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Five-Minute "Liaisons"

by Wade the Sane Commodore

Captain's Log: Diplomacy time! As a precaution against plot twists, I've ordered all technobabble protocols disabled. La Forge and Data are already going through withdrawal symptoms.

Picard: Welcome aboard, Ambassadors! Meet Commander Riker, Counselor Troi and Lieutenant Worf. Please pick the color of your choice as your personal liaison during your visit.
Loquel: I'd like the curvy blue one, please.
Byleth: And I will condescend to accept the big one in yellow -- the color of cowardice.
Worf: Definitely feeling aggressive tendencies, Captain.
Picard: Well, I'm off to visit the Iyaaran homeworld. You kids have fun while I'm gone.
Worf: Grr....

Loquel: Aren't you going to eat more of this delicious buffet, Counselor?
Troi: No, on my world we hold one plate at a time; we don't carry three in each hand.
Loquel: I understand. Besides, it wouldn't hurt your hips to go easy on the dessert table.
Troi: Hey!

Byleth: This food is unacceptable! I wouldn't even feed it to you!
Worf: I apologize that your gagh is displeasing.
Byleth: Bring me something else, p'taK!
Worf: With or without cyanide?
Byleth: Without. We Iyaarans despise your custom of adding seasonings to food.

Picard: So, how's non-warp shuttle piloting going for you?
Voval: Slowly.
Picard: Heh, good one. Anywhere you suggest I visit on your homeworld?
Voval: I doubt you will be doing much sightseeing.
Picard: Isn't that a presumptuous thing to say?
Voval: Oh look -- we're out of control or something.

Picard: Shuttlepod One, Shuttlepod One. Hoshi, can you hear me?
Voval: Who are you talking to?
Picard: I'm just trying every possible option, that's all. Were you hurt badly in the crash?
Voval: GAK!
Picard: Damn. I'm alone, in an uncharted part of the galaxy....

Byleth: Tell me, incompetent one -- name all the people who built this warp core.
Worf: I would not have the slightest clue.
Byleth: Humph. You, blind man! Who built this warp core?
La Forge: Ah, my Leah, you are the core's soul....
Byleth: Okay, dog, let's go. He's getting kinda creepy.

Loquel: What is this miniature unit here?
Troi: He is a child, an offspring of humans. He will grow up to a full-sized man.
Loquel: So you were once a thin child too?
Troi: I wish you'd stop that!
Loquel: I apologize. Candy bar?
Troi: Ooh ooh!

Picard: Who are you?
Anna: My name is Anna. Do you love me?
Picard: I'd love for you to tell me how I ended up in a wrecked Terellian freighter with a strange device glued to my chest.
Anna: I saw your shuttle crash and I dragged you back here. I may have broken a few of your ribs on some big rocks along the way. Would you like to listen to some music during your convalescence?
Picard: Gladly. You seem to have a large collection of CDs over there.
Anna: Yes -- five hundred copies of the old Beatles single "Love Me Do."

Anna: ...and so I've been here ever since.
Picard: (tear) That is SO sad.
Anna: So you love me now?
Picard: Why yes, I would love you to go get the shuttle's radio.
Anna: For not having any hair, you are still surprisingly thick-headed.

Worf: I would rather baby-sit a Ferengi Marauder's crew than continue escorting Byleth!
Troi: They're just different, Worf. For instance, Loquel is seemingly preoccupied with my figure.
Worf and Riker: Hey who isn't?
Troi: Why do I even bother?

Picard: This transmitter is totally whacked! How could that have happened?
Anna: Maybe I did it accidentally. Yes, accidentally.
Picard: Anna, how did you remove this module?
Anna: I only used a few pounds of C-4.

Picard: Anna, please hand me one of your emery boards.
Anna: What for, sugarplum?
Picard: I'm trying to make a battery for us. I saw MacGyver do it.
Anna: You know I really do love you, Jean-Luc.
Picard: Anna look, you're a swell kid, but I don't think it would work out.
Anna: I understand. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go kill myself.

Byleth: I see your bet and raise you Worf's head on a platter.
Riker: I dunno, that'd be a hard item to collect.
Byleth: Not at all. I am certain a girly-man like Worf would hand it over without protest.
Worf: That's it! PREPARE TO DIE!
Byleth: Oh, come on, you hit like a Romulan!
Byleth: Much better. See you in the morning, old chap.

Voval: Let's split up and look for the girl.
Picard: Um, wait a minute, where did you come from again?
Voval: Remember how Clark Kent always had to come up with an excuse as to why he was never in the same room as Superman?
Picard: Uh huh.
Voval: So just trust me in whatever I say.
Picard: Reassuring words from a man who's supposed to be dead.

Anna: Say you love me or I'll jump!
Picard: Well I'll love you the only way I know how: by speechifying.
Anna/Voval: Okay, I quit, I quit!
Picard: I don't understand! Why did you do this?
Voval: We couldn't grasp the human emotions of pleasure, antagonism and love, so three of us were sent to study them in depth.
Picard: Let me get this straight. You wanted to study human emotions, so your test subjects were a Klingon, a Betazoid and a man brainwashed by the Borg?
Voval: Would that skew our results at all?
Picard: Accuracy is futile.
(Voval returns Picard to the Enterprise at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 31, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Wade A. Heath.