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Five-Minute "Descent I"

by Zeke

Einstein: You forgot to ante in, Isaac.
Newton: You future scientists and your quibbling over details. Honestly, what does an ante matter?
Hawking: Small things... can be quite... important indeed. Such as... sevens. And four... the number of them... I have. Ha... ha... ha... ha...
Data: I am afraid I cannot spare the hours it will take for you to finish laughing. Computer, end program.
(All but Hawking vanish)
Data: Curious. You are still intact.
Hawking: That's what... my doctors... say.

Worf: We are receiving a distress call from the Ohniaka Three outpost, sir.
Picard: Set a course and engage at, oh, Warp 7. I don't know anyone there.

Riker: Everything seems quiet here, Captain. None of the corpses are expressing concern.
Data: Fascinating -- a door marked "Door Number One." I believe it is for you, Commander.
Riker: Well, let's see what's behind --
Borg: Destroy! DESTROY!
Worf: Take cover, sir! ...Sir?
Riker: I'll be damned. They did get a new catchphrase!

Borg: I'll kill you, android!
Data: (BASH BASH BASH) Your contractions... are making me...
Borg: Aren't you going to finish?
Data: ANGRY!
Borg: G'K!
Riker: Data? What's wrong? You're --
Data: Grrrr....

La Forge: Their ship is entering some sort of conduit!
Picard: Pursuit course! I must follow them back... repair whatever --
La Forge: It closed after them.
Picard: Oh, then I won't worry about it.

Captain's Log: Mr. Data has had a strange experience and has asked to be relieved of duty. In the middle of a potential Borg onslaught. Some people are just me, me, me.

Riker: They were all "me, me, me." It looks like Hugh's individuality made it into the Collective.
Picard: Looks like we may have a Hughge problem on our hands. Ideas?
Worf: Increased security on all decks. Ten men at every door!
Crusher: That would require approximately 83,000 more officers than are currently aboard.
(Everyone stares)
Crusher: Someone has to fill in for Data.

La Forge: Hmmm... yep, your Current Mood indicator is still warm. You had an emotion.
Data: I believe it was... anger.
La Forge: This could change everything for you, Data!
Data: Anger: ire, vexation, PO'd-ness....
La Forge: Maybe not everything.

Captain's Log: I've informed Starfleet of the situation, and they've sent Admiral -- oh, merde.

Nechayev: Remember that time you had a Borg in your custody....
Picard: Yes, yes, we've been over this....
Nechayev: ....whom you could have used to destroy the entire Collective....
Picard: Can we just talk about the fleet deployments?
Nechayev: ....and you LET HIM GO?
Picard: I think the Crazy Horse would be good for Sector J.

Data: I am having difficulty inducing any further emotions. Can you help me, Counsellor?
Troi: Ha! I'm not falling for that line again.
Data: There is something else. I believe I also felt pleasure at killing the Borg.
Troi: You were almost enjoying it?
Data: How dare you?
Troi: Come on, Data! You're not the first man to get a thrill out of murdering someone! I see it all the time!
Data: I respectfully doubt that. You would not see a neon sign in front of your face marked "See?"

Worf: Distress call from New Berlin! They --
Riker: What? False alarm?
Worf: No, it's real, but that colony isn't on the list of places where Captain Picard knows someone.
Riker: Ah. First Officer's Log: Sucks to be that colony.

Picard: What? "I"? Why do you not call yourself "we"?
Hugh: If you can call yourself "I," then I can too!

Picard: So very human... Will, do you think I made the right choice?
Riker: No, I think you made the left choice. Putting one individual's welfare ahead of galactic security is a liberal attitude. Speaking of which...
Picard: I'm not giving you a raise.

Holo-Borg: GAK!
La Forge: Any luck?
Data: No. I am going through the motions, but nothing seems to penetrate my heart. Perhaps if we disengaged the --
La Forge: Shh! You know how you-know-who feels about disengaging things!

Worf: The Borg ship is breaking orbit of MS One.
Picard: Ha! That'll teach them to attack my stock broker's colony.
Riker: They're entering another conduit! They'll get away!
Picard: Ensign... um, what's your name?
Richard: Richard, sir.
Picard: Ensign Richard. Right. PUNCH IT!

Worf: We have exited the condu--
Borg: (appearing) Okay, nobody move or the bald guy gets it!
Worf: You're not holding Captain Picard.
Borg: I'm just nervous, all right? --GAK!

