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Five-Minute "The Proposal"

by Zeke

Marissa: (SOB)
Ryan: Um... honey? The movie hasn't started yet.
Marissa: It's just so... (SOB)
Ryan: This is a trailer. For a comedy. Seth, back me up here.
Seth: (SOB) Pardon?

Julie: All right, Luke, I'm here. What do you want?
Luke: Whoa! I knew you were coming incognito, but the false nose and moustache are a bit much.
Julie: Just get to the point.
Luke: Look, this is important! I have to talk to you! In the same restaurant Marissa's about to walk into!
Marissa: GASP!
Julie: Oh no! How did she recognize me? I'm gonna demand a refund on this thing.

Seth: Hey Ryan, I -- AAAA! Put your shirt on!
Ryan: If you'd knocked first I would have told you I was dressing.
Seth: Can I do that? Isn't there a rule about not knocking on glass houses?
Ryan: I think you've got your clichés crossed.
Seth: No, I'm sure it's bad luck. Like opening a ladder indoors or walking under a black cat.

Luke: It was an accident, I swear. I needed to tell Julie something.
Ryan: Let me guess. Something ending in "bitch," right?
Luke: No.
Ryan: Oh. I guess that's just what I would have said. Anyway, are you nuts? You can't keep seeing her.
Seth: It's not just the angst you're causing Marissa, it's the general "ew" factor.
Luke: I know. See, I'm... leaving town.
Ryan and Seth: GASP!
Ryan: Could you take Julie with you?

Sandy: Check it out, Kirsten! Jimmy and I have our own secret handshake.
Kirsten: A bit on the energetic side.
Jimmy: Sorry, I'll pay for the dishes.
Hailey: Hi! I heard something break and figured Jimmy must be here. Mind if I flaunt our secret relationship?
Kirsten: As long as you're careful I don't notice.

Summer: Wow, your room's a mess.
Marissa: Why do you have that "I have a diabolical plan" expression?
Summer: No reason. Say, would you mind staying out of your room for the next, oh, day or so?

Marissa: I can't believe Luke is still seeing my mom. Or whoever that was in the false moustache.
Ryan: He's sorry, you know. He wants to apologize.
Marissa: Tell him he can go apologize to his rear end for hitting it with the door on the way out.
Ryan: You're so romantic. Let's kiss.

Summer: See, with just a little work we can secretly turn Marissa's room into something out of the Martha Stewart catalog.
Seth: I like everything but the "we" part, in conjunction with the "work" part. Do I have to?
Summer: That depends on how much you like the "sex" part.

Liquor Board Guy: Good news! We're revoking your liquor license because the commissioner has some completely justified issues with Jimmy.
Sandy: Okay, just who the heck is that good news for?
Liquor Board Guy: Caleb, eventually.

Marissa: I'm so glad we're back together. Say, you're not just taking me back out of pity after the Luke/Julie thing, are you?
Ryan: Nah.
Marissa: Because you didn't seem too interested in getting back together before that.
Ryan: I was hiding it.
Marissa: You turned me down like six times. Including for sex.
Ryan: ...Hiding it really well?

Caleb: I'm going to propose to your mother. I'm not sure why I'm telling you that.
Ryan: Did you just say "your mother" to Marissa? Why are you so rude all the time?
Caleb: I was referring to Mrs. Cooper.
Ryan: I know. Making someone think of her is rude.

Luke: Well? Will Marissa let me apologize? Huh? Huh? Are we there yet?
Ryan: Nope. She's pretty miffed.
Luke: This is crazy! All I did was sleep with all her friends, and then her mother!
Ryan: Don't be rude, man.

Summer: Ooooh, old yearbook! Let's dredge up your painful memories!
Seth: Hey, how come you're not listed here?
Summer: You're looking under Summer. I was still Spring back then.

Sandy: Man, Jimmy really pissed this commissioner guy off. I've used all my contacts and nobody can change his mind.
Kirsten: Have you tried Batman? I hear he's a friend of the commissioner's.
Sandy: The Batphone is busy. This guy's so stubborn... you'd almost think he has another motive we know nothing about.
Kirsten: Almost.
Sandy: Yeah.

Ryan: Hey Seth, how are you --
Seth: Can't talk. Exchanging weird, sweeping hand gestures with Summer.
Ryan: Just as long as you guys pay for the dishes.

Hailey: This is a great party. Isn't this a great party?
Kirsten: You're chipper these days. In fact, usually when you're this cheerful you're in l--
Hailey: What's that? In Lebanon? You're funny, sis. Now let's talk about something completely unrelated. Like Jimmy.
Kirsten: This is the fourth time you've changed the subject to Jimmy in the last hour.
Hailey: Hey, speaking of Jimmy, isn't he great?

Caleb: Excuse me, can I have everyone's attention? I have a very special announcement to -- ahem.
Luke: What?
Caleb: Couldn't you have snuck in here a minute later? Now Marissa will be distracted. And if she's distracted then Ryan's distracted, and as Ryan goes, so goes the O. C.
Luke: Sorry. Should I come back?
Caleb: (sigh) No, the damage is done. Everyone just try to pay attention. You see, I'd like to --
Marissa: But Luke --
Caleb: Attention, dammit!
Marissa: But I've already heard --
Marissa: Fine. Say your thing.
Caleb: Thank you. Julie Cooper... will you marry me?
Everyone: GASP!
Sandy: Hey Caleb, you're paying for all those dishes people dropped in shock.

