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Five-Minute "The Distance"

by Zeke

Previously on The OC....
Theresa: I'm pregnant. With a baby. A baby person.
Ryan: Rats. I'd better move back to Chino.
Marissa: WAAAAA-- (glug glug) --AAAAAAA!
Seth: Nuts to this. I'm gonna sail someplace less depressing.
And now, the continuation....
Julie: You forgot to mention that I got married.
Nobody cares.

Construction: (loud noises)
Sandy: Hey honey, remember that rumour last year that our house was going to burn down? You know it didn't actually happen, right?
Kirsten: If I can't fix our family, I can fix this house!
Sandy: But it's not broken.
Kirsten: That just makes it easier to fix.

Summer: Your yard guy is so hot. Way hotter than Cohen.
Marissa: I thought you'd decided not to talk about Seth anymore now that you're "so over" him again.
Summer: Seth who? I meant Sandy.
Marissa: Whatever. I'm too drunk to care.
Summer: Shocking. Tell me you're sober sometime and it'll be news.

Theresa: Have fun at work today. Don't dwell on how your soul is dying piece by piece.
Ryan: Don't worry. If I start feeling down, I'll just remind myself I have decades of this to look forward to.

Julie: What a beautiful day! I feel like spending lots of money.
Caleb: Um... good idea, dear. Now I should finish with these papers.
Julie: The ones marked "Massive Secret Coverup"?
Caleb: Yes. What of it?

Luke: Hey Seth, your hot mom's on the phone.
Seth: Ask her if Ryan's back.
Luke: He wants to know if --
Kirsten: (over the phone) Ask him if he's an uncaring jerk!
Luke: Are you an uncaring jerk?
Seth: I think we both know the answer to that.
Luke: He says... geez, look at me being everybody's carrier pigeon. I used to be somebody on this show.
Seth: Heh heh. Sure you did.

Kirsten: Arrgh! I can't take this anymore, Sandy. Go get him. Use a crane if you have to.
Doorbell: DING DONG
Sandy: That'll be Jimmy.
Kirsten: I can't deal with this right now. Tell him I said I'm not home.

Sandy: I guess I'll have to go to Portland. I doubt Seth will listen, though.
Jimmy: Yeah, kids never listen to their parents... just each other. Hint hint.
Sandy: You think there's a kid Seth might listen to? Wait -- of course! Summer!
Jimmy: Uh... she's probably not up for it. There might be someone else, though. Hint hint.
Sandy: But he's already with Luke... oh, I get it! Holly!

Sandy: ...And on the fifteenth guess, I thought of you. Could you give it a shot?
Ryan: On one condition. You did at least think of me before Oliver, right?
Sandy: Here's a ticket in case you change your mind.

Ryan's Past Self: La dee da. What a nice day. Little do I suspect that one day I'll have a chance at a better life and have to give it up.
Ryan: Oh, get lost.
Theresa: Past self again, huh?
Ryan: Why did nobody tell me how silly I looked in that girlfriendbeater?

Caleb: Still no word from the DA's office about my case?
Sandy: Not a syllable. They're being quiet... almost too quiet.
Caleb: But not actually too quiet? Good, then I won't worry.

Bimbo 1: Me and Bimbo 2 are gonna go to the beach and be hot there. You boys in?
Seth: No thanks. I'll stay here drawing pictures of Summer.
Luke: On the one hand, I'm worried about you. On the other hand, double babeage for me! WOO!
Bimbo 1: (Poor Luke, thinking that just because his dad's gay he has to compensate.)
Bimbo 2: (That's not what he's compensating for.)

Luke's Dad: Seth, there's someone here to see you.
Seth: Who would... oh no, it must be Summer on a rage bender! Don't let her in!
Sandy: Hi, son.
Seth: Oh. Hi dad. Summer didn't hire you as an assassin, did she?
Sandy: Relax, she can't afford me.

Marissa: Hi, Mrs. Cohen. I'll be in the poolhouse brooding and possibly burning it down out of nostalgia.
Kirsten: I'm worried about her. She's really taking this hard.
Jimmy: Aw, she'll be okay. Remember when you were a teenager and everything was so dramatic? Now here you are, with both your sons gone, your house gutted, drinking constantly... I'm not actually sure where I'm going with this.
Kirsten: You can figure it out while I go get the fire extinguisher.

Sandy: Mmm, this is delicious. Would you pass me the butter, Seth?
Seth: Luke, pass my dad the butter.
Sandy: You can't just keep avoiding me.
Seth: Luke, pass my dad the I don't care what he thinks.
Sandy: Pass Seth the he's acting like a brat.
Seth: Pass my dad the --
Luke: Stop it! STOP IT! I don't know how to do these things!

Operator: You have a collect call from (total silence). Do you accept the charges?
Ryan: Yeah, sure.
Marissa: (total silence)
Ryan: Marissa? Is that you?
Marissa: (hangs up)
Ryan: I wish she'd stop doing that.