Worf: The Borg ship took that opportunity to escape. Nicely done, Richard.
Richard: What? But I'm not the tactical --
Data: Captain, this Borg is still alive. Perhaps if I kill him I will feel another emotion!
Picard: Don't be foolish. We need to interrogate him.
Data: Perhaps if I kill you I will also feel an emotion.

Picard: My name is Jean-Luc Picard, and I --
Crosis: Human. Impale with high-speed plunger. Death is immediate.
Worf: Listen to him, prisoner!
Crosis: Klingon. Remark on forehead undulation. Embarrassment is immediate.
Troi: We should try to understand him, sympathize with his....
Crosis: Human/Betazoid hybrid. Point out the near-impossibility of successful interspecies reproduction. Disappearance in a puff of logic is immediate.
Troi: Oh yeah? I'm still here, aren't --

Crosis: You have always wanted to feel emotion. The One can make that possible.
Data: Which One? Past, present, or future? Prophesied by the Oracle or by the Backstreet Boys? Numerical or --
Crosis: He can make you less chatty, too.

Data: My cat will reassure me that I am not becoming evil.
Data: I need a new cat. Perhaps a female one this time.

La Forge: It looks like there's an entire network of these transwarp conduits. It could even spread as far as Earth....
Picard: Don't be ridiculous. If there were one right in front of Earth they'd have used it by now.
Worf: Sir! A shuttle just escaped and entered the transwarp conduit! With Data and the Borg prisoner on board!
Riker: Sounds to me like a security breach. And whose fault is that, pray tell?
Worf: Richard's.
Picard: Get off my bridge, Ensign!

La Forge: I think we can follow them through now. I have this idea....
Riker: You know full well it was my idea.
La Forge: Oh, not this again.
Picard: Even if we can enter the conduit, it will likely be a difficult piloting job. Number One, you know what to do.
Riker: Aye, sir. Counselor Troi to the bridge!

Enterprise: AAAAAA! You suck, conduit!

La Forge: We've exited. Scanning for our current location....
Picard: It had better be 69,999 lightyears or less from where we started.
Worf: The stolen shuttle's signature is situated on a circling sphere, sir.
Riker: You mean a planet?
Worf: Sorry. We Klingons have difficulty stopping alliteration once we've started it.
Picard: I've never heard that about Klingons.
Worf: Well, it doesn't come up much.

La Forge: Hmm... I can't detect Data or the Borg. The planet's atmosphere is blocking our scans.
Picard: Number One, take -- where are you going?
Riker: To put another notch in the "things blocking our scans" stick.
Picard: All right, take an away team down when you're done.

Riker: (over the comm) They're not in the shuttle, sir. They've had about three hours, and given their likely walking speed... dear God! They could be 180 minutes away by now!
Picard: ...Right. Since we can't scan for them, we'll have to send teams to search for them on foot.
Riker: But our crew only walk at sixty minutes per hour! We'll have to beam down almost everybody!
Picard: Very well, Number One. Make it so.
La Forge: Sir?
Picard: Humour him, Geordi, it's his birthday.

Crusher: You want to put me in command? I'm a doctor, not an commander!
Picard: You're also a doctor, not an android, but I don't see that stopping you.
Crusher: ...leader, general, ECH... sorry, what were you saying?

La Forge: Whoo! I'm beat. How long have we been walking out here in the hot, hot sun?
Picard: Three minutes.
La Forge: Did I mention how hot the sun is?
Troi: Hey! Look! There's a huge temple over there!
Picard: What the...? How could Deanna notice that and not us? It's so obvious! ...Ah, right.

La Forge: Hmmm, there's nobody here.
Vast Multitudes of Borg: CHARGE!
Picard: Perfect. Your visor couldn't detect their body heat?
La Forge: Well, sir, it's not all-powerful --
Picard: How about the huge Borg emblem on the ceiling?

Lore: Welcome! I was hoping you'd join us.
Picard: Data! You just used a contraction!
Lore: No I didn't.
Picard: Oh, okay. -- Hey! You're not Data at all, are you?
Lore: No. But guess who is?
Picard: (thinks) Data?
Data: Correct! And guess who is on Lore's side now?
Picard: (thinks)
Troi: Sir... (whispers)
Picard: GASP!


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This fiver was originally published on June 28, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Zeke.