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Five-Minute Henry IV, Part 2

by Lea Frost

Act I

Rumor: I told everyone the King lost. Ain't I a stinker?

Lord Bardolph: Guess what? We won, and your son killed the Prince!
Northumberland: Woo-hoo!
Morton: Actually, they lost, and your son died. Sorry.
Northumberland: Dammit.

Lord Chief Justice: Falstaff!
Falstaff: That's my name. Don't wear it out.
LCJ: You're going back to war. Oh, and you're not allowed to hang out with the Prince anymore.
Falstaff: Fine with me. But I'd rather stay home and drink.

Archbishop of York: So, how do you think this rebellion thing is going? We need some exposition.
Hastings: Well, we've got lots of men, but Northumberland might not show up...again.
Archbishop: We've got the people on our side! Of course, they supported Henry at first too.

Act II

Mistress Quickly: Falstaff is eating me out of house and home! Arrest him!
Falstaff: Oh, can it, bint.
LCJ: Falstaff, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Falstaff: Bite me.

Hal: So I hear my dad's sick. I ought to be upset, but I just can't work up to it.
Boy: Letter from Falstaff!
Poins: What's it say?
Hal: It's pretty incomprehensible, actually. Want to go drink?
Poins: And how!

Northumberland: Well, it's off to war for me.
Lady Percy: You hung my husband -- your own son -- out to dry, and now you're going to war?
Northumberland: Fine, I'll stay home then.

Doll Tearsheet: You're such a stud, Falstaff!
Falstaff: Don't I know it.
Random Bar Employee: Pistol's here!
All: Oh, not him again!
Pistol: (to Doll) Hey baby, what's your sign?
Doll: Sod off!
(A hilariously comic barroom brawl ensues, and Pistol ends up getting unceremoniously hauled out.)
Doll: That's better. So, why does the Prince hang out with that Poins bloke, anyway?
Falstaff: They're both wankers.
Hal: Hey, I heard that!
Falstaff: Oh, I just said it to keep Doll out of your hair.
Hal: Yeah, well, that's all well and good, but we've got to go back to the wars.
Falstaff: I'd still rather stay here and drink.


Henry: You know, the trouble with being king is that you can't get any sleep. Being king sucks.

Shallow: Ahoy there, Falstaff, old bean!
Falstaff: Let's just start with the draft already. Moldy, Shadow --
Shallow: What was that?
Falstaff: I said Shadow! Anyway, Shadow, Wart, and Bullcalf. You guys are in the army now. Congratulations.
Recruits: Can we pay you off instead?
Falstaff: I thought you'd never ask.

Act IV

Archbishop: So, Lord Exposition, where are we at again?
Hastings: Gaultree Forest.
Archbishop: Right. Hey, here comes someone from the King.
Westmorland: You know, this is conduct totally unbecoming a clergyman.
Archbishop: The King started it!
Westmorland: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll call off the battle and talk this over.
Archbishop: Works for me.
Hastings: I have a bad feeling about this...

Prince John: So, ready to negotiate?
Archbishop: We are.
Prince John: Good. You're all under arrest for high treason.
Rebels: Crap!

Prince John: Well, we'd better head back to the court -- I hear Dad's not doing so well.
Falstaff: You know, Prince John creeps me out. I think it's because he doesn't drink that much.

Henry: Well, sons, it's time to plan that crusade, and -- hey, where's your brother?
Prince Thomas: Don't ask me.
Henry: Look, you'll keep an eye on him after I die, won't you? Because England's in big trouble otherwise.
Westmorland: We beat the rebels!
Henry: All right -- whoa, I don't feel so good....

Hal: So how's Dad?
Prince Humphrey: He's in pretty bad shape.
Hal: I think I'll go in and see him. Hey Dad! Dad? Crap, I think he's dead. Well, that makes me king, so I'll go and try this crown on....

Henry: (waking up) Hey, who the hell took my crown?
Humphrey: Uh, we think it was Hal.
Henry: Warwick, go get him. Lousy ingrate son....
Hal: I thought you were dead!
Henry: Yeah, you wished. I'm just glad I won't be around to see your reign. People will curse the name of Henry V!
Hal: Look, I'm really sorry, OK? I'll shape up, or may I never be king!
Henry: That's better, son. Oh, and before I die -- you know how I usurped the crown? Good luck with it.

Act V

LCJ: So, how's the King?
Warwick: He's dead.
LCJ: Well, now we're all going to have to kiss Sir John Falstaff's colossal behind.
Henry V: Hey, why the long faces?
LCJ: Well...uh...remember that time I had you arrested? It was your dad's idea, not mine.
Henry V: Oh, I'm totally OK with that now. You'll be a pillar of the realm. Now, shall we plan the coronation party?

Pistol: Guess what? Prince Hal is King now!
All: Woo-hoo!
Falstaff: We'll all be rich! And I am going to kick the Lord Chief Justice's butt so hard....

Falstaff: God save the King!
Henry V: Bugger off.

Prince John: Well, that was a good move.
LCJ: Damn skippy.
Prince John: So, I hear we're going to France before long....

Epilogue: Hope you liked the play! There's a sequel coming soon, with lots of cool battle scenes and Falstaff with VD. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!


Previous fiver: Henry IV, Part 1
Next fiver: Henry V

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This fiver was originally published on December 14, 2001.

UN-DISCLAIMER: Nothing here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures, and Will Shakespeare is long dead. Ergo, no disclaimers are necessary. In their faces.

All material © 2001, Lea Luecking Frost.