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Five-Minute "Timescape"

by Marc Richard

Worf: A Romulan ship is claiming to be in distress.
Riker: Let's go help it.
Worf: Why?
Riker: Because it can't be more dangerous than trying to feed Data's cat.

La Forge: Was Professor Vassbinder's lecture interesting?
Picard: No, tedious. He kept rattling off endless lists of synonyms and definitions.
Troi: It's a good thing you're used to that by now.
Data: "Used to?" Ah! As in "accustomed...inured...desensitized...mmm-mmm-mphh!"
Picard: Thank you, Mr. La Forge.
La Forge: No handyman should ever be without duct tape.

Troi: (finishing a joke) "...but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to go!"
(Picard, Data and La Forge remain completely motionless)
Troi: Uh, guys...do I need to explain the punchline or what?

La Forge: This tricorder says you're not aging as fast as you should be.
Troi: When I go to Mr. Mot's beauty parlour, I expect to get my money's worth!

Data: We have used up forty-seven days' worth of fuel in ten seconds.
Troi: Is it normal for runabouts to guzzle that much gas?
La Forge: No. There must be a temporal anomaly affecting us.
Picard: Oh, good Lord, I hope I don't get turned into a kid again....

Picard: AARRRRGGHH! My hand!
Troi: I can recommend a good manicurist for that, sir.

Picard: There's the Enterprise! It looks frozen in time.
La Forge: Just like the Warbird it's connected to by that strange energy beam.
Data: And the disruptor bolts being fired at it by the Romulan ship.
Troi: All right, you've convinced me: this is a weird situation.

Picard: How can we stay unfrozen if we beam over there?
Troi: What about putting on some really warm sweaters?
La Forge: A subspace forcefield might work better.

Picard: Ha-ha-ha! Look: Mr. Warp Core Breach!
Data: Perhaps I should try that with a tricorder someday.

Picard: We must send an engineering expert to the Romulan ship.
La Forge: On my way, sir.
Picard: I was referring to Counselor Troi.

La Forge: There's something alive inside this engine core.
Troi: Yes, the Romulans use gerbils on treadmills as a power source.
La Forge: Clever but dangerous.
Data: Agreed. Starfleet's hamster-based design is much more reliable.

Enterprise: KABOOM!
Picard: Hmm. Not nearly as spectacular as the last time she blew up.
(The Enterprise reassembles itself)
Picard: Okay, I take back that remark.

.taht ees nac I:egroF aL
!sdrawkcab gninnur si emiT:iorT

Data: This alien is from another temporal continuum.
Picard: How can you tell?
Data: From the funny way he gurgles when he talks.

Picard: Let's try to rewind events to a point prior to the core breach.
Troi: Rewind?
Data: A metaphor referring to an ancient device called a VCR.
Troi: Fine, but what does this gadget have to do with us?

....niaga og ew ereH:ataD

Troi: You were firing at Dr. Crusher!
Romulan: Yes, but it was nothing personal.

Picard: We must ram the runabout into the transfer beam!
Riker: Will that solve any of our problems?
Picard: All of them.

Data: My perception of time is binary and invariable.
Riker: In what sense?
Data: To me, it always seems time for Spot to either eat or sleep or eat or sleep or....
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Marc Richard.