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Five-Minute Richard II

by Lea Frost

Act I

Mowbray: Bolingbroke's a traitor!
Bolingbroke: No, Mowbray's the traitor!
Richard: (aside) Damn, this makes me look bad. (aloud) Why don't you just kiss and make up?
Bolingbroke: My honor won't allow it!
Mowbray: Neither will mine!
Richard: Fine. See you at Coventry.

Duchess of Gloucester: Are you going to let Richard and Mowbray get away with killing your brother?
Gaunt: Yes. Why don't you go pray and leave me alone?

Richard: Oh, forget this. You're both banished.
Mowbray: Damn, now I have to learn French!
Gaunt: (to Bolingbroke) Keep a stiff upper lip, son. Pretend you're on vacation or something.

Act II

Gaunt: I'm dying, and my beloved England is screwed. Richard, you're a terrible king and if your father had lived longer he'd have written you out of his will.
Richard: Hurry up and die, old man!
Northumberland: Gaunt's dead.
Richard: Woo-hoo! Now I can use his money to beat up the Irish!
Queen: I have a bad feeling about this...

York: What are you doing back in England?
Bolingbroke: I want my land back. Really, that's the only reason, I swear! So, are you with me?
York: Well, erm...I dunno...maybe...

Welsh Captain: We were going to fight for the king, but we hear he's dead. It's in the stars.
Salisbury: Well, Richard, you're really screwed now.


Richard: Bolingbroke can't defeat me! I'm an anointed king! So there!
Salisbury: The Welsh just went over to Bolingbroke's side.
Aumerle: Are you all right, my liege?
Richard: What do you think?
Scroope: Oh, and everyone else is also on Bolingbroke's side and your favorites are dead.
Richard: Screw it, then. I'm going to Flint Castle to pine.

Northumberland: Come out and take it like a man!
Richard: All right, traitors! I resign! Are you happy now? Are you? Now why don't we go to London and make it official while we're at it?
Bolingbroke: Works for me.

Gardener: England is just like an unweeded garden!
Audience: What was the point of that?

Act IV

Bolingbroke: So, ready to fork over the crown?
Richard: Fine, take it. But get me a mirror first. Hey, what do you know? I'm still good-looking even after all this. Stupid mirror! (smashes it)
Bolingbroke: Will someone please lock him up?

Act V

Queen: Aren't you going to do something about this?
Richard: Nah. It makes a great story.

York: My son's a traitor! Kill him!
Duchess of York: Don't kill him! Pardon him!
Aumerle: Yeah, I didn't mean it!
Bolingbroke: God, this is a ridiculous scene. Oh, all right, you're pardoned.

Richard: You know, I really was a pretty crappy king.
Stable-Groom: By the way, Bolingbroke rode your horse at his coronation.
Richard: Stupid horse!
Exton: Take that!
Richard: You'll burn in hell for this! (dies)

Exton: I just offed Richard! Here's the body!
Bolingbroke: Damn, now I feel guilty. Maybe I should go on a pilgrimage....


Next fiver: Henry IV, Part 1

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This fiver was originally published on March 18, 2001.

UN-DISCLAIMER: Nothing here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures, and Will Shakespeare is long dead. Ergo, no disclaimers are necessary. In their faces.

All material © 2000, Lea Luecking Frost.