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Five-Minute "The Escape"

by Zeke

Seth: This is my best plan ever. We say we're going to the comic convention -- and then we go to Tijuana!
Ryan: Is that where the convention is?
Seth: No no, my man -- that's where the action is!
Ryan: Action Comics? That's the one with Superman, right?
Seth: Normally I'd be proud of how well your training is coming along, but this isn't the time. Tijuana is about partying! It's about underage drinking and minimally-clad girls and lying to your parents to get there!
Ryan: Yeesh, and they say I'm the bad influence.

Sandy: Hey, kids. What's this about influences?
Seth: We were just discussing how no one is going to be under any. Especially while driving. To places other than Mexico. Nice suit.
Sandy: Thanks. I want to look my best when I'm turning down this evil job offer.
Seth: Oh, Wolfram & Kirk & Hart & McGee is after you again?
Kirsten: Poor fools. They'll never get you, but they just keep trying. You're the Road Runner to their Wile E. Coyote.
Sandy: That's why they call me Sandy.

Seth: I get why you're reluctant. You're upset about Marissa.
Ryan: Don't be ridiculous. Now leave me alone, I have a lot of staring at the Coopers' house and punching things to do.
Seth: Just remember, any time you need to talk about it... I'm here to change the subject to Summer.
Ryan: I appreciate that.

Marissa: Sigh. Ryan. I totally don't miss him. Sigh.
Summer: Then enough about him. I can't believe you and Luke did it! That's so awesome! Throwing away your virginity because you were ticked at another guy was your best idea ever!
Marissa: Yeah, I am rather proud of it.
Summer: So details, details! Give me the play-by-play! Or should I say the foreplay-by-foreplay? Give me the sixteenplay!
Marissa: You're awfully interested for someone who already knows how it goes. Didn't you say you're not a virgin?
Summer: Of course! I so wouldn't lie about that.

Jimmy: What? You promised the apartment would be ready in five days barring acts of God! How can you -- He did? Personally? And He specifically said that "thou shalt not" give me the lease? Great. Just forget it. (hangs up)
Marissa: Hi, Dad. How are you doing?
Jimmy: Oh, divinely. You girls ready for your trip to Tijuana?
Summer: Totally with a capital totally!
Jimmy: Good. I'd just better not hear about you sneaking off to a comic convention or something.

Kirsten: So it's official, then?
Jimmy: Julie even got me a divorce present.
Kirsten: I'm so sorry, Jimmy. Is there anything I can do?
Jimmy: You could break the news to Marissa because I haven't got the guts.
Kirsten: Or I could kill Julie.
Jimmy: (sigh) You're right. I can't chicken out -- I have to tell her myself. At the last possible minute.
Kirsten: Seriously, I could kill Julie.

Marissa: I don't know about Tijuana. There's my dad and --
Luke: Is this going to lead to sex? In, like, the next thirty seconds?
Marissa: Probably not.
Luke: Oops, I've just remembered a prior engagement.

Seth: I don't get it. Here we are in the same restaurant and Summer's not talking to me.
Ryan: You'd almost think she didn't want to be seen with a huge nerd.
Seth: Oh yeah? If that's it, how come you don't mind being seen with me?
Ryan: It shows I'm compassionate, and that makes me a babe magnet. Observe. Hi, Marissa.
Marissa: Humph.
Ryan: Humph yourself.
Marissa: Fine then.
Ryan: Fine.
Marissa: Snark.
Ryan: Retort.
Seth: Well, I've learned my lesson.

Rachel: Welcome! Can I offer you an apple?
Sandy: Tempting, but no. Let's hear about this job offer.
Rachel: Certainly. Right thissssss way.

Marissa: Sigh... I just can't go. I'm worried about Dad.
Summer: Come on! I promise when you come back he'll be right where you left him!
Marissa: Sorry.
Summer: How am I supposed to get there now? By catapult?
Marissa: Hey, with an imagination like that, you'll go far. Just not as far as Tijuana.

Holly: Marissa's not coming, eh? Oo, we should totally hook up in TJ.
Luke: Wouldn't that make us TJ hookers? Anyway, no. I'm with Marissa.
Holly: Pfft, like you've never cheated be--
Luke: No, I mean I'm literally with Marissa here in the restaurant. We're lucky she doesn't hear very well.
Holly: Just remember this, hot stuff....
Luke: Don't tell me: "What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico"?
Holly: I was thinking "You can't spell 'Holly' without 'Ho'."

Seth: Hey, baby. Want a ride?
Summer: Sigh... I guess I have no choice.
Seth: 'Cause I could ride you like a -- oh. You thought I meant -- no, sure, that's cool, I'll drive you.
Ryan: (Quit while you're ahead quit while you're ahead....)
Seth: Drive you wild with passion! OH yeah!
Ryan: I'm calling the ambulance now.

