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Five-Minute Mega Man 7

by Zeke

Mega Man: I can't believe robots are destroying the city again!
Roll: I know... it's always robots attacking humans. Why don't humans ever kill humans anymore?
Auto: And killing humans is so much work, too!
Mega Man and Roll: ...
Auto: Forget I said that. You'd better go, Mega Man. Want this hat?
Mega Man: No, I'll stick with my own.
Auto: It's an invincible hat....
Mega Man: I said no.

Dr. Light: Mega Man! Quick, help me!
Mega Man: Are you hurt?
Dr. Light: No, I'm just too overweight to get up on my own. Listen... Wily has escaped.
Mega Man: You mean he's the one behind this?
Dr. Wily: I'm actually behind you. In a saucer. Doing my eyebrow thing.
Mega Man: (GASP) Oh no! The eyebrow thing!

Dr. Light: You'd better go after him. I'm afraid I don't have any upgrades for you this time....
Mega Man: Don't tell me. You've spent all your time working on X instead, right?
Dr. Light: He must have capsules! Hundreds of them! But I'm sure you can defeat Wily's four Robot Masters as you are.
Mega Man: Four Robot Masters?
Dr. Light: Weird, I know.

Mega Man: I hope the intro's over now. I'm getting tired of -- who the heck?
Bass: I'm Bass. And you must be my rival, Mega Man.
Mega Man: I didn't know I had a rival....
Bass: You do now. He's me. Bass.
Mega Man: Then you're out to get Wily too?
Bass: And to boast about the greatness of me, Bass.
Mega Man: Whatever, just stay out of my way. And your little dog too.
Treble: GRRRR....


Burst Man: Well, well. Mega Man the Robot Master Slayer, I presume.
Mega Man: Hola. Burst Man, right?
Burst Man: I am The Burst Evil. I have chosen now to attack you, as there is a weakness in the Mega Man line.
Mega Man: What, because they started the X series while the current series was still running?
Burst Man: Precisely. Now prepare to -- OW! You're not supposed to be able to touch me!
Mega Man: I don't think the parody carries that far.

Proto Man: Hi, bro. I'll be appearing to give you advice.
Mega Man: This better turn out to be more useful than that Energy Balancer thing.
Proto Man: My first piece of advice is to try using the fire weapon in the forest. I think it says something about you that you wouldn't have figured that out yourself.
Mega Man: I don't suppose what it says is that I'm considerate of the environment?
Proto Man: Heheheh no.

Cloud Man: Hey! You! Get offa my cloud!
Mega Man: Sorry. I'm trying to figure out what to hit you with, aside from Danger Wrap, which couldn't possibly work.
Cloud Man: I don't know, trapping me in bubbles with bombs sounds quite effective.
Mega Man: What's this about bombs?

Junk Man: Time to die! Beware my -- SHEEEEYAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!
Mega Man: Note to self: Thunder Bolt is very, very, very good.

Freeze Man: Just to give you fair warning, any jokes about a "chilly reception" or whatever are grounds for instant death.
Mega Man: Don't worry, I was going to give you the same warning. I even brought this Junk Shield to block any stray ice jokes.
Freeze Man: Um, can you back up a bit? I'd rather not be close to that thing. No particular reason, of course.
Mega Man: Now that you mention it, no, I can't.

Mega Man: Okay, I beat the Robot Masters.
Dr. Light: And just in time, too. Wily's hitting the Robot Museum, where all your past enemies are stored.
Mega Man: But... but I blew up all my past enemies.
Dr. Light: They got put back together or something. Just go with it.

Mega Man: Wily! Get back here with Guts Man!
Dr. Wily: Not likely. I'm going to rebuild him so he's better than ever!
Mega Man: He'd pretty much have to be. It took maybe three Hyper Bombs to kill him last time.
Dr. Wily: Well, you'll sure need more than three Slash Claws this time.... oops. Forget that part and fight a clown miniboss.
Mega Man: Clown m-- you're completely out of ideas, aren't you?
Dr. Wily: You have no idea. Nor do I.

