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Five-Minute "Frame of Mind"

by Scott Zarchy

Riker: When I show a glimmer of independent thought, you strap me down and inject me with drugs!
Data: The drugs don't seem to be working...you seem agitated.
Riker: You bet I'm agitated! These straps are chafing my delicate skin!

Riker: I may be surrounded by insanity, but I am not insane!
Suna: So why are you roaming the ship at this hour of the night in an asylum inmate's clothing?
Riker: Curses, foiled again.

Picard: Some of the factions on Tilonus IV have resorted to torture to gain their information.
Riker: You mean...?
Picard: I'm afraid so. They've started airing reruns from the Home Shopping Network archives.
Riker: I feel faint....

Worf: Allow me to demonstrate the use of this nifty blade thingy.
Riker: Ow! Did you just scratch my face?
Worf: (shifting eyes nervously) No, Commander...it must be a papercut from your play script.
Riker: But we don't use paper in the 24th--
Worf: I can demonstrate the blade thingy more if you'd like.

Data: Commander...the applause for your performance is at a much higher decibel level than the applause for my performance. Could this be a result of my status as an artificial life form?
Riker: Oh, no you don't. This is my character development episode.

Riker: Who are you? How did you get me off the ship?
Syrus: The ship again? Tell me...where were you a moment ago?
Riker: I was comfortable in bed! Why do these straps chafe so much?
Syrus: Sorry about that, the Tilonus Senate rejected our budget...we've had to cut a few corners.

Syrus: We'll talk more later. You don't have to remember everything today.
Riker: Oh, and that was a subtle hint that you're withholding information.

Mavek: Dr. Syrus thought you might enjoy some time in the common area.
Riker: Why, what goes on there?
Mavek: We throw you nutcases together in a room and take bets on which one's the craziest.
Riker: Sounds good. I'll put twenty bars of latinum down on the one who's going to end up playing the Borg Queen.

Crusher: I can't find anything that could have caused the hallucinations you had earlier.
La Forge: Maybe that's because I'm supposed to supply the technobabble but the writers left me out of the episode?
Riker: Au contraire, Geordi. My astounding acting skills make up for the lack of technobabble.

Data: Commander, I must congratulate you. You portrayed an insane lunatic admirably.
Troi: I'm sensing great hostility from you, Will.
Riker: (caught with his hand on Data's off switch) Really? How odd.

Riker: All I know is that when I go back to the ship...reality breaks apart, nothing makes sense. Except my skin is less sore.
Syrus: Would you like some skin lotion?
Riker: Only if you have it in strawberry scent. My skin requires only the finest.

Syrus: Now, slowly...try to remember what happened.
Riker: I think I'm starting to go crazy.
(Troi hologram appears)
Troi: Insane. Paranoid.
Syrus: She appeared because she represents your capacity to state the bluntly obvious.

Crusher: I had to sneak in here posing as a health official.
Riker: That's a real stretch, Doctor. Gotta use your acting skills for that.

Riker: I'm confused. I think I'll just shoot myself with a phaser.
Picard: Will, that's not a phaser. It's a banana.
Riker: Even better! I'll make like a banana and split!

Riker: If this is a banana and not a phaser, what happened to Mavek?
Syrus: What, the shattering into little pieces? He does that occasionally.

Riker: Riker to Enterprise!
Picard: Mr. Worf, kindly turn the volume down. I'm trying to watch my cartoons.
Riker: But my mind has been tampered with!
Picard: That much is certain. The Will Riker I know would never keep me from my morning Looney Tunes.

Riker: Once you got me back, we found out that someone had tampered with my mind.
Troi: So he focused on Beverly's play about insanity to keep him sane.
(A pause)
Picard: Isn't that an oxymoron?

Riker: To demonstrate my sheer strength, I will now tear down this set with my bare hands.
Crusher: Quick, Deanna, get the holocamera!
Troi: Why?
Crusher: (morphing into Syrus) I want to capture the look on his face when he discovers this really is an asylum. Muahahahahaha....
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on December 14, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Scott Zarchy.