Sandy: You sure you're okay to drive, son? You look a little injured.
Seth: No broken limbs can stand between me and Tijuana! By which I mean could. If Tijuana were on the way to the convention. Which it isn't. Nice suit.
Sandy: Well, have fun, you crazy kids, you. Hey, wait a second! Who's the babe?
Seth: Summer. You know, THE Summer.
Ryan: The Summer of love, he's hoping.
Sandy: You never told us this would be an unchaperoned trip with hot teenage girls! You need supervision. I'm coming with you.
Seth: Get in the house, Dad.

Summer: Come on!
Marissa: No!
Summer: Come on!
Marissa: No!
Jimmy: Marissa, don't be so contradictory and present. Go have fun in Tijuana.
Marissa: But I thought we could --
Jimmy: Well we can't. I have to psyche myself up to tell you something, and I can hardly tell you if you're here, now can I?

Seth: Marissa! Glad you could make it.
Marissa: Wait a minute. If you're driving, then --
Ryan: Hi.
Marissa: That's it, I'm riding in the trunk.
Summer: Come on, Marissa! This is the perfect opportunity for you two to work out your issues.
Ryan: I'm on board with the trunk plan, actually.
Summer: Sit down! Sit! I've run enough dollhouses to know how to keep this car in line. We'll all be one big happy family.
Seth: Does that make me your --
Summer: Lame brother-in-law who had nothing better to do this weekend.

Seth: Annnnd they're off! Tijuana, here we come!
Ryan: Right back where we started from.
Seth, Marissa, and Summer: ...
Ryan: One of us had to say it.

Jimmy: Look, I appreciate your helping me paint the apartment, but stop nagging me to call Marissa.
Kirsten: I'm not.
Jimmy: Yes you are. You keep going, "Call her, Jimmy."
Kirsten: I'm trying to tell you you're dripping paint on your collar!
Jimmy: ...Oh. And here I thought I wasn't a white-collar worker anymore.

Summer: You're going too slow! Faster! Faster! Pump it!
Seth: I like this erotic radio station. Oh wait, it's just Summer not shutting up.
Summer: That does it! I'm taking the wheel!
Seth: Oh no you're not!
Summer: Oh yes I --
Seth: Nice going, Ryan.
Ryan: What? You and Summer were the ones fighting.
Seth: Only to drown out that constant seething sound from you and Marissa.

Summer: Ew. Ew. Ew.
Seth: And if she sticks with Hooked on Phonics, someday she'll learn the other vowel sounds.
Marissa: Oh, shut up! She's right. This motel room is Ew-worthy if anything is.
Ryan: And there's only two beds. That could be awkward.
Seth: (nod) We'll have to be mature and sensiti-- I call Summer, you get Marissa!
Ryan: Deal!
Seth and Ryan: WOO!
Marissa: We sure made a brilliant choice of travelling companions, eh, Sum?

Kirsten: Rachel or Eve or someone dropped off this surfboard for you.
Sandy: Yeah, that firm really wants me. You wouldn't believe the salary they offered... those guys are rich.
Kirsten: I guessed that from the fact that the surfboard is made of solid silver and responds to mental commands.

Summer: Why are you watching static?
Seth: Well, I was watching this cursed video, but after the well scene it went on the fritz. You're looking babe-ular, by the way.
Summer: Give it up -- I'm not going to have sex with you. Now move over so we can sleep together.

Ryan: Angst.
Marissa: Ang--
Marissa's Phone: (ring)
Marissa: I should take this, it might be my dad. Hello?
Marissa: Huh?
Samara: A girl's voice? Hmm, maybe I have the wrong number. Is this Seth Cohen?
Marissa: No.
Samara: Ah. Sorry to bother you, then. (click)

Marissa: Where were we? Angst, right?
Marissa's Phone: (ring)
Marissa: Arrgh. Hello?
Jimmy: Hi, honey! Am I interrupting anything?
Marissa: Just angst.
Jimmy: Oh good, you won't notice the difference. I have some, er, news....
Marissa: Just a sec. Summer! Come here, my dad says he has Summer news.
Jimmy: This is turning out even less pleasant than I thought.

Marissa: You're getting a divorce? WHY?
Jimmy: Honey, have you met your mother?
Marissa: I can't believe this! This is... I... WAAAAAA!
Jimmy: Uh oh. Tough decision time. Are my daughter's tears worth 15 cents a minute?

Marissa: Sob....
Ryan: What's wrong, Marissa? I wouldn't know because I wasn't listening in on your conversation. I guess what I'm trying to say is, divorce is hard on all of us.
Marissa: Thanks... (sniff)
Ryan: Kleenex? I'm trying to maximize my boyfriendly comfort factor here.
Summer: Will you two keep it down? Bad enough I'm sleeping next to the Snoreinator here.
Seth: I'm not even asleep!
Summer: I know a snorer when I see one. I have Snordar.

Ryan: (wakes up holding Marissa) Whoa! I take it back. This is the best divorce ever.

Seth: Mmm. These eggs are the exact opposite of delicious. Or, let's say, the exact opposite of how your lips tasted when you kissed me.
Summer: I did not.
Seth: Yes you did!
Summer: Well, I didn't sign a contract! In case you aren't up on the rules, girls get to lead guys on in absolutely any way they want without consequences. This is a special case of the "Girls Inflicting Any Pain on Guys Up To and Including Smashing Their Genitals With Steamrollers Is A-Okay" principle.
Seth: You can't deny the chemistry between us.
Summer: No, but I can hurt you until you stop talking about it. Juice?