Dr. Light: You're back just in time. Wily's released four more Robot Masters.
Mega Man: Figures.

Mega Man: Burning down a forest is fun. Hey, is that...
Beat: Twee!
Mega Man: Beat! Who stuck you in this cage? Hold still, I'll get you out.
Beat: Twee twee tweeee twee?
Mega Man: No, I haven't got the Scorch Wheel yet... why?
Beat: Tweeee?
Mega Man: (sigh) I rubbed two sticks together.

Slash Man: So you're the punk who burned down my forest!
Mega Man: Hey, it's Wolverine! I'm your biggest fan!
Slash Man: Um... yeah, Wolverine, that's me. Come closer and I'll give you my autograph.
Mega Man: Sure. But first I'll cool down the room with this Freeze Cracker, so it'll be more like Canada, your home and native land.
Slash Man: That really isn't neceBRRRRRRR!
Mega Man: Wow, I didn't know Wolverine could turn into a block of ice! He just gets cooler all the time!

Mega Man: AAAAAA! Note to self: Thunder Bolt is very, very, very BAD!
Spring Man: I like it a lot myself. Hey, why not throw another one at me?

Auto: Hey, you found my Hyper Bolt! Awesome!
Mega Man: Need help screwing it into your head?
Auto: Nah, I got it. This is great! Now I can kill humans twice as easily!
Mega Man: ...
Auto: Make you items twice as easily.

Mega Man: Bass? Are you okay?
Bass: Yes, I'm just collapsing on the ground with electricity crackling all around me for my health.
Mega Man: You need some repairs. I know just the place. (hands Bass Dr. Light's card)
Bass: Wow, you're so trusting... you barely know me, Bass, and you're already giving me access to your creator's lab.
Mega Man: Unconditional trust has never let me down before and never will.

Mega Man: You can turn me to stone? That's one rockin' power.
Shade Man: I have lived for 200 years and that is the worst joke I have ever heard.
Mega Man: You realize Wily just built you last night, right? You only look like a vampire.
Shade Man: Don't be absurd. I wasn't born yesterday.

Proto Man: Hello again, Mega Man. Have you found the circuit plates for the Super Adapter yet?
Mega Man: I'm wearing the Super Adapter, dipstick.
Proto Man: When you find the plates, remember that you can't slide with the suit on.
Mega Man: I have the suit on --
Proto Man: Goodbye. Good luck finding the plates.

Mega Man: Oh no, a Decepticon!
Turbo Man: And now that the obvious joke is out of the way, let's fight.
Mega Man: No no, I've got more. So if you're a robot with a fire weapon who turns into a car, does that make you a car-burn-etor?
Turbo Man: Use the Noise Crush, okay? It'll kill me nice and quick. I don't want to hear the rest of these.

Mega Man: Okay, the other four are -- Dr. Light! What happened?
Dr. Light: Bass... attacked... stole... enhancements... you're... an idiot....
Dr. Wily: (over the comm) That's right, Mega Man! I built Bass!
Mega Man: Dang your infernal machinations, Wily! I'll stop you if it's the last thing Rush does!
Rush: RUFF!
Mega Man: That's the spirit, boy! Stop biting my leg.

Bass: You'll have to get through me, Bass, to get to Wily.
Mega Man: How could you, Bass, betray me like this? I thought we were friends!
Bass: That is because you are dim. I didn't even pretend to like you.
Mega Man: Well, my only real basis for comparison was Proto Man, and he doesn't either.

Mega Man: Somebody's had some upgrades, I see.
Guts Man: I still hate your guts.
Mega Man: Doesn't it bother you being demoted from a full-fledged Robot Master to a fortress boss?
Guts Man: Nope.
Mega Man: What about Wily revealing your weakness to me earlier? Does that bother you?
Guts Man: Nope.
Mega Man: He's got you wearing a Met on your head.
Guts Man: Wily must die!

