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Old 11-05-2007, 06:21 AM
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Default Altfiver: Thirty-Eight Line "Thirty-Eight Minutes"

Well, I was going to post Thirty-Eight Line "Thirty-Eight Minutes" today, but, reading it over again, I realized that the only part that was remotely amusing was that it was exactly thirty-eight lines. So you're out of luck. Sorry.
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Old 11-05-2007, 02:47 PM
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Yeah, length constraints to that degree are almost never conducive to proper fiving. The only advice that Zeke, Marc, and Derek usually give is "try to keep it around twenty scenes of four or five lines each on average." And make sure it's funny, of course.
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Old 05-14-2010, 06:49 AM
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Screw it.

Thirty-Eight Line “Thirty-Eight Minutes”
By Wowbagger

Ford: If you make a mistake, we all die instantly. No pressure or anything.
Markham: That’s okay; none of us are title-screen characters anyway.
Ford: Well, that’s reassuring. And--hey! I’m in the title credits!
Stackhouse: Yeah, but you’re black. I mean, would anyone notice if Travis Mayweather died? Or Uhura? Or La Forge?
Ford: You’ve made your point.
Stackhouse: Or Mace Windu? Or Mamie from Holiday Inn?...

Meta-Ford: Hey! He’s right! I’m not in the title credits! Well, I am, but I’m listed as a supporting actor! What’s up with that?!
Meta-Weir: It’s probably because you’re such a perv.
Meta-Ford: For the last time, slash fiction is non-canon! *exhale* Where’s Paramount’s licensing department the one time you need it?

Puddlejumper: You ever have one of those days when you’d rather jump in the puddle than over it? That’s today.
McKay: Told you we should have called it Gateship-1.

Sheppard: ARRRGG! OH, THE HUMANITY!
McKay: What’s up with him, anyhow?
Teyla: Meh. Flashback time.

Past-McKay: Well, looks like nobody’s home. Think we can steal their muffins?
Past-Wraith Troops: No! Muffins are more wonderful than walruses in top hats!

Weir: Well, that was enlightening.

Station Commander’s Log: In an effort to improve my character development, I have just thrown Dr. Kavagnah in the airlock until he tells me the real reason he warned us that the Puddlejumper might explode, kill us all, and destroy mankind’s best hope for a better future.

Sheppard: Cogito ergo sum.
Teyla: *gasp!* Oh no! It’s the legendary Philosopher’s Bug! Well, at least we can be thankful he’s still on Descartes’ Meditations on First Philosophy.
Weir: What’s so wrong with questioning one’s reasons for existence?
Teyla: Overthinking St. Anselm’s Ontology is very, very fatal.

Beckett: The only way to save Major Sheppard... is to kill him.
Weir: YES! I call dibs on his appliances!
Beckett: We do revive him, ma’am.
Weir: Too late. I’ve already unplugged his microwave.

McKay: Hm. Everything becomes obvious when you realize the Stargate runs off antimatter radiation. You just have expose it to the square root of minus-1 grams of “soon.”
Weir: Because that’s the only thing in the universe that means less than “antimatter radiation.” Brilliant job, Rodney! (pause) Wait. This means I have to return Major Shepperd’s flat-screen plasma TV, doesn’t it?

(Sheppard, having seen the light while under the influence of the Philosopher’s Bug, reveals at Ludicrous Speed that there is a God, but that he’s made of green cheese)

THE END

DISCLAIMER: Atlantis (c) Plato, circa a very long time ago.

DISCLAIMER-II: A lot of stuff here is copyrighted by Canadians. My intent isn't to infringe on them or their exosites; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the abbreviated version of the universe Zeke created. I don't think he'd mind. Especially not after the pecan pie bribe.
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Old 05-14-2010, 08:17 AM
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Yeah, um, I don't have very much good to say about this altver. Better to say nothing, then.
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Old 05-14-2010, 11:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nate the Great View Post
Yeah, um, I don't have very much good to say about this altver. Better to say nothing, then.
Wow. That... wow.

