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Five-Minute "The Heartbreak"

by Zeke

Kirsten's Bow: Twang!
Sandy: AAAAGH!
Kirsten: Uh oh. Maybe I shouldn't have used real arrows.
Sandy: This... is why... I hate... Valentine's Day....

Seth: Nice how Dr. Kim lifted your suspension, isn't it?
Ryan: Yeah. I'm glad she finally understood that it's okay to break into school files and your girlfriend's locker as long as your suspicions turn out to be right.
Seth: Indeed, you're a shining example of morality for us all. Hey, why's Dad on the floor in a pool of blood?
Ryan: First casualty of the St. Valentine's Day massacre, I'm guessing.

Marissa: Hey!
Ryan: Hey.
Marissa: Uh oh. I used an exclamation point and you only used a period. Is this a bad sign?
Ryan: Probably.

Seth: So... Valentine's Day.
Summer: Shut up.
Seth: You know, Anna's in Pittsburgh. Visiting a relative. Nick something. Because she dumped me.
Summer: And now you want a date? Ha! Go ask Holly or something.
Seth: No, see, I was thinking more of you.
Summer: What a coincidence! I was thinking of punching you in the face.
Seth: This went a lot better in rehearsal.

Sandy: Bad news, honey. I might not make it to the Valentine's Day gala. Well, bad news for you....
Kirsten: What? That's not fair!
Sandy: You should have thought of that before shooting me. They want to keep me at the hospital for observation.
Kirsten: Excuses as always!

Marissa: Sigh.
Jimmy: Are you just gonna mope about Ryan all day?
Marissa: It's not just moping. There's some sulking, and a little brooding here and there.
Jimmy: That won't solve anything. What you need is a big romantic gesture -- why not send him a dozen roses?
Marissa: Don't be silly. Girls don't send guys that kind of thing. Oh, by the way, someone sent you this box of chocolates.

Seth: Can I come in?
Summer: Only if you have a big romantic speech to win me over with.
Seth: I do! Here goes. Summer... you're really, really hot.
Summer: Aww, that's so sweet! Let's have sex.

Luke: Hi. Is, um, Marissa here? Because that's who I came to see. Marissa.
Julie: Come on, Luke, you're a smart boy. You can come up with a better excuse than that.
Luke: I'm the wallet inspector.
Julie: (sigh) Think harder and come back.

Seth: Okay, that went better in rehearsal too.
Summer: Rehe-- no. I don't wanna know.

Ryan: Hi, MaMMMPH!
Marissa: Hi! Don't you think it's time we had sex?
Ryan: Didn't we already have sex at the end of "The Perfect Couple"?
Marissa: I thought so too, but apparently not.
Ryan: Well, no. I'm not ready to forgive you yet. How could you trust the guy you didn't know had a gun over the guy you knew had broken into your locker?

Seth: Good morning, Ryan. I did it with Summer!
Ryan: Congratulations. How did it go?
Seth: Well, if I recall correctly....
Summer: I don't think that goes there.
Seth: What, that? No, I'm sure... maybe here?
Summer: Ow! Probably not. And shouldn't those be...
Seth: Where else could they... I mean...

Seth: ...it went pretty well.

Marissa: I don't know what to do about Ryan.
Summer: Do you know what to do about Seth? 'Cause that would be handy.
Marissa: No. Do you know what to do about anyone?
Summer: I have a vague idea what to do about Holly.
Marissa: Oh, that's useful.

Seth: Hey Dad. Can we talk?
Sandy: Sure.
Seth: Without Mom in the room?
Sandy: No problem. Look, Kirsten! Little Cupid statues made of bacon!
Kirsten: Where?

Doorbell: Ding dong
Kirsten: Oo, maybe that's the statues! Hello? Oh, it's just you.
Jimmy: Hey, I brought you some Valentine's Day cookies. Pretty inappropriate of me, eh?
Kirsten: I won't tell Sandy. Mmm, cookies.
Jimmy: They don't by any chance... oh, I don't know... remind you of anything?
Kirsten: Come to think of it, Hailey makes cookies kind of like these.
Jimmy: I never would have suspected.

Sandy: Wow. My son had sex. I honestly didn't think I'd ever say that.
Seth: Way to inspire confidence. So, um, do you have any advice?
Sandy: Why? Did it not go well?
Seth: To the best of my recollection....
Summer: No, not there, here! It's not a dial! And what are you --
Seth: I thought I was supposed to... I mean, doesn't this go....

Seth: ...it went okay.

Luke: Hey, do you know if Marissa's mom, I mean, Marissa's self is coming to the gala?
Ryan: No and no. You okay?
Luke: Sure. Unrelated topic: do you know any good excuses?

