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Five-Minute "Suspicions"

by Derek Dean

Guinan: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Crusher: Then don't do that! Zing!
Guinan: I think I may have tennis elbow.
Crusher: Well, I'd love to help you, but unfortunately, in tennis love means nothing! Zing!
Guinan: Are you drunk?
Crusher: Quite a bit, actually. I drank myself silly after getting fired.

Guinan: Fired? That sounds like juicy gossip. Do tell.
Crusher: Well, it all started a while back...
Crusher: Wish-fulfillment? Seems unlikely.
Riker: Here, I'll show you. (ahem) I wish this show had an annoying young prodigy.

Crusher: No, no. That's too far back. And an unpleasant memory anyway. Sooner than that.
Guinan: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Crusher: Then don't do that! Zing!

Crusher: This is going to be a long episode.

Crusher: I remember when I first met the crazy wide-eyed Ferengi scientist Dr. Reyga.
Reyga: Marty! You've got to come back to the future with me!
Crusher: Uh, no, more like --
Reyga: I'm going to fly a ship directly into the sun!
Crusher: Won't your ship burn up?
Reyga: Nah, I'll go at night.

Crusher: However, in a desperate grab for screentime, I decided to hold a conference on Dr. Reyga's ideas anyway. The first thing I made the attendees do was introduce themselves.
Kurak: I'm a Klingon engineer or scientist or something. Just think of me as Torres's Klingon half.
T'Pan: I'm the head of the Vulcan Science Academy and I'm only here to tell all of you that the Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that anything you plan to do is impossible.
Christopher: And I'm here to reverse the stereotype of Vulcan male/Human female.
Crusher: What about Trip and T'Pol?
Christopher: (muttering) I just knew someone would bring that up.
Jo'Bril: And I'm Jo'Bril and I'm an alcoholic.

Reyga: My metaphasic shield will work! I just need your help developing the shield.
T'Pan: The Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that metaphasics is impossible.
Reyga: But I built a prototype!
T'Pan: The Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that prototypes are impossible.
Kurak: Wait, if you already have a working prototype, why do you need our help developing it?

Crusher: In the end, Jo'Bril volunteered to test the prototype. And by "volunteered," I mean, "got pushed into the shuttle and launched into space before he knew what was happening."
Jo'Bril: Please let me out of here! I'm going to DIE!
Reyga: He's talking, so he must still be okay.
Jo'Bril: GAK!
Reyga: What, he's dead? Why didn't he try to warn us?

Picard: Have you found out anything about Jo'Bril's death?
Crusher: No, nothing's making sense. According to my scans, he's breathing normally, his heart's beating, and he seems to be snoring, none of which I'd expect with a dead man. Also, he reeks of alcohol.
Picard: Well, keep digging, you'll figure it out.

Reyga: Gah! What caused my shuttle to fail?
Data: I am unable to determine that, Dr. Reyga. The cracked warp core, the extra guillotine, the exploding cigar -- all seem to be in perfect working order.
Crusher: It was awful seeing Dr. Reyga so upset, so I decided to take him to the holodeck. One push into the water later, and --
Crusher: No shield tests for the disgusting little troll!
Reyga: But my shield worked! Everyone saw it on the bridge.
T'Pan: That was my robot duplicate.
Christopher: I was eating pecan pie.
Kurak: I was throwing things at Worf.
Reyga: I hate you all.

Crusher: In spite of Reyga's venom, he really was a stupidly optimistic man. I'm sure it was a great shock to him when he died.
Worf: Death by taser. Shocking.
Crusher: I just made that joke, copycat.
Worf: Only in your future narration, which makes you the copycat.
Reyga's Ghost: I hate you all. And now I'm going to haunt you too.

Crusher: Captain, I need to do an autopsy to find out who killed Dr. Reyga.
Picard: So you don't think it was suicide?
Crusher: Let's just say he -- er, his death has been haunting me.
Picard: Unfortunately, you can't do an autopsy. His family wants to bury him in one piece.
Crusher: One piece? I thought Ferengi chopped up their dead and sold them in little containers!
Picard: They plan to do that after they bury him. They said it was "paydirt."

Crusher: Do you know anything about Reyga's death?
Christopher: Only that Kurak and Reyga were arguing earlier and got into a fight that ended with Kurak biting Reyga.
Crusher: But how does Reyga being a Were-Klingon explain his death?
Christopher: I didn't say it did.
Crusher: I'm beginning to understand Reyga's feelings toward you.

Crusher: Kurak, did you kill Dr. Reyga?
Kurak: Are you serious? I don't even know how Dr. Ray Gun was killed.
Crusher: Interesting slip, seeing as he was killed with a ray gun.
Kurak: I am shocked at your accusation.
Crusher: And that's when I locked her in the airlock.
Guinan: I was wondering what that thumping sound was.

Crusher: Anyway, not long after that Worf found me and reminded me that he was supposed to do the investigation into Reyga's death, so I got bored and autopsied Dr. Reyga.
Picard: You WHAT?
Crusher: Wait, how did you hear that? That was part of my future narration.
Picard: I have good ears.
Crusher: And that's when he relieved me of duty.
Guinan: For doing the autopsy?
Crusher: For knocking over his antique Earl Grey teapot.

Guinan: So that was your story?
Crusher: Yep. Does that mean the episode's over?
Guinan: No, I think this is just the convenient midpoint where I inspire you to keep on going.
Crusher: So are you going to inspire me?
Guinan: I'm going to stab you with a fork until you leave.
Crusher: What? OW! Hey, stop that! OW! Fine! I'm leav-- OW!

Ogawa: Doctor, why do you have so many puncture wounds in your arm?
Crusher: I'm, uh... a druggie! Yeah, that's it.
Ogawa: And why are you trying to look up the autopsy information for Jo'Bril and Dr. Reyga?
Crusher: I want to... sell them for drug money! Yeah....
Ogawa: Phew, for a second there I thought you might still be trying to investigate their deaths. Glad to see it's nothing to be worried about.

Data: Sir, someone just launched a shuttle.
Picard: Data, you don't need to say "someone". We all know it's the Doctor. Hail her.
Data: O great and healing Doctor, wisdom is your name! We extol your --
Picard: That's not what I meant, Data.
Data: My bad. Firing hailstones at the shuttle....

Crusher: See! Reyga's shield does work! I'm in the sun and nothing is harming me!
Jo'Bril: Except me.
Crusher: Except Jo'Bril. Hey, wait a minute....

Crusher: So how are you still alive?
Jo'Bril: Well, actually my species does this cool thing where we -- hey, you're not trying to make me monologue so you can counter-attack me, are you?
Crusher: Um, no. No, of course not.
Jo'Bril: Good. So as I was saying....
Crusher: ATTACK!
Jo'Bril: Honestly I think I deserved this. GAK!

Doctor's Log: I finally replicated a new teapot for the Captain, so he's given me my job back.

Crusher: Hey, Guinan. Thanks for the stabbing earlier. It really helped me out.
Guinan: Oh, no worries. I like to do it to help people out, or when they make bad puns, or when they're Q.
Crusher: Well, I bought you a whole set of forks for the future. That way the forks will be with you always.
Guinan: You obviously weren't paying attention to what I just said.
(Guinan proceeds to stab Beverly with forks at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.