Home Prev 5MSV: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Ageless"

by Derek Dean

regnant Girl: No, but my belly's glowing. What does that mean?
Tanner: That, uh, I'm leaving. Bye.

Lana: Oh look, Clark. It's a baby! Can we keep him?
Clark: We?
Lana: He's such a cute little thing. We should take him to the hospital.
Clark: We?

Clark: Dad, I think the boy is an alien like me.
Pa Kent: Oh, just drop that plotline. We will speak of it no more!
Clark: Awwwww, but da-ad.... Can we at least keep him instead of giving him to child services?
Pa Kent: Okay, okay, but I don't think this would ever happen in real life.

Chloe: So, how's Clark with the baby?
Lana: Just fine. He does this really cute thing with him where he --
Chloe: You know, maybe that wasn't the smartest question to ask. Why don't I just reveal that there might actually be a biological father?
Clark: Let's find him then!
Lana: Right now?
Clark: Nah, there's a baby to take care of now.

Lionel: You wanted to see me?
Jason's Mom: You are evil again, right?
Lionel: Inexplicably, yes.
Jason's Mom: Good, then go get the stone from Lex. And his little dog too.

Lana: How's taking care of the baby going?
Clark: Great! So far no humorous cliches about infant care.
Baby: PISS!
Clark: Until now, apparently.

Lana: The baby needs a name so we don't just keep calling him Baby.
Clark: Why not?
Lana: Because when you're older, being called Baby would just be insulting.
Clark: Hey, baby, whatever you say.

Clark: So we really should find, um, Evan S. Field's father.
Lana: No, the kid's an orphan just like us. He was fated to find us, so we shouldn't ignore fate and do whatever it tells us to.
Clark: Uh, Evan's glowing.
Lana: Leave him, it was fated.

Evan: (GLOW) (GROW)
Clark: Hey, that rhymed.

Lionel: Before you get too distracted by this week's plot, let me just warn you to look out for Jason's Mom. She's evil.
Lex: In contrast to --
Lionel: Good point. But she's looking for the stone she thinks you have, and will stop at nothing to get it.

Clark: So I've decided to take Evan to see Lex, since he might be able to cure him.
Pa Kent: Oh, so you're friends with him this week?
Clark: Of course. I'm always friends with him when I want something from him.

Lana: So, Evan, what have you been doing while I went to the bathroom?
Evan: Well, I read all the books on Clark's bookcase including the encyclopedia, discovered the secret formula for Coca-Cola, and predicted the next five major earthquakes.
Clark: Wow, Evan, that's great. By the way, we're not your biological parents.
Evan: No, that can't be! That's impossible!

Lana: You think Evan's going to be okay?
Clark: I'm sure he'll be just fine.
Lex: He's got 24 hours to live unless you get the bone marrow from a biological parent.
Clark: Well, thanks for breaking it to us gently, Lex.

Evan: (GLOW!) (GROW!)
Lex: I have got to do more tests on that kid.
Clark: Um, Lex? You're salivating. I think I should probably take him home.
Lex: Aw, shucks.

Evan: I'm going to die soon, aren't I? I'm never going to do anything, will I? I hate my life.
Clark: Well, you're a teenager all right. And with that attitude, you'll fit right in on the WB.
Evan: You're not my real father. I hate you!
Clark: That's the spirit!

Chloe: So the girl was kryptonite-enhanced with super-pregnancy powers.
Clark: That's her power? That is so pathetic. Why don't I ever get to fight people with those kind of kryptonite powers?

Clark: Tanner, I know you're Evan's father.
Tanner: How? You just glance at an invite list, and somehow figure out that it's me who's the father?
Clark: You're listed as Father Tanner. And you're not Catholic. So how about some bone marrow?
Tanner: Er, no, I'm kind of attached to it.

Clark: So I don't think Evan will want to meet his real father, since he won't give his marrow for a life saving operation.
Pa Kent: Meh, biological fathers. What are they good for?
Clark: Absolutely nothing.

Evan: So can I meet my real father?
Clark: I don't think you should, Evan. So I'm going to deliberately not tell you that it's Tanner at the auto repair shop.
Evan: Smith's Auto Repair or Jones's Auto Repair?
Clark: I don't think I should tell you it's Smith's. Sorry.
Evan: Er, darn.

Clark: So I found the father, but he's worthless.
Subliminal Message: Just like every biological father.
Lex: It doesn't matter. Evan's growing exponentially and his next change will age him a lot and also kill him and whoever's around him.
Clark: Wait, newborn, 7-year-old, 14-year-old... How is that exponential?
Lex: Shut up. I just read the lines they give me.

Evan: Sniff. Hi dad.
Tanner: Er, I'm not your dad. Now let's both slowly back away from each other.
Evan: Dad! Look out for that strangely-placed and conveniently-lethal --
Tanner: I'm not your dad!
Evan: ...spike.

Clark: Lex, look! It's Evan's biological dad!
Lex: Hm. He's dead. Guess that means there's no hope for Evan.
Clark: Don't kid yourself, there was never any hope for Evan. He was clearly a one-time-only character.
Lex: Yes, well, I guess we'll have to lock him in my blast-proof laboratory to, uh, protect people when he glows and grows.
Clark: Lex, you're salivating again.

Evan: Lana, help me. My dad died and I don't know what to do!
Lana: Er, just don't take me captive. That happens too often.
Evan: Okay, then I'll just persuade you to come to the windmill, but there'll be very little difference between that and taking you captive. Clark will still have to rescue you.
Lana: Well, at least I'm used to that happening.

Clark: I can't find Evan or Lana anywhere.
Chloe: Don't you have a super-power for finding energy surges?
Clark: Huh? What's that supposed to mean?
Chloe: Never mind, they're at the windmill. Go super-run after them.
Clark: Chloe? Are you trying to tell me something?

Clark: Lana! You have to get down from the windmill! Evan's glowing and growing again, but inexplicably slower than last time!
Lana: Okay.
Evan: I'm dying, Clark. It's very sad.
Clark: It's okay. I'll stay with you to the very end. Because I'm not your biological father.

Lana: Clark, are you okay?
Clark: Yep. Just don't think too hard about how I was able to survive. And don't think too hard about how I was able to get here without a car either.
Lana: No problem.

Lana: Sniff. Look at all this stuff of Evan's. It's so sad putting it all away.
Clark: When did he have time to get all this stuff?
Lana: Sniff. Look, he tried making a perpetual-motion machine, but all it does is go faster and faster.
Clark: Huh. I thought he was supposed to have been smart.

Lionel: So let's drink. You from your glass, and me from mine.
Jason's Mom: Sip. Why does that line sound like it's from The Princess Bride?
Lionel: Because I poisoned your drink, that's what's so funny!
Jason's Mom: And you've built up a resistance to it?
Lionel: No, I just didn't drink any. Now in exchange for the antidote, I'd like the stone and protection for Lex.
Jason's Mom: Geez, you're evil.
Lionel: In contrast to....
Jason's Mom: Good point.

Clark: Well, that was fun. Too bad I'll never have kids of my own.
Ma Kent: What? Why not?
Clark: Have you ever read "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex"?

Lex: Too bad about Evan, but some good has come out of this. I will be able to cure every conceivable disease with his blood samples. And I'll release it to the world.
Clark: Well, that's good. Thanks, Lex.
Aide: You'll release it to the world?
Lex: Oh, I meant to say on the world.
(The episode ends ominously at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Blank
Next fiver: Forever


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.

Other reviews:

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Smallville
___ ___ Season 4
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Ageless"

This fiver was originally published on October 27, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.