Theresa: Surprise!
Ryan: Theresa! What are you --
Marissa: (gasp) Ryan's with Theresa! WAAAAAA!
Theresa: Doesn't take much, does it?
Ryan: You have no idea.

Seth: Can we do it again?
Summer: Don't you remember how it went last time?
Seth: Yes, I seem to recall --
Summer: No! No more flashbacks! It's too embarrassing. Fine, let's do it again.
Seth: Great! It'll go way better this time....

Seth: Well, that could have gone way better.
Ryan: More attempted intimacy?
Seth: Ask my diverse new collection of bruises.
Ryan: Clearly you're not having very safe sex.

Marissa: Whine, whine, Ryan, angst, Theresa, whine. Am I boring you, Summer?
Summer: Only always. Ohh, my back is sore.
Marissa: More adventures with Seth?
Summer: Vulcan neuropressure should be left to the professionals.

Hailey: Jimmy! How did you find me?
Jimmy: Very attractive. Want to come to my new restaurant?
Hailey: Is there food?
Jimmy: Of course. All restaurants that are still under construction have food.

Sandy: This is a great party. Isn't this a great party?
Kirsten: Nice try. I'm still mad at you.
Sandy: Fine. Be that w-- Bacon cupids!
Kirsten: Where?
Sandy: Heheheheh. Still fun.

Marissa: Can we start over?
Ryan: When we started, you were dating Luke and I was in jail.
Marissa: Okay, can we go back to an angst-free point in our history?
Ryan: I think you and I have had maybe 35 angst-free seconds, total.
Marissa: Sigh. Those were the good old seconds.

Julie: Stupid Valentine's Day. I'm going home to mope in a completely non-Luke-related way.
Kirsten: Have non-Luke-related fun.

Seth: Okay, Summer, I give up. Clearly I'm not man enough for you.
Summer: You don't have to --
Seth: No, don't try and talk me out of it. I've learned my lesson: sex is a sword I am not yet strong enough to wield. A rocket I have not yet learned to pilot. A paintbrush I have not yet dipped into --
Summer: Okay, one metaphor would have covered it, thanks.

Hailey: And now it's back to us. Boy, lots of subplots this week.
Jimmy: I'm really flattered that you like me, Hailey, but you know we can't get together.
Hailey: Why not?
Jimmy: It's just... you're not a regular character. I can't be sure you'll be in enough episodes to make a relationship worthwhile.
Hailey: Oh. I thought you just meant because dating Kirsten's sister is a really dumb move for a guy with a thing for Kirsten.
Jimmy: Nah, that part doesn't bother me.

Theresa: You ever miss Chino?
Ryan: Yes, I miss how Mom was always throwing pots at me and A. J. was picking the pots up and throwing them at me again.
Theresa: Well, Chino misses you.
Ryan: Naturally. Who wouldn't?
Theresa: The ego I don't miss.

Marissa: Mope.
Sandy: Don't worry, Marissa. Ryan'll change his mind eventually. See, love is like a walrus that --
Marissa: (sniff) Thanks, Mr. Cohen. I feel better now.
Kirsten: That was very nice of you, dear.
Sandy: Yep. After all, it's not like I'm giving her false hopes.

Theresa: Happy Valentine's Day, Ryan. See you again real soon.
Ryan: Of course. After all, what would my life be without romantic complications?

Julie: So, thought of a better excuse?
Luke: How's this? I may have earned some sympathy with my heroic actions last week, and I want to destroy it by hooking up with the least sympathetic character on this or any other show.
Julie: Hmmm....
Luke: And you're really, really hot.
Julie: Good enough. Get in here and close the door tight so we won't hear the audience's cries of "Ewwww, gross."

Kirsten: Nice to be home and -- GASP!
Sandy: Like it?
Kirsten: It's wonderful! You've decorated our whole bedroom in Valentine's stuff! I've never seen so much bacon!
Sandy: Got another surprise for you, too.
Sandy's Bow: Twang!
Sandy: Oh, I'm sorry, did that hurt?

Summer: Hi, Captain Oats. Seth, I have to confess something. I... um... was a virgin too.
Seth: Really? Geez, so why'd you expect it to go well?
Summer: Well, you're a geek, right? I thought you might have had, you know, online practice or something.
Seth: Ewww! Who do you take me for, Holly?
Summer: What's with all the references to Holly today?
Seth: Who knows? Let's just dance romantically.
Summer: Okay, but no flashbacks.

Marissa: Just one romantic subplot to resolve, and the others went happily. Maybe I have a chance after all!
Ryan: Hi, Marissa.
Marissa: Do I have a --
Ryan: No.
Marissa: WAAAAAAA!
(Marissa runs off crying at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on April 9, 2004.

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All material © 2004, Zeke.