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Five-Minute Henry IV, Part 1

by Lea Frost

Act I

Henry: Well, time to go on a pilgrimage to assuage my guilt.
Westmorland: There was a big battle and Hotspur kicked multiple butts!
Henry: Why can't my no-good son be more like him? Never mind that he wrecked my Crusade plans.

Hal: Hey Falstaff, you're really fat.
Falstaff: Damn straight. I'm a drunk and a thief too. Hey, if you're not doing anything tonight, wanna rob some pilgrims?
Hal: I'm so there.
Poins: Then we can jump Falstaff and rob him!
Hal: (to audience) Don't worry, once I'm king I'll dump these losers first chance I get.

Henry: OK, Hotspur, hand over those Scottish prisoners.
Hotspur: Hell, no! You sent me a fruity messenger!
Henry: You watch your mouth, boy!
Worcester: So when are you going to ransom Mortimer?
Henry: Screw that! He's a traitor!

Hotspur: We bust our butts to put him on the throne and look how he treats us....
Northumberland: Are you finished ranting yet?
Hotspur: Well, it just pisses me off!
Worcester: Just shut up and listen. We'll get together with Douglas and Glendower and revolt!
Hotspur: Sounds like a plan to me.

Act II

Falstaff: Your money or your life!
Pilgrims: Don't kill us!
Hal and Poins: Your money or your life!
Falstaff: Don't kill me!

Lady Percy: Why won't you tell me what you're up to?
Hotspur: You can't keep secrets because you're a woman.

Falstaff: I fought off eleven men in buckram!
Hal: That was us, fatso.
Falstaff: I knew it all along! Hey, why don't we practice what you're going to tell your dad when you go back to court? I'll be you, and you be your dad.
Hal: OK. Hal, quit hanging out with that sleazy sack of guts Falstaff.
Falstaff: Falstaff's great, Dad! Don't banish him!
Hal: No way. He's toast.


Glendower: The earth shook when I was born!
Hotspur: No, it didn't.
Glendower: Yes, it did! And I can call devils, too.
Worcester: Just humor him. So, how are we going to divvy up England?
Hotspur: How should I know? I forgot the map.
Glendower: Never mind that. I'll just have my daughter sing in Welsh.

Henry: How do you expect to be king? You're acting just like Richard II!
Hal: No, I'm not.
Henry: I believe you, son.

Hal: Falstaff, get off your big butt because you're going to war.
Falstaff: Damn. I'd rather stay here and drink.

Act IV

Messenger: Hotspur, your dad's not coming. He's got a doctor's note.
Hotspur: More glory for us!

Falstaff: Hey Bardolph, get me some sack.
Bardolph: But I'm spending all my money on sack!
Falstaff: I'll pay you back with what I make abusing the draft.

Blunt: The King says he'll pardon everyone if you call the whole thing off.
Hotspur: Bite me.

Act V

Worcester: This whole thing's your fault.
Henry: Is not!
Worcester: Is too!
Hal: Look, why don't Hotspur and I settle this ourselves?
Henry: Go and give him the message. If it works out, I'll pardon everyone else.
Vernon: So should we tell him?
Worcester: Nah.

Blunt: Who the hell are you?
Douglas: I'm Douglas! Surrender or die, King Henry! (kills Blunt)
Hotspur: Way to kick ass, Douglas!
Douglas: I killed the king! We won!
Hotspur: That's not the king, it's Blunt dressed like him.
Douglas: Moron.

Falstaff: Who wants honor? You'll just end up like this guy.
Hal: Get out there and fight!
Falstaff: As if.

Douglas: So, who else does the king have running around in his clothes?
Henry: It's really me!
Hal: I'll save you, Dad!
Henry: What do you know? You do care!

Hotspur: So, Prince Hal, we meet at last.
Hal: England's not big enough for the both of us, Hotspur!
Hotspur: Damn, I'm food for-- (dies)
Falstaff: Go Hal!

(Douglas comes in, and Falstaff fakes a coronary)

Hal: Falstaff's dead. That kinda sucks.
Falstaff: No, I'm not. Oh, and I killed Hotspur, too.
Hal: No, Ikilled Hotspur.
Falstaff: Well, he wasn't quite dead. I finished the job.
Hal: Whatever you say.

Henry: Off with their heads! That's what you get for rebelling.
Worcester: It's a fair cop.
Hal: I think I'll let Douglas go. He was a good sport.
Henry: Now it's off to Wales for part two!


Previous fiver: Richard II
Next fiver: Henry IV, Part 2

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This fiver was originally published on March 18, 2001.

UN-DISCLAIMER: Nothing here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures, and Will Shakespeare is long dead. Ergo, no disclaimers are necessary. In their faces.

All material © 2000, Lea Luecking Frost.