Julie: Cal... wow... this is so....
Luke: (Say no. Say no.)
Julie: I mean, it's not an easy decision....
Luke: (Say no. Say no.)
Julie: There's something I need to know first. How much is this ring worth?
Caleb: Upwards of $9000.
Julie: Sweet! I'm so marrying you.
Ryan: How did he whisper that?

Marissa: Hey! Where are you going?
Ryan: After Luke. He just drove off and he looked crazy with rage.
Marissa: How crazy? Howard Dean crazy?
Ryan: Jack Nicholson crazy.
Marissa: Okay, okay, we'd better follow him.

Sandy: You're taking this well.
Kirsten: Well, I was pretty upset, but then I realized how to solve the problem: alcohol.
Jimmy: That logic has always worked for me.
Sandy: I don't suppose you know how to solve our liquor license problem with alcohol?
Jimmy: I could if we had a liquor license.

Seth: I wonder if we missed anything important at the party.
Summer: Probably not. Hammer this nail into the wall.
Seth: What, anywhere?
Summer: Yep. Don't worry, I know this stuff. I'm a construction expert.
Seth: Most construction experts I've seen don't hold their saws by the blade.

Luke: I get it now, Ryan. I'm a jerk.
Ryan: (over the phone) So pull over! Don't you know the rule about jerk driving?
Luke: No, I have to go see Julie. That's why I'm driving there as quickly and drunkenly as possible.
Ryan: Oh, this'll end well.
Luke: How could it not?

Sandy: I can't believe I'm saying this, but... I need your help.
Caleb: Certainly. I may not like you very much, but you're important to Ryan, and Ryan's important to Marissa, and Marissa's important to Julie, and Julie's important to my evil schemes in some as-yet-unrevealed way.
Sandy: So you'll talk to the liquor commissioner?
Caleb: It's nothing I haven't done before. Mwahahahaha. I mean, yes.

Marissa: Oh no! Luke!
Ryan: Don't worry, honey. If he had any dishes in the truck, I'm sure his insurance company will pay for them.

Luke's Father: Luke is out of surgery now. And I'm finally in a scene that's not about my being gay.
Summer: Good, everything's okay. That means Seth and I can get back to what we were doing. Which is something not remotely suspicious.
Ryan: Just skip the hand gestures this time. Marissa, I'm going to wait here till Luke wakes up.
Marissa: Then I'm waiting too.
Ryan: Because you've finally changed your mind about him?
Marissa: Because I want to keep an eye on you two. I'm starting to think you like him more than me.

Jimmy: How's it going with the liquor commissioner? Did you try Batman?
Sandy: Look, it's time I told you the truth. The commissioner is one of the people you robbed. And Batman isn't real.
Jimmy: Noooo! What did I do to deserve this? Haven't I been punished enough for my crimes?
Sandy: I think it's worth noting that I'm also being punished for your crimes.
Jimmy: What does that have to do with me?

Kirsten: Poor Luke. I wonder what drove him to do that.
Julie: Do what? Something happened to Luke? Not that I'd care... of course... um... shoot, let me put this on.
Kirsten: Is that a false moustache?
Seth: Hi, Mom. Who's this you're talking to?

Caleb: No luck, men. I use the term loosely in Jimmy's case.
Jimmy: Hey!
Caleb: The commissioner won't budge. You'd almost think someone powerful such as myself told him not to.
Sandy: Well, you tried your best. I guess we may as well give up.
Caleb: Not quite. I have a proposal for you two....
Jimmy and Sandy: GASP!
Caleb: Not that kind of proposal.
Sandy: You're still paying for the dishes.

Luke: I'm sorry, Marissa. Can you ever forgive me?
Marissa: You're leaving, right?
Luke: Yeah.
Marissa: Then yes.
Luke: Really? Maybe I'll st--
Marissa: Don't even think about it.

Ryan: Good luck, man. Enjoy Portland.
Luke: Thanks. I'll miss you.
Ryan: I'll miss you t--
Marissa: All right, break it up.

Ryan: You look mad. Not Jack Nicholson mad, but still.
Marissa: This is all my mom's fault! I've got to find a way to strike back at her!
Ryan: You could attack her with elephant walkers.
Marissa: Or I could tell Caleb about her and Luke. Yes, that'll -- elephant walkers?
Ryan: That's how the Empire struck back.
Marissa: You need to spend less time with Seth.

Caleb: Well hello there. You're just in time.
Marissa: To tell you a secret that will destroy your engagement?
Caleb: To get blackmailed into moving in with me and Julie.
Marissa: No way! It can't be -- (checks watch) -- Oh. You're right.

Ryan: Don't worry. You'll find a way to beat Caleb, the most powerful man in Newport.
Marissa: Any thoughts on how?
Ryan: I'm not really an idea man.
Marissa: Well, let me know if --
Summer and Seth: Surprise!
Marissa: My... my room! It's so... so... (SOB)
Ryan: Oh, now you've done it.
(Marissa cries tears of joy at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 3, 2004.

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All material © 2004, Zeke.