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Five-Minute "Hidden"

by Derek Dean

abe: Excellent. Now to end Smallville.
Audience: We're not that lucky.

Clark: Wake up, little Suzie. Wake up!
Lana: My name's Lana.
Clark: Oh yeah, Lana... Smith, right?
Lana: Lana Lang, jerk. I guess now I know where you've been the past few nights.
Clark: Speaking of night, it's morning.
Lana: Oops.

Pa Kent: Gasp! Clark? Lana? What were you doing?
Lana: Er... he talked me into it. And... slipped me something. And... I'm leaving now.
Ma Kent: Oh, please tell me you were safe and didn't lose your soul in a moment of perfect happiness.
Clark: I'm fine. And it's no big deal, I somehow became magically human when I lost my powers.
Chloe: Sorry to interrupt this awkward moment, but I believe I'm next in line to have sex with Clark.
Pa Kent: Uh...
Chloe: Just kidding!

Lex: So, Lana, I see you've been drawing pictures of the aliens you claim to have seen earlier.
Lana: Lex, I hid those pictures in my underwear drawer. What were you doing in there?
Lex: Oh nothing.

Sheriff: Alright, open it up.
Soldier: Just more grain, sir. And remind me again why I'm reporting to you?
Pa Kent: Sheriff, what are you doing?
Sheriff: Nothing for you to concern yourself with, Mr. Kent. We just got a tip that the missile about to be launched is in a silo.
Pa Kent: Right, but don't you think you should be looking in a missile silo?
Sheriff: Mr. Kent, I'll thank you to keep your nose out of our business. (Soldier, start looking in missile silos immediately!)
Solider: (Sir, yes sir!)

Lex: So, about this spaceship, any sort of plot twists or anything going on with it?
Scientist: Not till May-ish. November at the earliest.
Lex: Drat.

Chloe: (on phone) Uh, Gabe? I was driving along and my car got stuck in a ditch. Can you come saaaaave us?
Gabe: Sure! Wait, us? Is this some sort of setup or sting operation?
Chloe: No. I always refer to myself with the royal we. I mean, "We always refer to ourself with the royal we."
Gabe: Okay then.

Lex: Dad, you need to tell me something about the spaceship, or about these Kryptonian symbols, or about the code to your personal safe.
Lionel: "It is not for thee. It is for him alone to wield."
Lex: Um... okay. But if the safe doesn't open, I'm coming back.

Gabe: Okay, Chloe. I've come to saaaaave you (plural).
Clark: Wait, Gabe! Don't launch the missile!
Gabe: What! A sting operation? And I didn't even see it coming!
Clark: I want to resolve this like civilized men. I'm not threatening you. I'm unarmed.
Gabe: Good!

Chloe: So at least give a convincing reason why you think blowing up Smallville is a good idea.
Gabe: My father, Senator Kelly, hated all these meteor freaks and taught me the same. Then he became one, so I had to kill him.
Chloe: No, no, a convincing reason.

Lana: Clark, I'm not afraid anymore. The comic books say I will fall in love with the One, so you can't be dead, got it?
Clark: Got it. Goodbye.

Lionel: What's that? Clark's dead? Oh no! What about my career? I've got to do something.

Doctor: I don't know of a good way to tell you this, but... YOUR SON'S DEAD! HAHA! LOOOOOOSERS!
Nurse: Um, Doctor?
Doctor: (Not now, I'm gloating.) I'm sorry about your loss, but it's time for me to go home to all my children, who are still alive, I might add.
Nurse: But Doctor, the body's gone.
Doctor: Gone? GONE! It can't be gone! Okay, listen everyone. If anyone asks, we'll say that some of Clark's friends broke in and stole the body, got it?

Chloe: Okay, I still don't get why you're killing everyone so ruthlessly with your gun.
Gabe: It doesn't have to make sense. I'm evil and psychotic and deranged. But why do you care?
Chloe: I don't. It just gives me enough time to escape my restraints so we can have a struggle followed by your just deserts.
Gabe: GAK!

Lionel/Jor-El: Kal-El, I have brought you back to life because you have a destiny. But I'm going to have to kill someone.
Clark: Because of the whole "life for a life" thing?
Lionel/Jor-El: ...That too. Just remember: Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
Clark: But I was killed.
Lionel/Jor-El: Which explains why you're super-strong, right?

Missile: Up, up, and away!
Clark: Jump, jump, and away!
Missile: BOOM!

Clark: Hi, I'm alive again. Just please don't ask how, or why I look like a bomb went off in my face, or why I'm radioactive.
Lana: You're like... you're like Gandalf the White, resurrected from the pit of the Balrog, more beautiful than ever. Ohh... he's alive, Frodo. He's alive.
Clark: I don't even want to know where that came from.

Lionel: Guess what, son? I'm back!
Lex: Um, you broke out of an asylum. I really should be ringing my guards and sending you back.
Lionel: Oh you and your silly good sense. You really need to see to that.

Chloe: So now that you're super again, are you going to tell Lana?
Clark: No, I think I'll just be secretive and suddenly stop having sex with her. She won't suspect a thing.
(Clark is a super-moron at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 20, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.