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Five-Minute "Rightful Heir"

by Marc Richard

Riker: Why isn't Mr. Worf on duty yet?
Data: Unknown. Perhaps he has become addicted to the Holodeck and is running some of Mr. Barclay's old programs.
Riker: Worf pretending to be Cyrano de Bergerac? This I've got to see.

Worf: A-koo-chee-moya....
Riker: Worf, why are you chanting in the middle of all these candles?
Worf: I am attempting to call up a vision of Kahless.
Riker: You should be on the Bridge at your post, mister.
Worf: But I am making progress, sir. At first, I could only get a busy signal. Now, I believe that I have been put on hold.

Picard: Perhaps you should go on a spiritual retreat, Mr. Worf.
Worf: A true Klingon warrior does not retreat!
Picard: I meant to a Klingon monastery where you could subject yourself to deprivation, blood, pain, sacrifice, anguish and death.
Worf: I see. Yes, that would do me a lot of good.

Koroth: Recite "The Story of the Promise" -- the one which explains why we hold vigil here on Boreth.
Worf: Very well. Ahem. "When Kahless was about to depart for Sto-Vo-Kor, he pointed to a star and said to his people, 'Look for me there.' And the people dried their tears and asked, 'In the Kamino system, Master?' And Kahless answered, 'No, a little further to the left.' And there was much rejoicing."
Koroth: Sigh. As I suspected, you need a serious refresher course in Klingon theology.

Kahless: I have returned!
Worf: Kahless! It is you!
Kahless: Who were you expecting -- General MacArthur?

Koroth: After fifteen centuries of prayer, our purpose here has been accomplished! Kahless has returned!
Kahless: Some of you doubt me.
Torin: With good reason. If you are really Kahless, we high clerics are now out of a job!

Kahless: Do you remember, Worf, how I once appeared to you and said you would do something no Klingon had done before?
Worf: Yes -- and you were right. I was the first Klingon to join Starfleet.
Kahless: Is that all?
Worf: I, uh, was also the first Klingon ever to play poker with an android.
Kahless: Bah! Find my long-lost sword and then we can talk about my being impressed.

Picard: Starfleet has ordered us to transport Kahless to the Klingon homeworld.
Riker: I find it hard to believe that our passenger is a genuine supernatural being.
Picard: He is an honoured guest and we will treat him as respectfully as we would treat Abraham Lincoln.
Riker: No doubt to be followed by Louis of France and Robert the Bruce.
Picard: Only if we go in alphabetical order.

Gowron: Picard, I have come to expose the impostor who threatens my Chancellorship!
Worf: Gowron has brought the Knife of Kirom, a relic stained with the blood of Kahless, so that Dr. Crusher can run a genetic comparison.
Picard: Very well. I'll ask Kahless to donate a sample of his blood.
Gowron: If he refuses, I will gladly extract it from him. How many gallons does your doctor require?

Crusher: Computer, compare my scans of the two blood samples.
Computer: The samples are an exact match.
Gowron: It cannot be! I refuse to believe that he is the real Kahless!
Crusher: It's the only possible conclusion because we know that the blood on the knife came from Kahless.
Computer: Or vice-versa.
Koroth: Silence! Nonsentient computers are not supposed to volunteer opinions!

Gowron: I challenge you to a duel, impostor!
Kahless: I am ready for you! Attack me if you dare!
Kahless: Oooompf!
Gowron: Ha! Victory is mine!
Kahless: How can this be? I am the strongest and bravest Klingon warrior of all time!
Gowron: But certainly not the tallest.

Kahless: Where did I come from?
Koroth: We cloned you from the blood on the Knife of Kirom and programmed you with all the ancient teachings.
Worf: Then he is not the real Kahless! He is nothing but a fake!
Torin: We prefer to think of him as a reasonable facsimile.

Koroth: Our society has become decadent. Our politicians are corrupt. Only the recreated Kahless can restore our people's honour!
Gowron: I will not let myself be ousted so that a swaggering, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood can lead the Empire!
Torin: Do you think anyone would notice the difference?

Worf: I have a solution. Let Gowron remain the Chancellor and keep all his political power. Let Kahless be proclaimed Emperor and become the spiritual leader of our people.
Kahless: But I would merely be a symbolic figurehead!
Gowron: It sounds like a nice job to me.
Kahless: Then explain why nobody has wanted it for the past three hundred years.
Gowron: It is said that the last Emperor quit because of inadequate retirement benefits.
Kahless: Could the pension plan be indexed to cover three centuries of inflation?
Gowron: You drive a hard bargain, Your Majesty.

Kahless: Since your crisis of faith is unresolved, what will you do now?
Worf: Dr. Selar has suggested that I visit the rebuilt monastery on P'Jem and try to invoke a vision of Surak.
Kahless: Who?
Worf: The father of Vulcan civilization.
Kahless: If you happen to run into his clone, tell him I hope we can meet someday. I am sure we would get along like brothers.
Worf: Legend says that you once fought your brother Morath for twelve days and twelve nights over a trivial dispute.
Kahless: There is nothing trivial about calling a man's ship a garbage scow!
(The Enterprise sails away at Imperious Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 10, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Marc Richard.