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Five-Minute "The O. Sea"

by Zeke

Seth: Good morning, Ryan! Let's talk, shall we?
Ryan: I don't care if we're talking about Summer -- the day still doesn't start this early. Go away and leave me to my angst.
Seth: Ah yes, the "Marissa's with Trey" theory. Also known as the "Ryan's even more paranoid than me" theory.
Ryan: Dude! He was leaving her house! That means he was IN her house!
Seth: He could be sleeping with Julie. These days, who isn't? Besides -- (RING) -- wait, phone. Hello? ...Mom got run over by a WHAT?
Ryan: Oh no! I hope it's... hmm, I guess there's no good answer.

Kirsten: It's okay, guys, I'll be fine. The crash scene last week was greatly exaggerated.
Seth: If there's anything you need, Mom....
Kirsten: Don't worry. You boys just get to school.
Sandy: There they go, out of our plotline again.
Kirsten: Hey, they put their issues on hold for 15 whole minutes. For them, that's really sweet.

Summer: Ah, the prom! The event I dreamt about all my life, before the last two years made me bitter and jaded.
Marissa: Well, you're certainly bummed out. Something happen with Seth?
Summer: I'd tell you, but I'd have to use language that's not ready for prom time. How about you and Ryan?
Marissa: I'm worried. I think my suspicious behaviour is making him suspicious.
Summer: Is that like how Seth's unfaithful behaviour made me unfaithful?
Marissa: Sure, why not.

Kirsten: This accident has collided some sense into me, Sandy. I won't be drinking anymore.
Sandy: Thank God. You've been making Marissa's drinking habits look good.
Kirsten: Are you serious? Whoa. I need a dr-- I mean, that's a sobering thought. Now let's go dump out all the booze in the house.
Sandy: Wait a minute. Why do I have to quit?
Kirsten: To support your wife.
Sandy: Can't I just buy you a new sofa or something?

Seth: Hey. Are we cool now?
Zach: Yeah, we're cool.
Seth: Great! Let's see if we're cool with Summer.

Summer: HAHAHAHA! Cool? With you two? HAHAHAHA!
Seth: But the prom's coming up, and you've always --
Summer: One of you is taking me. I don't care which. Fight to the death for it.
Zach: Does it have to be to the death?
Summer: Why would the loser want to live?

Ryan: So. Trey. Leaving your house.
Marissa: That was only because --
Ryan: LIAR!
Marissa: (sob) He didn't even let me finish lying to him!

Julie: How's Kirsten? Are there any loopholes in this prenup?
Sandy: You don't care, and no. Well, okay, there's one. You can keep the stuff if you present proof that you're not a giant ho-bag.
Julie: Useless! What about the deadline? What happens if he misses it?
Sandy: You go to jail for whatever you did to him, assuming the police are remotely competent.
Julie: I like those odds.

Reed: One of you is meeting George Lucas. I don't care which. Fight to the death for it.
Zach: It's as if the whole world considers us interchangeable!
Seth: It's as if the plot's contrived!
Zach: Be nice.

Ryan: (KNOCK KNOCK) Trey! Come on, open up!
Trey: I'm not home. Go away.
Ryan: I'm really starting to doubt your honesty, man.

Caleb: Hello, Sanford. May I speak to Kirsten?
Sandy: Only if you can do it from the porch, through a closed d--
Kirsten: It's okay, I can handle this. Hi, Dad.
Caleb: Well, if you're going to be like that....
Kirsten: Told you, Sandy. I had more ammo.

Ryan: Angst angst ang--
Seth: Buddy, I'm gonna make a special exception here and not talk about me for a minute. You're being dumb. When has Marissa given you a reason not to trust her?
Ryan: Well, there was the thing where she stole stuff from my locker. Or when she hooked up with Theresa while we were on a break. Or --
Seth: You did those things.
Ryan: Trust is a two-way street!

Sandy: Let's stay in tonight. Order Chinese, watch bad movies, try out the new sofa....
Kirsten: I really should call my dad.
Sandy: Aw, come on. It's not like he won't be around to call tomorrow.
Kirsten: Yeah, that's true.

Ryan: Hey. So, um, Seth talked sense into me.
Marissa: Ouch, that's like my mom talking chastity into someone. -- Mmmmmph! Wow, that was sudden!
Ryan: Insulting Julie is a huge turn-on for me.

Seth: Call it.
Zach: Heads!
Seth: It landed on its side again?
Zach: The whole world, I'm telling you.

Ryan: You again? What do you want?
Jess: You've stopped being suspicious. Start again. Go talk to Trey.
Ryan: Why do you even care about this?
Jess: (shrug)

Julie: Here are your sleeping pills.
Caleb: There seem to be fewer in here than when I last saw them.
Julie: Yeah, I forgot to feed them. Anyway, want to come over tonight for a last date?
Caleb: I don't know why not. I'm sure there is a reason why not, I just don't know it.

