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Five-Minute "Second Chances"

by Scott Zarchy

Data: Due to the Law of Excessive Drama, our time is limited and I can only allot 0.47 seconds to speak to you.
Riker: But I --
Data: Your time has run out, Commander.
Riker: Shucks.

Lieutenant Riker: Honey, I'm home -- aaaaaaaah!
Data: Fascinating. It appears to be a copy of Commander Riker.
Riker: Who are you?
Lt. Riker: (mockingly) I know you are, but what am I?
Data: An exceedingly accurate copy.
Both Rikers: Hey!

Crusher: Captain, I can assure you - this IS Will Riker.
Picard: They've even grown the same beard. I can't tell them apart.
Lt. Riker: That's easily fixed. One stroke of the razor and I'll once again be as smooth as an android's bottom.
Picard: Okay, that was one image I did NOT need replayed in my mind.

Troi: Hello, Will.
Lt. Riker: Imzadi! I spent the last eight years thinking about you just to stay sane.
Troi: You'd think after eight years you would come up with a better pick-up line than that....
Lt. Riker: Hey! It took eight years just to perfect the subtleties and nuances of that one!
Troi: You mean the delicate act of grabbing me off the floor and kissing me by force?
Lt. Riker: Yep.

Data: Lieutenant Riker should have been here approximately three minutes ago.
Lt. Riker: Sorry I'm late, I'm still getting used to the time zone difference.
Data: You realize, Lieutenant, that all Federation outposts have synchronized chronometers and that the time on the planet is the same as that on the Enterprise.
Lt. Riker: Okay, okay! I'm guilty. I hit the snooze button.

Lt. Riker: I think my way is the best way to get the data.
Riker: No, my plan is smarter.
Worf: Excuse me, but shouldn't we be asking Geordi to get down here and figure this out?
Both Rikers: No.

Riker: I am your commanding officer, and you take orders from ME!
Lt. Riker: But technically, I am you, so I can obey my own orders.
Riker: Ow...my head hurts....

Troi: Why, it's a little paper note from Will...it's a scavenger hunt!
Troi's Inner Voice: You know, I always warned you that you brought out his childish side. What'll he do next, play hide-and-go-seek?
Troi: Spoilsport.

Troi: Ooh, Will left me another note on the warp core.
La Forge: Aaaaaagh! He taped it on! I spent hours polishing that!

Troi: Sometimes, I just looked up at the sky and tried to make you feel my presence.
Lt. Riker: Aha, so those creepy voices in my head were really you!
Troi: No.

Lt. Riker: What is that, karate?
Troi: Nope, it's Klingon calisthenics. Worf teaches a class.
Lt. Riker: Impressive, but can you touch your nose with your tongue? I can.
Troi's Inner Voice: Worried yet?

Riker: If you want to be with him, you don't need to ask me. I can see it in your eyes.
Troi: Hey! I didn't even say anything! I'm the empath here!
Riker: Yes, but I've picked up your knack for stating the bluntly obvious.

Riker: Okay, Data and Worf stay here, so Willy and I can have a fuzzy, cuddly Kodak moment!
Data: Sir, the mission parameters state that the pair going down to the computer core must have a working knowledge of computer analysis and --
(Data falls to the floor)
Lt. Riker: An off switch...who knew?

Lt. Riker: Let me fall! One of us has to get out of here alive!
Riker: Climb! I'm as good as dead if I have to tell Deanna that I dropped you!
Lt. Riker: You mean I can stop trying to pull you in after me?

Lt. Riker: I've managed to get a posting on the Gandhi.
Troi: Good for you, Will.
Lt. Riker: Actually, I've been thinking about going by the name Porthos.
Troi: Try Thomas instead. I hear Tuesday is Chili Night on the Gandhi.

Riker: Here, I'd like you to have my trombone.
Lt. Riker: Great! I haven't played one of these for years! Well, I'm out of here. Take care of her, Will.
Troi: Aww, I want you to play me "Nightbird!"
Lt. Riker: I take that back. Cause her great, great pain.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Scott Zarchy.