Mega Man: Hey, a hidden door in Shade Man's stage. I wonder what --
Proto Man: So! You made it to my third room!
Mega Man: Um....
Proto Man: Let's see which of us is better!
Mega Man: But I beat you four times in --
Proto Man: En garde!
Mega Man: Maybe I'll just come back later.

Bass: You may have defeated Guts Man, but you still must face me, Bass!
Mega Man: Actually, I didn't defeat Guts Man. He'd like to have a word with you, Bass.
Guts Man: Hi.
Bass: Ohhhh crap.

Turtle Boss: Beware my slow power!
Mega Man: Mind if I snicker?
Turtle Boss: You can, but I'll light you on fire while you do.
Mega Man: Sounds fair.

Proto Man: So! You made it to my third room!
Mega Man: Yeah, hi again. I was thinking we could just talk this out....
Proto Man: Let's see which of us is better!
Mega Man: Sigh.

Skull Boss: I LIVE! I HUNGER!
Mega Man: Ah, so Wily's going for the arcade references now.
Skull Boss: RUN, COWARD!
Mega Man: I'm running, I'm running. How come we never run out of track, anyway?
Skull Boss: IT'S A CIRCLE! DUH!

Proto Man: Wham!
Mega Man: GAK!

Proto Man: Wham!
Mega Man: GAK!

Proto Man: Wham!
Mega Man: Explain something to me, okay? If this is just a duel to see which of us is stronger, why do you keep actually killing me?
Proto Man: Wham!
Mega Man: GAK!

Robot Masters: Hello again.
Mega Man: Yeah, I'm familiar with the "re-fighting all the bosses" concept. What a waste of time.
Freeze Man: Well, at least this way you get to try our own weapons on us.
Shade Man: Some of us do amusing things when you do.
Mega Man: It's not worth it.

Proto Man: You've defeated me! I guess you really are the stronger, and cheaper, of us.
Mega Man: Oh, so I used one Energy Tank. You got to kill me like nine times first.
Proto Man: As a reward, you may use my shield for a while.
Mega Man: Awesome! Does it block shots?
Proto Man: Only the weakest, most piddling shots in the game.
Mega Man: But yes.
Proto Man: Yes.
Mega Man: Sweet!

Dr. Wily: Mwahahaha! Now, at last, you will DIE!
Mega Man: I don't suppose you'll be telling me your weakness again?
Dr. Wily: Wild Coil does pretty good damage.
Mega Man: What the--? Why give that away?
Dr. Wily: Because my saucer is only vulnerable for brief moments, can set fire to you or freeze you in ice, and has about five million billion skrillion health units.
Mega Man: I have to admit that's a pretty good reason.

Dr. Wily: Well, you beat me fair and square. I guess I'd better do the begging thing.
Mega Man: Sure, you can do that. Then I'll kill you.
Dr. Wily: What? You can't break the First Law of Robotics!
Mega Man: Dr. Light doesn't know the Laws of Robotics.
Dr. Wily: Eeeeeep! Bass, save me!
Bass: You've won this round, Mega Man, but I, Bass, will return to destroy you.
Mega Man: You're still alive? I thought I left Guts Man beating the bejeezus out of you.
Bass: I hurt in places that I didn't know I, Bass, had....

Dr. Light: Well, Wily got away, but at least you stopped his mad plans of conquest.
Mega Man: Glad you're doing better. I'm really sorry about Bass earlier.
Dr. Light: Don't feel too bad. Anyone might have fallen for his deception.
Proto Man: Except me.
Roll: And me.
Auto: And me.
Dr. Light: And me.
Rush: Ruff.
Beat: Twee.
Tango: Meow.
Mega Man: You can all shut up.
(The credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 13, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Capcom, and since you never know when a new Mega Man game will come out, I'd better stay on their good side. Incidentally, Rockman and Forte does not count as Mega Man 9. Mega Man 9 has not been produced yet. Rockman and Forte does use Mega Man and Bass, but the game's structure is sufficiently different from the MM series to disqualify it. Are we clear on that now?

All material © 2003, Colin Hayman.