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Five-Minute "The Showdown"

by Zeke

Marissa: I told you to stop calling.
Trey: (on the phone) Oh, was that it? I thought you said to stop calling you "baby."
Marissa: You couldn't even do that!
Trey: Of course I could, baby! I -- wait. Can I start over? Hello? Baby?

Jess: Told you it would never work with Marissa.
Trey: Yeah, well, you were also the one who told me I wanted her in the first place. Come to think of it --
Jess: (slap) Bad Trey! No thinking! Let's get you some crack and casual sex before this gets out of hand.

Kirsten: Mmm. I love the taste of napalm in the morning.
Kirsten's Drink: What? I'm just orange juice and vodka.
Kirsten: I'm far enough gone that you taste like napalm.

Julie: Good morning, sweetie! Look what I made for you!
Caleb: Eggs Benedict, eh? You left out the Arnold.
Julie: Hey, I'll have you know these eggs are infallible! Why do you keep pushing me away? You said you wanted to make this work!
Caleb: Oh, all right. I'll keep pretending I want that. Meet me for dinner at the Ruse Garden.
Julie: Yay!

Kirsten: 'Morning, kids. How was Miami?
Ryan: Almost a dead ringer for Vegas this time of year.
Seth: And creamy.
Kirsten: No, your mom's a skank! Know what your problem is? I -- (passes out)
Sandy: That was odd. I wonder if there's alcohol in this drink of hers. Give it a sniff for me, Seth.
Seth: Why can't you do it?
Sandy: I'm part of the legal system. We're no good at judging O.J.

Ryan: Hey!
Marissa: ...Hey.
Ryan: I missed you. Let's do something special tonight.
Marissa: ...Sounds like fun.
Ryan: Uh, should I be taking anything from this hesitation before everything you say?
Marissa: ...I'm not hesitating.
Ryan: Well, good.

Seth: Summer! Honeybunches! Cuddlemuffin!
Summer: Oh, how sweet. Sweet like whipped friggin' cream.
Seth: (Okay, Plan B.) I'm so, so sorry, Summer. I never meant to lick dairy products off a hot blonde chick on national TV. Sometimes these things just happen.
Summer: I agree. For example, I just happened to kiss Zach.
Seth: You did what? Noooo! What did I do to deserve this?

Kirsten's Secretary: Carter left this necklace for you. Tee hee!
Kirsten: Heyyy, don't you write the gossip column?
Kirsten's Secretary: I sure do now!

Jess: Going to sit with Marissa, eh? How cute.
Ryan: Holly? No, wait, you're that girl from the party who drowned or something, right?
Jess: Oh, I'll drown you. In hints and innuendo.
Ryan: ...Okay.

Zach: Summer, did that kiss mean anything, or were you just getting back at Seth?
Summer: Both. It meant getting back at him. Are you okay with that?
Zach: Well, I --
Seth: AHA! You two are together! Zach was obviously about to say "I and you are totally an item again and Seth is lamer than Speedball!"
Zach: Aw, Seth, I'd never say that about you. Booster Gold maybe....
Summer: I'm getting away from you two in case you're contagious.

Sandy: Nice necklace. Where'd you get it?
Kirsten: ...Cooking contest. Yes.
Sandy: Wow, if this was the prize for last place, I'd love to see what first was. You okay, honey? You look like you have a headache.
Kirsten: Sorry, just a mental conflict. My relief that you bought it is fighting my desire to slap you.

Seth: I don't get you, man. What happened to the guy who always knew his relationship with Summer wasn't real, and who stepped aside for my inevitable reunion with her?
Zach: That guy's my secret identity.
Seth: Yeah? Well, it's on now, pal. It's ON.
Zach: What's on?
Seth: It! Pay attention!

Trey: I swear, I never meant for this to happen! How could I have known taking all kinds of drugs would affect my judgement?
Marissa: Been there. But I am not forgiving you, so leave me alone. Who do you think I am, Season 6 Buffy?
Ryan: Hey guys. What's up?
Trey: Nothing is up. Nothing. Not even the sun. I'm running away now, and that's not suspicious. (runs)
Marissa: Me too. In the opposite direction, for no reason. (runs)
Ryan: But... but the sun is up.

Zach: I'm sorry, but I have to pull out of the graphic novel.
Reed: The hell you do! You signed a legal contract, buster. Try to break it and I'll sue you for the entire $5.68 you're worth.
Seth: Wow. For someone so flip, you can sure go serious fast, Reed.
Reed: That's why they call me Ms. Fantastic. I'm flexible.

Ryan: Marissa seems so distant. Not pool-furniture distant, but still.
Seth: I'd help, but I have to commit myself to the war effort. It's ON, you see. The onness of it has been maximized. it.getOn() returns true. By the way, have you got any nylons?
Ryan: (stare)
Seth: For the war effort.

Comic Club Guy: Zach and Summer entered the restaurant at 1426 hours. Since then, they've ordered... (scratch) Sir, can you explain the point of the nylons again? They itch.
Seth: They're your cover. Who would be suspicious of a guy in drag?
Comic Club Guy: You could at least not take pictures.

Ryan: I'm kinda worried about Marissa. Did something happen while I was gone?
Trey: Couldn't tell you, Ry. Because the answer might incriminate me.
Ryan: Heheh. The 5th Amendment.
Trey: ...Okay, I couldn't have told you that either. Dork.

