sick, but not from the meteor rock! From, uh, the scene you were about to describe. Yeah, that's it.

Lana: Bwahaha! I'm Langelus! Now that I've rid myself of that pesky soul, I think I'll drink Clark's blood.
Clark: You cannot beat me. I am an alien. Strength flows through my veins. My blood is filled with power. And just as soon as I get away from this meteor rock, I'll prove it.
Lana: Can you pick out the one word there you probably shouldn't have said? (VAMP! SLURP!) Wow. You really are full of it.

Lana: So here's Clark. We should turn him into one of us.
Buffy: A girl?
Lana: A vampire, dolt! Don't make me ash you.
Buffy: You mean "dust me," right?
Lana: Nope. Now let me go turn Clark.
Clark: Don't make me shot you.
Lana: You mean "stake me", right?
Clark: Nope.

And so that wraps up another thrilling day in my life. Notice how little I was in the episode? That's why I applied for the part of narrator.

Clark: Thanks for your help earlier, Lex.
Lex: I don't trust Professor Fine.
Clark: Um, good?

Chloe: So what'd you think of my story?
Editor: It sucks, but at least I know I don't have to worry about you stealing my job from me. You're hired.

And that's how I got my job at the Daily Planet. Of course the editor said I'd have to start at the bottom, and then shoved me down a garbage chute, but it's pretty good down here once you get past the smell....
Chloe: Threepio, the walls are closing in again. Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level. Threepio? Threepio?
(The walls close in at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 1, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.