Trey: Ry, I won't lie to you. Except when I tell you Marissa tried to seduce me.
Ryan: So that's gonna be a lie? Okay, got it.
Trey: Marissa tried to seduce me.
Ryan: She WHAT?

Ryan: Theresa! Wow. You really are an expert at showing up when the angst is greatest.
Theresa: Angst? What angst? That's over now that I live in Atlanta with no babies at all.
Ryan: I meant mine. But that's nice about the babies.

Summer: Zach! So you won the toss, huh?
Zach: ....Won. Yes.

Seth: Wow. George Lucas. I have so many questions....
George Lucas: Ask away!
Seth: Okay, I guess the biggest one is... why? Just why?
George Lucas: For the money.
Seth: Ah.

Theresa: ...So in conclusion, Marissa's the one you should trust, and you're a big stupid-head. Why did you need this talk twice in one episode?
Ryan: I never listen very hard when Seth says stuff. I guess that's a bit childish.
Theresa: I told you, there are no children! Well, here's my house. Nice seeing you, Ryan.
Ryan: Hmm... funny how she backed into the house and didn't let me see in. Not suspicious, though.

Julie: Hi! Glad you could make it. Have a margarita full of white stuff.
Caleb: Put it on ice for now. I like my white stuff after supper.
Julie: What are you, some kind of gastro-chronological racist?

Zach: This is a great prom. Isn't this a great pr--
Summer: Oh, Zach, let's stop pretending. You want to be with George Lucas, and I... I want....
Zach: Seth?
Summer: NEVER! (sigh) Yes.
Zach: It's okay. I'm back to being the guy who's fine with that.
Summer: Thanks. Now get going before Lucas backs out and makes more Star Wars instead. Do it for America.

Delivery Guy: Somebody ordered eggrolls with extra bacon?
Sandy: Right, let me get the cash from my wife's purse. (rummage, rummage) GASP!
Delivery Guy: Sorry, I can't take payment in secret bottles of alcohol or gasps. But the booze would make a nice tip....

George Lucas: So yeah, proms are really important. Next time I go back and remaster my teenage years, I'm definitely inserting a prom sequence.
Reed: Very nice. Now can we please, please get back on topic?
Seth: Hang on, Zach's signaling me. I'll be right back.
Reed: No! Don't leave me alone with --
George Lucas: You know, my dear, you would look fabulous in CGI.

Zach: We chose poorly. Let's switch.
Seth: Sure, works for me. But how will I get my tux in time?
Zach: You can borrow my jacket. Careful, though. It's meant for someone with broad shoulders and an ego no bigger than Neptune or so.
Seth: Perfect. I'll use the excess ego to stuff the shoulders.

Marissa: Sent Zach away, huh?
Summer: He didn't really want to be here. And neither do I. And neither do you. Let's make like a tree and find a root out of here!
Marissa: Well, let's see who the queen is first.
Announcer: And this year's prom queen is... Zach Stephens!
Summer: (sigh) I'll go accept it on his behalf.
Marissa: And with you distracted, I'll go outside and mope.

Caleb: I'll miss you.
Julie: (Arrgh... resolve... weakening....)
Caleb: Yep. I'll miss you bunches. And now to dr--
Julie: No! That one's -- um -- radioactive! Let me make you another one.
Caleb: (Heh heh. Silly Julie. As if a man like me would be careless enough not to develop immunities to all the standard poisons.)

Announcer: All right, so you'll be the prom queen. Who does that make the king?
Summer: (sigh) Princess Sparkle.
Seth: Wait! Stop! I'm the king! Summer, I'm sorry. Can you please forgive me?
Promgoers: Don't do it! Don't do it!
Summer: I'll do it!
Seth: Then hail to the king, baby. (kiss)
Promgoers: BOOO!
Seth: Aw, blow it out your cummerbunds.

Marissa: Mope.
Ryan: You're cute when you're shamelessly self-prom-moping.
Marissa: Ryan! You changed your mind! Like Zack on Saved By the Bell!
Ryan: Huh?
Marissa: (sigh) Mary Jane in Spider-Man 2.
Ryan: Yeah, that was cool. Let's dance.

Caleb: Ungh... heart....
Julie: Oh no! Cal! You're not supposed to drown on a full stomach!

Sandy: You had alcohol in your purse! That's classic Marissa!
Kirsten: Oh, stop it with the insults! That bottle is just for easing the stress of quitting drinking. I've used it maybe 20 times today!
Phone: (RING)
Sandy: Hello? ...It's for you, honey.
Kirsten: Thanks. Hello?
Caleb: (over the phone) GAK!
Kirsten: Oh no! NO!
Sandy: Yeah, I figured if one of us was going to hear him die, it should be you. Did you enjoy it as much as I would've?
Kirsten: (walks off with the bottle)
Sandy: Yes? No?


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This fiver was originally published on June 16, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Zeke.