Jess: Well hello again.
Ryan: I'm not in the mood, Holly. Just skip the hinting and tell me what's up.
Jess: No can do.
Ryan: Then give me a big enough hint that I can get somewhere.
Jess: Threesomes.
Ryan: Thanks.

Seth: Hey, you two. How are you Zach didn't quit the comic doing?
Summer: What?
Zach: Summer, I can explain....
Seth: Hey, answer my question.

Kirsten: Carter? I shouldn't be calling, but --
Carter's Answering Machine: Hi, you've reached Carter Buckley. Since you're calling me, you must care that I exist, so that makes you Kirsten. Please leave Sandy for me, Kirsten. Please please please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE --
Kirsten: I really shouldn't be calling.

Summer: Whoa! Where did you get that bruise? What jerk -- hey, that gives me an idea. Seth and Zach have been jerks since Reed showed up. It must be her doing! I'm gonna go rage-blackout her in the face!
Marissa: Uh, Sum....
Summer: Right, the bruise. I was just gonna say you've done a lousy job of covering it up. Cosmo Girl? More like Cosmo Not.
Marissa: What I want to know is why you were looking into my cleavage.

Sandy: 'Morning, honey. How's the hangover?
Kirsten: What? Hangover? You lie, you liar!
Sandy: I found you asleep last night with Kangaroo Jack in the DVD player. If that doesn't prove you were drunk out of your mind....
Kirsten: I won't sit here and be slandered! You can take your breakfast in bed and shove it! (storms out)
Sandy: Joke's on her. I found this in Julie Cooper's trash.

Summer: You! You! You turned my boyfriends into Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots!
Reed: And I can turn you into Superhero Model Barbie.
Summer: ...Really?

Julie: It'll be okay, Kiki. You two always work things out in the end.
Kirsten: Thanks, Julie. Maybe I --
Julie: Just like me and your dad.
Kirsten: Get out. And pass me the vodka on your way.

Ryan: Wow. Nice dress. I'd be non-verbal if I weren't already.
Marissa: So let's start making out, the one activity most likely to make you notice my huge bruise.
Ryan (looking like Trey to Marissa): Sure.
Marissa: Gah! Not you!
Ryan: Why not?
Marissa: ...Because I'm not ready. Or I'm too ready. Any excuse is fine. Just not the truth, which would be much worse for everyone than this increasingly flimsy tower of lies. I'm running again now. Love you!

Zach: Too bad none of our friends could make it to the graphic novel launch.
Seth: They're too busy with their own dramas to attend ours. Speaking of which: Summer, I love you!
Summer: Uh....
Zach: Whoa! I get it now! It IS on! (attacks Seth)
Summer: Oh, that does it. I'm gonna go run across the beach into my own arms.
Reed: And I'm gonna get some popcorn. 10 bucks on Zach!
Summer: Pfft, like I'm taking that sucker bet.

Sandy: We need to talk. Our marriage is starting to suck, and I don't think your "stay so drunk you don't notice" plan is helping.
Kirsten: I don't see your "not get drunk" plan doing any better!
Sandy: I know a lot has been coming between us. Carter, Rebecca, Solomon Burke, knowing what the kids did last summer....
Kirsten: You know what all those have in common? Two things: you sucking, and the suckage of you! And furthermore -- bye! (runs)
Sandy: Wow. I could actually hear her liver screaming.

Julie: Hi! Nichol, party of two.
Maitre d': I'm afraid Mr. Nichol couldn't make it. He sent these divorce papers in his place.
Julie: Fine, but they're paying.

Kirsten: GLUG GLUG... wait. Wait! What am I doing to myself? I can't keep drinking this much! Time to make things right!
Bartender 1: (calling after her) Are you sure? I'll half-price your next two drinks if you promise to keep at it until your alcohol-poisoning level goes critical. I'll even throw in some painkillers!
Bartender 2: Oh, that does it. I'm reporting you to the boss.

Marissa: AAAA! You're in my house now? Being in Ryan's face wasn't enough?
Trey: Please let me make this right, Marissa! Please! I'll do anything! Except the one thing you've told me to do over and over!
Marissa: No. Get out. And for the love of God, don't let Ryan see you.
Trey: He's out there? How can you tell?
Marissa: Experience. There hasn't been an unobserved conversation in this town for two years.

Julie: You uncaring jerk! How could you send me the divorce papers that way? Without even a credit card in them?
Caleb: Very easily. As easily, in fact, as keeping you under surveillance for the last year.
Julie: So all that effort I went to to hide my affairs....
Caleb: Would have been better spent on a facelift, or perhaps some sort of personality transplant.
Julie: But... but didn't you ever love me?
Caleb: Of course. I spy on those I love all the time. Want to see what Lindsay's up to?
Julie: (squinting at the monitor) Fencing topless with a vampire?
Caleb: No, no, Lindsay with an A, dammit! This voice-recognition software is garbage.

Ryan: (GASP!)
Trey: Damn. Next time I'm leaving through the skylight.

Kirsten: Sandy, I'm so sorry! I was wrong all along! Starting now, in the middle of this intersection, I'm going to turn things around!
Car: (whizzes past)
Kirsten: I said, starting now I'm going to turn things around.
Another Car: (whizzes past)
Kirsten: And, um, I'm pregnant?
Kirsten: Boy, that took some prodding. Also, ow.


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This fiver was originally published on June 15, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Zeke.