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Five-Minute "Mortal"

by Derek Dean

Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: Oh, look. My hands are free. What a shock. And speaking of shocks....
Lackey 1: We're...
Lackey 2: ...free!
Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: For some reason, you guys remind me of Bynars.

Townspeople: That's right. Rebuild that house! You go, guys.
Clark: Way to raise the roof, everyone.
Townspeople: Groan.

Lex: Hey, Clark and Lana and everyone! It's me, Friendly-Lex!
Clark: Oh, does that mean we're friends this episode?
Lex: Of course we are, Clark. Why wouldn't we be?
Clark: I'd probably be more suspicious of this behavior if it weren't par for the course.

Clark: It sure is nice running through the woods and fields with you, Miramanee.
Lana: And with you, Clarok. But now it's time for the sex.
Clark: Sex? Superman never has sex!
Lana: You don't have your powers anymore. You need another excuse.
Clark: The Mwahaha-villans just showed up?
Lana: That'll do.

Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: Clark, we need you to steal us some of the green K-fluid so we can get our next fix.
Clark: Crap. I thought we'd moved away from these type of plots. Why me?
Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: Well, everyone at the asylum thinks you're capable of it, and if you can't trust a bunch of criminally-insane inmates, who can you trust?
Clark: Can't argue with logic like that.

Pa Kent: Clark, you home? Why didn't you get the nails I asked you to get? Where's Lana?
Clark: Huh, what? Nail Lana? I'd never, uh, er, what?
Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: You are the crappiest liar ever.

Clark: Okay, we're here at LuthorCorp Labs. Now what?
Chloe: Well, according to my computer, the facility looks like this, the security code for the door is 12345, and there are three guards patrolling the area named Bobby, Billy, and Bertie.
Clark: Cool. Can you disable the alarms and everything?
Chloe: Clark, you obviously have an unrealistic view of technology.

Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: Crap. A cop car just pulled up. You two send her away since this exact same ruse failed so miserably last time.

Sheriff: You people need to be careful. There are some escaped crazies in the area.
Pa Kent: Huh, what? Careful escape? I'd love to, uh, what?
Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: Like father, like son. I guess.
Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: Thing 1, Thing 2, do your thing!
Lackeys: Let our powers combine!

Clark: You know, I'm doing all my hero stuff even without powers. I'm not sure if this increases or decreases my plausibility.
Chloe: Well, here's the safe. Now how do we get in it? What would you do if you had your powers?
Clark: Clark Smash.
Chloe: You've said that about everything. How about we use this flashlight instead?
Flashlight: SMASH!
Safe: OPEN!
Chloe: Not what I meant, but whatever.

Clark: Oooh! K-juice. I'll just take this.
Laser: ZZZZIT!
Clark: Ow! Son of a --
Laser: ZZZZIT!
Clark: OW! Darnit. Well, this time for sure.
Laser: ZZZZIT!
Chloe: Clark! Maybe you should try using your head instead.
Clark: Well, okay, but I think it'll just get zapped by the laser as well.

Clark: Alright. I got the stuff.
Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: Excellent. And since I'm dumb, I won't expect a double-cross.
Bomb: FLASH!
Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: GAH! I've been double-crossed! Didn't even see it coming.
Lackeys: GAK!
Clark: Heh heh. Clark Smash.
Power: GAK!
Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: No! My powers went with the power!
Evil Mwahaha-Electro Villain: OW! Including my powers of normal fighting, it seems.

Chloe: Good job, Clark. You've saved the world again.
Clark: Thanks, Chief.
Chloe: By the way, I found out there was a video feed from the lasered safe that was leading straight back to Lex.
Clark: Wow, were you able to hack the video to access all his personal data?
Chloe: I don't know why I even talk to you about computers.

Laser: ZZZZIT!
Clark: Ow! Son of a --

Lex: Heh heh.
Clark: Lex, I know it was you that released those guys to test me!
Clark: Admit it. You've always thought I'm some immortal, super-strong, super-fast alien with a god complex, haven't you?
Clark: You've busted my lip! Behold a god who bleeds!
Lex: (muttering) Well, at least I was right about one thing.

Lana: So, um, about having sex.
Clark: Yeah, let's do it!
(Clark and Lana have sex at Ludicrous Speed)
Clark: HEY!


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This fiver was originally published on October 28, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.