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Five-Minute "Forever"

by Derek Dean

hloe: You like high school? You're just ... evil.

Sounds: Drip. Slam. Gurgle. Squish.
Chloe: So after wandering around listening to unscary sounds, I find this stiff? I'm confused.
Stiff: My eyes move.
Chloe: Oh, that explains SO much.
Stiff: And you're trapped here.

Pa Kent: Clark, why are you going to Central Kansas and not somewhere far far away?
Clark: Two words: Fifth season.

Chloe: Okay, so all the doors are locked, all the windows are fake, all the phones are dead, but I'm okay. I can get through this.
Computer: Can't connect to internet.
Girl: Sorry, Chloe, you'll just have to play along like you're still in high school. There are cameras everywhere to make sure we do.
Chloe: Wait, everywhere? Whoever's behind this is a pervert.

Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: Mwahaha! I'm behind this.
Chloe: Pervert.
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: If I were really a pervert, I'd do stuff while you were frozen.
Chloe: Frozen?
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: Yeah, like this.
Chloe: So wait, is he frozen, wax, or a mannequin?
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: I'd rather leave that ambiguous.

Clark: Hey Lana, where are you going to college?
Lana: Well, I'd been thinking about a whole bunch of places. Then I heard the show was getting a fifth season, so I decided not to go to college and stay in Smallville.
Clark: Makes sense.

Lex: (on phone) So if you could just dig through that cave wall... You can't?... Shoot.
Jason: BANG!
Lex: Not you, moron.

Pa Kent: I don't want Clark to guilt-trip himself into staying, so I'm chopping the wood to prove that I don't need him.
Ma Kent: You're just hoping if Clark leaves, the fifth season will be about you.
Pa Kent: I've got the General Lee ready to go. How do you look in Daisy Dukes?

Lana: Geez, do I have to be your sidekick this time? "Look, Holmes, Chloe left her cell phone and coffee."
Clark: Indubitably, Lana. Only one thing could've caused this.
Lana: A psychotic newspaper photographer who can turn people into mannequins?
Clark: Don't be silly! She was obviously shrunk, turned invisible, and was then kidnapped by Lionel Luthor!
Lana: You're right. That's much more likely.

Jason's Mom: Hello, Lionel and Lex. I'm looking for one of the stones.
Lex: Okay, let's review. There's the stone Clark has in his cave, there's the stone Jason gave to Lana, and there's the stone that Swann gave to some girl somewhere, right?
Jason's Mom: Right.
Lex: Now we don't know about the stone in Clark's cave yet. We do know that Lex and Lionel both didn't realize that Jason gave the stone to Lana, and we've never heard anything about the third stone, right?
Jason's Mom: Right.
Lex: So explain to me again how you're so sure that Lionel has a stone?
Jason's Mom: I have my reasons. No, wait, I don't. What I meant to say was "I have my script."

Clark: Lois, have you seen --
Girl: Hey, Clark. Can you sign my yearbook?
Clark: You know, being interrupted by a girl who wants me to sign her yearbook is probably one of the most normal things that has ever happened on this show.
Lois: Hey, look. All the people on this center page are missing.
Clark: Phew, that's a relief. I thought we might be getting normal.

Lana: Look, I have a stone. Let me look at it for a good long time out in the relative open. I hope no one catches me doing this.
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: FREEZE!
Lana: AAAAH! Oh wait, you're not a recurring character. Hee hee. Sorry.
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: No problem. Could you sign my yearbook? And while you're at it, freeze.

Student: Chloe, you need to get to class.
Chloe: So wait, does that mean that evil villain guy is capturing teachers and trapping them in this pseudo-school too?
Student: Actually, I was just joking. We never had any classes in our real high school. Why would we now?

Lana: Huh? What? Where? Who?
Chloe: You were turned into a mannequin. Just keep smiling. Evil Photoguy is watching.
Lana: Great we're trapped in a high school with an evil psychotic photoguy watching our every move? I'd say we hit bottom.
Chloe: Actually I do have a plan.
Lana: Oh, no, here's a lower place.

Jason's Mom: So, Lionel, tell me where the stone is or I'll gouge out Lex's eye with this poker.
Lionel: Okay, okay, I gave it to Lana, 'cause she's the chosen one.
Lex: Wait, I thought Jason gave it to her. And how did you know Lana had a stone? And how did --
Lionel: Lex, stop trying to make sense.

Lois: Look, Holmes, there are pictures of the people from the yearbook's centerfold on the wall with X's over them.
Clark: Centerpage, Watson. And look, here's a blueprint of the school. The villain must have built a replica of the school and trapped the students in there.
Lois: A replica of the high school?
Clark: What did you think it'd be of? Elementary, dear Watson?

Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: You wanted to come on to me?
Chloe: Yes, but only so Lana could hit you over the head with something big and heavy.
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: All right! Give me a kiss!
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: Whoa, baby! What a kiss!

Chloe: Okay, we've stolen his keys and we've got a good headstart. We should be able to escape here with no --
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: Problems?
Lana: Wait, how'd you get here so quickly?
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: I'd rather leave that ambiguous. What I don't want to leave amiguous is this frozen girl's head which I ripped off her body and will now shatter on the stairs.
Chloe: Well, that's no way to get ahead in life.

Lionel: Jason, don't feel bad that you're such a dull mama's boy. I don't think any less of you for it.
Jason: That's because you never thought much of me at all.
Lionel: True. Now why don't you leave while Lex and I make our escape.
Jason: Okay.

Jason: Hey, you're escaping! Come back!
Lionel: (TRIP!)
Jason: Eat lead, Lionel.
Jason: Run away! Run away!
Lex: Ha! Got you cornered on this convenient cliff.
Jason: Okay, okay, I'll tell you everything! It's Clark. He's really --
Jason: Ha! Missed the heart. Between that and my convenient fall into the river at the bottom of the cliff, I doubt you've seen the last of me.
Lex: DA-ad! I was gonna kill him!
Lionel: Yeah, but I like giving you reasons to mistrust me.

Clark: All right, here's the factory where he built his high school replica. Let's go in through the front door.
Lois: No, I'll sneak in through the second floor. It's more exciting.
Clark: Whatever. GASP! Chloe! You're a mannequin, or frozen, or something.
Chloe: My eyes move.
Clark: Freaky.
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: Hey! You're not supposed to be here! How'd you get in?
Lois: Just lucky I guess.
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: You're about to be a lucky stiff.

Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: Mwahaha! I'm the villain! And I like high school!
Clark: You like high school? You are evil.
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: Now I'll freeze you....
Clark: Have you heard about my rubber power? It goes like this: "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you do bounces off me and sticks to you."
Evil Mwahaha-Photoguy Villain: GAK!
Lana: Yay! I'm unfrozen! Though I don't quite get how his death unfreezes us.
Clark: I'd rather leave that ambiguous.

Pa Kent: Are you sure you want to go to Central Kansas? Did I ever tell you about my college experience?
Clark: Yes. Twice today alone. But you're not changing my mind.
Pa Kent: Darn. Martha! Call Tom Wopat and tell him it's a no go!

Chloe: Well, I've emptied out the Torch's offices, so I guess it's officially over.
Clark: Uh, Chloe, aren't the computers the school's property?
Chloe: You didn't think I was editing the Torch for free, did you?
(Clark hauls off Chloe's computer, copier, fax machine, printing press, and wall of weird at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 3, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.