Five-Minute "Fragile"
by Derek Dean
aomi: Oh my gosh! You did that! You have super-glass-breaking powers! I'm calling the foster care program; they'll know what to do!
Table: CRASH!
Chairs: CRASH!
Everything Else Made of Glass: EXPLODE!
Naomi: OH NO! Everything made of glass is broken except for this mirror, so while I'm here suffering all these cuts from the glass exploding, I think I'll walk toward the mirror....
Mirror: Honestly, you deserve what's about to happen next.
(CRASH!)
Clark: So I found Maddie safely hidden under her bed while all the glass in the house seems to have revolted against Naomi.
Ma Kent: I told her she shouldn't buy all her stuff from the Glass Emporium. Now I need a new Chief of Staff for my senator job.
Clark: Anyway, I brought her here. She doesn't seem to say much.
Ma Kent: Clark, she's asleep.
Clark: Right. Knew that.
Lex: So now that we've spent our whole afternoon together, let's go out to dinner, and then maybe the opera.
Lana: Hee hee. I bet you say that to all the girls.
Lex: Most of them.
Chloe: This is probably an awkward time for me to walk in on you, isn't it?
Clark: So, Maddie, you don't seem to be talking, but maybe if I give you some contrived little speech about how I'm trustworthy, you'll --
Maddie: Hey, look! A loft! And a picture of a girl! Is she your girlfriend? Did you date? Did you kiss her? Wow, look at all this stuff!
Clark: Three minutes ago I didn't even know you could talk. Now I wish I still didn't.
Lois: So you can talk! Well, why don't I invite myself along on whatever you were going to do?
Lights: BOOM!
Clark: I think that means "no."
Lois: Shatter all my hopes, why don't you?
Clark: Maddie, you can break glass telepathically, can't you?
Maddie: Yes, but I can't always control it.
Clark: I'm sure you'll be able to when the time comes.
Maddie: Why?
Clark: Because that's the way these stories always go.
Lois: Clark, that kid is dangerous. We should call the police and get out of here.
Clark: You're just afraid of babysitting her.
Lois: No, I'm not! And to prove it, I'll babysit her!
Clark: You're also afraid of giving me $100.
Lois: No, I'm not! And to prove it -- Here! Have $100!
Lois: Here, let's have a picnic way out in the middle of nowhere. I hope you like peanut butter and jelly because I don't have enough money for pizza anymore.
Maddie: I want to go find Shelby. I think he was in that room full of glass jars.
Lois: Okay, why do the Kents even have that room?
Chloe: Lex, you cretin, I'm onto your nefarious scheme!
Lex: Which one?
Chloe: The one where you're trying to get Lana to go out with you!
Lex: (Phew.) I completely and utterly deny that totally true statement. I'm also going to make a few somewhat out-of-character jabs at your love life.
Chloe: Ha! The joke's on you! I don't have a love life!
Social Worker: What are you doing with that girl in this glass room?
Lois: Uh... teaching her not to throw stones?
Social Worker: Come with me, Maddie. We'll get into my nice car with large glass windows!
Evil Mwahaha-Glass Villain: Honestly, you're just asking for it.
Car: BOOM!
Evil Mwahaha-Glass Villain: Hi, Maddie. I'm not actually that bad a guy. In fact, I'm your father!
Maddie: NOOOOO! That's not true! That's impos-- Aw, who am I kdding? I saw that one a mile away. I mean, why else would some strange man come after an 11-year-old girl?
Evil Mwahaha-Glass Villain: I can think of a number of --
Maddie: Why else that's suitable for 8 PM on The WB?
Evil Mwahaha-Glass Villain: Ah yes, good point.
Clark: So where did your son put the diamonds he stole after becoming a freak of the week?
Granny: Since I'm a good guy, I don't know, but I can unknowingly give you a clue.
Evil Mwahaha-Glass Villain: So here are the diamonds I stole for us. Now we can go back to the plans we made before the war.
Maddie: You stole them, didn't you? I don't want them! Go away!
Clark: I'll save you!
(SUPER-RUN!)
(SUPER-THROW!)
Clark: That was quick. A little too quick.
Lana: Chloe, why were you accusing Lex earlier?
Chloe: Lana, he's a predator!
Lana: Well, you don't have to worry about me. I don't plan on being anyone's prey!
Chloe: What prey does?
Ma Kent: So Lois, how'd you like to be my Chief of Staff?
Lois: Me? Why me? I have no experience and just because I ran a campaign to get Mr. Kent elected doesn't make me qualified to be your Chief of Staff!
Ma Kent: I know, but this way you'll be a great scapegoat if things go wrong.
Lois: Wow, you make the offer sound so tempting.
Maddie: Clark, why do fathers suck so much?
Clark: No, Maddie, only biological fathers suck. You see, anyone can be a father --
Maddie: Can I be a father?
Clark: -- Any guy can be a father, but not everyone wants to adopt.
Evil Mwahaha-Glass Villain: Ha! I'm the Evil Mwahaha-Glass Villain! Mwahahaha!
Clark: Didn't I already get you?
Evil Mwahaha-Glass Villain: Yeah, but I'm here so you can talk Maddie out of killing me!
Maddie: You're using me? I'll kill you!
Clark: No, wait!
Maddie: So I'm scared about meeting my grandmother.
Clark: Don't worry. If she gives you any trouble, I'll come over and beat her up.
Chloe: This is so great! Lois will be Chief of Staff so I can essentially have a spy up at the Capitol!
Clark: So how's Lana?
Chloe: Look, Clark, I'm not going to be a spy for you. Because that'd be wrong.
Lana: We're not dating, are we?
Lex: No, of course not.
(pause)
Lex: Let's kiss.
(They kiss at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2006, Derek Dean.