Ryan: Marissa got some bad news, guys. I don't know if she's up to partying.
Seth: In other words, you want to stay here and "comfort" her.
Ryan: You know you'd do the same if Summer were the one with bad news.
Summer: What a coincidence! I do have bad news: get in the car before I kill you both.

Rachel: You're tempted. Don't deny it.
Sandy: Oh yeah? How can you tell?
Rachel: The look on your face, the tone in your voice, the dollar signs in your pupils....
Sandy: Well, you're money. I don't money your moneying money. Goodmoney.

Marissa: I guess I'll see if I can find Luke. After everything that's gone wrong this weekend, I'm sure seeing him will help a lot.
Marissa: What was that for?
Ryan: I'm trying to make your line dramatic foreshadowing.

Kirsten: So where's that divorce present from Julie, anyway?
Jimmy: Over there on the table. It's a magazine that recommends suicide methods for rich people who get caught in their corruption.
Kirsten: ..."Martha Stewart Dying"? Oh, Jimmy, I'm so sorry Julie treats you this way. I wish there were something I could do...
Jimmy: Kirsten....
Kirsten: Some way I could help....
Jimmy: I....
Kirsten: AAAA! Some way other than that!
Jimmy: Well geez, you started the trailing dialogue thing.

Holly: This is a great party. Isn't this a great party? Come on, dance with me!
Luke: Arrrrgh... I'm so tempted, but... Marissa....
Holly: Stop beating up on yourself! You've been a good boyfriend for a whole episode now! Don't you deserve a break?
Luke: Oh, all right. I guess it's not really cheating if she isn't here.

Marissa: Luke should be in this club.
Seth: Yeah, it's not like there's more than one in Tijuana.
Ryan: (sniff) This way. I smell testosterone.

Marissa: Hi, Luke! I -- GASP!
Luke: Murrussuh? Whus wrung?
Marissa: Take Holly's lips out of your mouth before you talk!
Luke: Oh. Right. Um, it's not what it looks like.
Holly: Which is good because it looks like he's cheating on you for the 4077th time.
Marissa: WHAT?
Luke: I knew I shouldn't have told you the exact count....

Marissa: Never speak to me again! Either of you! EVER! WAAAAA! (runs off)
Summer: Ditto! To everything except the sob, and you have to admit, this time she's completely justified.
Holly: Will you be quiet? This is my favourite song.
Summer: "Dirrty"?
Holly: I'm a ho-bag. What were you expecting, Dave Matthews Band?

Luke: Marissa! Come back! I can pretend to change! I can -- OW!
Ryan: Take that, you son of a "Welcome to the O. C., bitch"! Cheating on her 4077 times... I oughta M*A*S*H you!
Luke: How is this your business?
Ryan: Anything that leads to punching you is my business.

Summer: Whew! I was afraid you'd run off and gone on some kind of bender. Hmm, I probably shouldn't give you ideas.
Marissa: (sniff)
Summer: Aw, Coop, it'll be okay. We'll take you home to your parents and --
Marissa: (sniff)
Summer: Oh, right. Well, when Ryan gets back we'll --
Marissa: (sniff)
Summer: Right. But there's always Luke --
Marissa: (sniff)
Summer: Oh yeah. Boy, you are screwed, aren't you?

Seth: You found her? Great!
Summer: (over the phone) Yeah... um, except for the part where I left the room for like two seconds and she ran off with my grandma's pills.
Seth: Oh, nice supervising. Very nice. Ryan, any idea how to find her?
Ryan: Well, the dramatic foreshadowing noise actually worked last time.
Seth: Hmm.... "If we don't find her soon, it'll be too late!"
Summer: You two are the biggest dorks in Dorxico.

Marissa: GLUG GLUG... (sob)
Bartender 1: Awww, don't cry. I'll get you some more shots to go with those painkillers.
Bartender 2: Do they pay you to be this stupid? They don't pay me to be that stupid.

Kirsten: You took the job, didn't you?
Sandy: How did you know?
Kirsten: You didn't leave the house this morning with a suit of biomechanical armour. I don't know... are you sure this is the right thing to do?
Sandy: I'm sure it's not. That's almost as good, right?

Ryan: Marissa! Marissa!
Summer: Is she... is she...
Ryan: No, as happy as that would make certain people who shall remain nameless. You disgust me. Yeah, you!
Summer: Ryan?
Ryan: But she's almost dead! She may not make it! Are you happy now, you sick bastards?
Summer: Is he okay, Seth?
Seth: He's just apostropheing. Don't worry, I'll get him out of it. (ahem)..."We've found Marissa -- but were we in time?"
Ryan: DUN DUN DUN! ...Oh. Thanks, man.
Seth: Don't mention it.


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This fiver was originally published on August 13, 2004.

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All material © 2004, Zeke.