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Five-Minute "Arrival"

by Derek Dean

or-El: Don't mock the igloo.

Evil Mwahaha-Superwoman Villain: Mwahahaha! Where's Kal-El?
Police: Freeze!
SuperGraham: Fire!
Lana: Hm. Aliens emerge from a meteor and start incinerating things. Would you have done that if War of the Worlds hadn't just come out over the summer?
SuperGraham: Shut up.

Lois: Impossible! A meteor smashed the Kents' house and yet it's still mostly standing!
Pa Kent: Don't point out inconsistencies. Just help me find my wife.
Lois: Found her! Of course, we don't know about her injuries, so we probably shouldn't try to move her.
Pa Kent: Good idea; let's see if we can't get her to the hospital.

Lex: Chloe? Are you hiding in the cave? Well, I better check out that hidden room just to make sure. Oh, look, the octagon.
Evil Mwahaha-Superwoman Villain: YOINK!
Lex: Hey!

Jor-El: A dark power is coming. One that will be a real spike in your side.
Clark: You mean "thorn in my side," right?
Jor-El: No interruptions. The only way to prepare you is with this freaky light show.
Chloe: Clark, somebody, saaaaaaave me!
Clark: Chloe!
Jor-El: Hey! What part of "no interruptions" do you not understand?

Clark: I have to help Chloe.
Jor-El: Sure, whatever. Just be back here before the sun sets, and the cows come home, and the fat lady sings, and the last petal falls, and....

Clark: So you know about my powers?
Chloe: Uh, yeah. And I've been dropping a billion hints about it too, but you haven't picked up on any of them. I mean seriously, what planet are you from?
Clark: Krypton.
Chloe: That wasn't supposed to actually be answered.
Clark: Oh.

Lionel: They're here! They're here! AAAAAAH!
Lana: You're talking about the supermen, aren't you? If only we knew who they were....
Lionel: They're Disciples of Zod.
Lana: And what could kill them...
Lionel: Green meteorite.
Lana: And where they are...
Lionel: Hospital.
Lana: And how they get the caramel into the Caramilk bar?
Lionel: Suction.
Lana: Isn't the idea of you having all this sudden unexplainable knowledge kind of... what's the word?
Lionel: Convenient.
Lana: Right. Off to the hospital then.

Pa Kent: Martha, you're awake! And just in time for the explosion, too!
SuperGraham: Where's Kal-El?
Pa Kent: I don't know.
Lois: I don't know.
Lana: I know!
Evil Mwahaha-Superwoman Villain: Wait! She knows!

Clark: Anyone home?
Lex: Your parents are fine, Clark.
Clark: Lex, it amazes me how you always hang around my home.
Lex: Yes, well, I'd like to ask you some pointed questions that show how suspicious we are of each other.
Clark: Oh, we're suspicious of each other today? I get confused sometimes.

Lana: Kal-El is in that green, lead-lined room over there.
Evil Mwahaha-Superwoman Villain: Excellent.
Mask: Fear my glowy, kryptonite eyes!
SuperGraham: Not all that scary.
Mask: Just shuddup and die.
SuperGraham: Actually, I think I'll use my superpowers even while suffering from Kryptonite poisoning.
Mask: Cheater.

Clark: You looking for me?
Evil Mwahaha-Superwoman Villain: Yes, join us or live.
Clark: Hm. That's a toughie. I think I'll have to choose "live."
SuperGraham: Okay. We'll put you in the Phantom Zone in the meantime.
SuperGraham: And now we'll turn around and assume you've been sucked into the vortex.
Clark: Heh. Suckers.
Evil Mwahaha-Superwoman Villain and SuperGraham: (in Phantom Zone) Oh no! Now we're two-dimensional villains! Wait....

Pa Kent: Well, our home may be destroyed, but at least our son can super-rebuild it.
Clark: Not so much. Jor-El seems to have sunsetted my powers.
Pa Kent: What? But the house!
Clark: Whatever. Besides, I already beat this season's villains, so what would I need my powers for anyway?
Pa Kent: I hate foreshadowing.

Clark: So now that we're both normal people again, wanna go out with me?
Lana: Sure, why not? It's about time to start doing that again.

Guard 1: Geez, not even aliens can build a ship that won't leak oil.
X-Files-ish Black Oil: Actually, I'm Mighty Morphin' Power Oil. Mwahaha --
Spike: -- ha!
Guard 1: Spike?
Guard 2: Spike?
Harmony: Blondie Bear?
(Viewers wonder which show they're watching at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 27, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.