Five-Minute "The Loss"
Ensign Brooks: Life is good! I feel great! Lalalalala....
Troi: You don't sound like you need counseling. What if I bring up your dead husband?
Troi: Much better.
Worf: I just had an unusual reading on sensors.
Data: Attempting to lock on. Missed. Game over.
Picard: Mr. Data, you had better not have downloaded more videogames to your station. We don't want a repeat of the Tetris incident.
Troi: Oh, the pain! The pain of it all!
Captain's Log: Sensor diagnostics didn't help us figure out the mysterious sensor readings. Maybe we should check the computer's "April Fool" subroutine.
Picard: Well, there's nothing to see here. Let's go.
Ensign Allenby: The ship just stalled. And we're being pulled somewhere.
Riker: See what happens when you steal lines from Archer?
Troi: Aaaaaa! It hurts!
Crusher: (over the comm) I'll be there as soon as I'm done with my less whiny patients.
Allenby: The ship still won't go anywhere.
Picard: Try pushing in the clutch at the same time as you engage.
Riker: Try wiggling the gear shift.
Worf: No, no. Push in the clutch, then engage.
Allenby: You're not helping.
Troi: Oh no! I can't sense anything!
Picard: Meh. Now, as to this weird anomaly....
Troi: No, I mean I can't sense anything at all.
Picard: We heard you the first time.
Troi: You don't understand -- I'm completely useless!
Riker: And you're stating the obvious.
Picard: Am I supposed to be seeing something out of the ordinary here?
Crusher: Part of your brain is out to lunch.
Troi: That's terrible! What am I going to do?
Crusher: If you were any other patient, I'd suggest becoming ship's counselor.
Data: Anything unusual on sensors?
Data: What about now?
Computer: No! Give it up already.
La Forge: Try using those new "Magic Eye" sensors we installed, Data.
Computer: I still don't see...whooooaaaaa.
Brooks: I feel great, lalalalala....
Brooks: Uh, isn't this where you state the obvious and tell me I'm not finished grieving?
Troi: No, I'm far too occupied with my own problems to worry about yours.
La Forge: The beings are two-dimensional, and they're pulling us along with them.
Picard: We'll need some kind of crisis to cover up the fact that this makes no sense at all.
Troi: I'm completely useless! Do something, Beverly!
Crusher: You know, the people to talk to about that are the writers.
Troi: I think I'll resent you now.
Troi: I suck. I've decided to resign.
Picard: Oh God, no! Anything but that!
Troi: You can stop pretending you care.
Troi: I'm so happy you're here for me, Will.
Riker: Boy, I'm sure glad this happened. Maybe this will finally take your massive ego down a notch.
Picard: Engage! Engage, dammit!
Enterprise: Not until you ask nicely.
Guinan: I've decided I want your job.
Troi: You think you could be ship's counselor? Ha!
Guinan: Are you kidding? I give more advice around here in a week than you have in four years. Also, my first name is Sigmund.
Troi: Nice try. You're trying to get me to appreciate my other talents.
Guinan: What other talents?
Data: Gravity is pulling the two-dimensional creatures towards a dangerous spatial anomaly....
Riker: Data, what did Captain Picard say about this making sense?
Data: ...and they are pulling us with them. The Enterprise will be crushed.
Riker: Much better.
Captain's Log: We're screwed. On the plus side, if you stare at the images of the creatures long enough you can see a picture of a fish.
Brooks: Turns out you were right. I'm still emotionally shattered and grieving.
Troi: Ha! In your face!
Brooks: Thanks for your understanding. I think I'll go to Ten Forward and talk to Guinan now.
Picard: I've called you here because we only have a few hours left to live.
Troi: Sir, I'm flattered, but....
Picard: Eew! No, I want you to try and figure out what these aliens are thinking.
Captain's Log: The fate of the Enterprise rests on Counselor Troi's skills as a psychologist. We're so dead.
Troi: If we want to understand these creatures, we have to think two-dimensional.
Data: I do not believe I am qualified for that directive. I have had far, far more character development than you.
Troi: That's it! I've had it with you people mocking my uselessness! I quit!
Data: You already resigned.
Troi: No making fun of my intelligence either.
Data: ...so Troi thinks that the creatures are heading to their own doom on purpose.
Picard: This doesn't sound like a well-backed theory.
La Forge: If we bloogerize the transflobber on the klazbot, that should fool them into turning around long enough for us to get away.
Picard: Excellent thinking, Mr. La Forge. Make it so.
Riker: Yes! We're free!
Picard: Good work, Geordi.
Picard: Data too.
Troi: But I'm the one who --
Picard: Just be happy you can sense things again and be quiet.
Crusher: You were the worst patient ever.
Guinan: I still want your job.
Riker: You're a snob.
Troi: I'm sensing I shouldn't have retracted my resignation....
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Previous fiver: Final Mission
Next fiver: The Wounded
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Kira.
___ Five-Minute Next Generation
___ ___ Season 4
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "The Loss"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2002, Carolyn Paterson.