Sandy: So... gay, huh? How's that working out for you?
Luke's Dad: I have other personality trai--
Sandy: Oh good, here's Seth, now I can stop talking to you. Son, I've thought this through. I know I can't change your mind.
Seth: Sorry. I guess you're going, then?
Sandy: Yes, but you should be aware of the possibility that your mother will send me back with a gun.
Seth: Okay. The Summer scare reminded me I need to beef up security anyway.

Theresa: Who keeps calling you in the middle of the night? Is it that weird guy from L.A. again?
Ryan: Just very consistent wrong numbers. I'm gonna go to Portland now, if that's okay.
Theresa: Well, I do have a doctor's appointment, but...
Ryan: Oops. This isn't the one where you have the baby, is it?
Theresa: ...but since you don't pay attention anyway, it's no problem.

Julie: All right, young lady, that does it! You'd better shape up and act your age and why don't you talk to Mommy anymore, sweetie?
Marissa: You want to know what's on my mind? YEEEEEEAAAARRRRRRGH!
Julie: ...Unconvincing violence?

Sandy: Ryan! You came after all!
Ryan: Yeah, I decided to let it slide as long as you didn't give Oliver a plane ticket too.
Sandy: He's not allowed to leave the state. Heh, guess I dodged a bullet there, eh?
Ryan: Stop talking.

Summer: Hi, Captain Oats. Don't mind me, I'm just here to return Seth's stuff.
Captain Oats: (whinny)
Summer: Well, of course that was my first thought, but Mrs. Cohen only let me come up here on condition that I not burn the place down. She says that's been a problem lately.

Luke's Dad: Another guest for you, Seth.
Luke: How come I never get any visi-- hey! Ryan!
Seth: Hey man! How're you doing?
Ryan: Pretty good. Sort of. I try not to think about it. You?
Seth: Same old, same old.
Ryan: Cool.
Luke: And I'm fine too, thanks for asking! You can all go to HELL! (storms out)
Ryan: How's Luke?
Seth: A little sensitive.

Julie: ...and so I shipped Kaitlyn off to boarding school before she could kill again.
Jimmy: It's for the best. How about Marissa? Any luck getting her to communicate?
Julie: If I understood her correctly, she really hates pool furniture.
Jimmy: This family sure is messed up. Well, the rest of you, anyway.

Caleb: So you have news! Good news, right? Tell me the good news.
Sandy: The good news is, you still have about two days left as a free man.
Caleb: I hope there isn't bad news.
Sandy: The bad news is for me. I'm feeling a "get suckered into defending the bad guy" moment coming on.

Seth: I'm not gonna come back, Ryan. You know I hated it in Newport.
Ryan: Right. Newport. Where you were dating the girl of your dreams.
Seth: Okay, but it was you who turned my life around. What am I supposed to do with you so far away?
Ryan: Chino is half an hour's drive from Newport.
Seth: Really? Is Portland farther than that?
Ryan: (phone rings) You'll have to think up your own sarcastic comeback, I gotta take this.

Theresa: (over the phone) Ryan, I don't know how to say this, but... the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat.
Ryan: Oh no! You're dead?
Theresa: You don't understand. The baby... it's gone.
Ryan: But he can find it, right? How far could it have -- oh.
Theresa: You should probably go, Ryan. We both know you weren't happy.
Ryan: Come on, I'm not gonna abandon you at a time like this. I'll be home as soon as I can.
Theresa: That's nice. Your stuff's in a box on the lawn.

Theresa's Mom: I know that was hard, honey. But it's what's best... for the baby.
Theresa's Baby: DUN DUN DUN!
Theresa: Ow!
Theresa's Baby: Sorry.

Seth: I'm sorry, man. But look on the bright side...
Ryan: (glares)
Seth: ...Yeah, there isn't really a bright side. So what are you gonna do now?
Ryan: Well... guess I'll have to get my own place. You?
Seth: Well... I should probably start looking for --
Luke: Can you guys speed this up? We all know what you're going to do, and I'm tired of sharing the babes with Seth anyway.

Kirsten: YOU'RE BACK!
Seth: And this time it's personal.
Kirsten: (hug) I think I missed the dorky references most of all.
Ryan: Why is there gasoline all over the floor?
Kirsten: Sorry, I'll clean it up. Sandy, would you mind putting these matches away?
Sandy: I get the feeling it was smart not to stop for pizza on the way home.

Ryan: Man, we've got some explaining to do tomorrow. I hope the girls haven't gone too nuts.
Seth: Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. Let's not distract ourselves with faint hopes. Let us instead discuss my marvelous journey to Portland.
Ryan: Okay, let's hear it.
Seth: First I sailed to Catalina, right? And what did I see there but -- I kid you not -- a whole line of cats on surfboards! I think they had magic powers.
Ryan: You got ocean madness, didn't you?
Seth: I prefer the term "rapture of the deep." So then, during the space battle...
(Seth's story continues at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: The Proposal
Next fiver: The Showdown


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This fiver was originally published on May 5, 2007.

DISCLAIMER: Welcome to the fine print, bitch. This is how it's disclaimed here.

All material © 2007, Zeke.