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Five-Minute "Interface"

by Wade the Sane Commodore

Holt: Oh yes, our ships are so much safer in fleets, like the fleet at Wolf 359.
Picard: Um... transmission loss, breaking up....

Picard: Geordi, we need to talk. Uh, do you need a sensor there?
La Forge: Just covering all the bases, Captain.
Picard: Gross. Anyways, the Hera is missing. Your mother is presumed lost.
La Forge: Don't worry sir, I'm sure everything will work out. Starfleet declares people dead all the time and yet they turn out alive.
Picard: That regulation only applies to the senior bridge crew of the Enterprise.
La Forge: Mom's doomed!

Riker: Geordi, take some time off. I can work the probe. I'm good at probing things.
La Forge: Sorry Commander, it's coded to my VISOR inputs.
Riker: Well couldn't we route it through the Holodeck or something?
La Forge: Oh please, like the Holodeck could control anything.

La Forge: The Raman is a mess. Dead bodies, flashing lights, fire. Why do we want her back again?
Data: The Raman will be issued a new crew to go out and die valiantly.
La Forge: Good plan. Ow! I burnt my hands on the fire!
Crusher: How is that possible? The feedback suit can't be that powerful.
Data: I have an explanation. Geordi had his hands too close to my bread heater implant.
Crusher: Bread heater implant? You mean a toaster? You're a walking toaster!
Commander Maddox: (over subspace) I KNEW IT!

La Forge: Hello, Dad.
Dr. La Forge: Hello, disappointment.
La Forge: Heard any news about Mom?
Dr. La Forge: She's dead, Jim.
La Forge: For the last time Dad, call me Geordi!

La Forge: Mom, is that you?
"Captain La Forge": I can be whoever you want me to be.
La Forge: Ok... Leah Bra-- MOM. I want my mommy.
Captain La Forge: Son! You look so good! Probe-ish, but good! Now, take us to the surface.
La Forge: I love you!
Captain La Forge: Input error. Running default protection routine. ZAP!

La Forge: Mom is different, if I could only put my finger on it.
Crusher: Well, your probing days are done, Geordi. That last trip almost overloaded your nervous system.
La Forge: Bah, woman! I want a professional's opinion.
Picard: (over the comm) Commander La Forge, report to Counselor Troi.

Troi: Geordi, how do you feel about you mom being missing?
La Forge: I don't like it. I want to find her.
Troi: But how do you feel?
La Forge: I feel upset. Shouldn't I?
Troi: But how do you feel?
La Forge: Can you tell me why they keep you on the crew again?

La Forge: So here's the idea -- the Hera has been pulled into a warp funnel.
Picard: Do you have any facts to back this theory up?
La Forge: Captain, do you even know how these things work?
Picard: I minored in warp theory at the Academy.
La Forge: Warp schmorp! I'm talking about storylines here!

Picard: Geordi, I don't mean to call you a liar, but isn't your explanation a little farfetched? I mean, ships just don't appear out of nowhere.
Riker: (over the comm) Captain, I've updated our itinerary with USS Bozeman.
Picard: Very well, Number One.
La Forge: Come on Captain, who is the resident technobabble expert on the Enterprise?
Data: I believe I am, Geordi.
La Forge: Why don't you go test your off button?
Data: Testing now -- (THUD)

Riker: Yeah, I remember when my ma kicked the can.
La Forge: Excuse me, are you trying to make me feel better?
Riker: My dad didn't take it very well, he'd wear dresses around the house and kiss me goodnight. Then he would sit in my room and watch me sleep.
La Forge: Commander, this is really creeping me out. Maybe you should seek some professional counseling for your trauma.
Riker: Do my sessions with Deanna count?
La Forge: Maybe you should get some counseling for those, too.

Data: What are you doing with the interface old chum? Old chum -- buddy, pal, comrade....
La Forge: I thought I deleted all of those thesaurus subroutines. Anyways, I'm defying the Captain's orders. Want in?
Data: ...companion, friend, cohort....
La Forge: I'll take that as a yes.

Captain La Forge: We need to go lower, son.
La Forge: Oh mom, there are so many questions blind love isn't allowing me to ask you!
Captain La Forge: Blind love, that's cute. You're really buying into this, aren't you? Okay, time to come clean. We're fireballs and we killed the crew of the Raman. Chew on that.
La Forge: But mom isn't a fireball... then that means... with only four minutes left... she's really dead! NOOOOOOOOO!

Picard: Geordi I am SO mad at you right now, I'm speechless!
La Forge: Whoa, that is mad.
Picard: I've decided your punishment will be to listen to my newest speech on the Prime Directive. Don't be afraid to ask questions.
La Forge: Sir! I've learned my lesson! Please, I'll do anything!
(Picard bores La Forge to death at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 21, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Wade A. Heath.