In other, unrelated news, I was recently surprised to learn that you're actually older than I am, Nate. For some reason, I had always assumed you were in high school. If you don't mind my asking, what do you do for a living? I'm very frankly curious.
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Old 05-15-2010, 01:53 AM
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High school? I've been around since at least 2004, and I'm pretty sure I had another account before that. Would a junior high student be able to write that Inner Light fiver?

Actually, I do mind. My current job is quite frankly none of your business. I'm giving out too much personal information about myself as it is. Besides, my online persona is quite different from my RL one. I hesitate to use the term "secret identity," but there you go.
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mudshark: Nate's just being...Nate.
Zeke: It comes nateurally to him.

mudshark: I don't expect Nate to make sense, really -- it's just a bad idea.

Sa'ar Chasm on the 5M.net forum: Sit back, relax, and revel in the insanity.

Adam Savage: I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.
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Old 05-15-2010, 03:37 AM
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Wow, new posts in the SG forum. I'm all in favour, unless of course the silence is going to be broken with a fight. Keep it civil.

Wowbagger: Can't comment on the fiver since I haven't seen the episode, but I can comment on the "screw it". I'm sorry I never gave you an answer about what to do with this thing. The status of 5MSG is still up in the air; it's probably about time I settled that with Nan once and for all. I don't blame you for losing patience, but don't make a habit of it.

Nate: That's a good rule to follow. Of course, the rule is actually to say nothing, not to say "I am saying nothing". The latter is a smarmy little playground trick -- have some self-respect.
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Old 05-15-2010, 05:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nate the Great View Post
High school? I've been around since at least 2004, and I'm pretty sure I had another account before that. Would a junior high student be able to write that Inner Light fiver?
See, I had no idea. That's why I was so surprised. I didn't realize that you and Infinite Improbability were the exact same person -- that is, until I was tooling around in the 5MSG forum last night and it was, like, "Whoa! He's that guy! Which means... Nate's been here since '05?"

Apparently '04. My bad. Either way, it ran counter to my assumptions. And that got me curious.

I don't think I've read your "Inner Light" fiver, so I can't comment.

Quote:
Actually, I do mind. My current job is quite frankly none of your business. I'm giving out too much personal information about myself as it is. Besides, my online persona is quite different from my RL one. I hesitate to use the term "secret identity," but there you go.
Well, sorry, then.

@Zeke: No apology is necessary! The "screw it" wasn't directed at you. I gave up on these fivers just shy of two years ago, and, frankly, it's plain to me now (what's it been, four years since I wrote them? closer to five?) that they are just not very good. In fact, I'd go a step further: with the exception of a decent joke or two nestled in the margins, they are actually bad. I neither expect them to be published, nor do I think publishing them would be a very good idea. Not without some rewrites, anyway. I hope the fiver-starved forumgoers get some entertainment out of them while they wait for real updates, but that's all.

The "Screw it" was in fact directed at Wowbagger's Better Judgement, which has been telling me for two years not to post this fiver, on the grounds that it isn't funny. But last night I was in the middle of a really obnoxious take-home exam, feeling grim, and for some reason I ended up re-reading my old fivers, and they cheered me up. I liked the ontology joke. It may have helped that it was 1:30 in the morning. So I gave my Better Judgement the finger and posted it.

So (the "soon" joke aside; I wrote that joke five years ago) I am not at all feeling impatient with you. In a general sense, though, I think it would be great news if 5MSG reopened under Nan's management, or even if the archives were made publicly accessible again. I only started watching SG after ENT ended, and I never got around to reading more than one or two of the fivers before the exosite went offline. Those archives would be a treasure trove. New activity would be downright flabbergasting.

I do have two more of these SG:A fivers kicking around my hard drive. They are equally funny, which is to say they're not. If no one objects to my posting them (other than Nate, who objects to things on principle -- no offense), I might throw them on the board sometime. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. Maybe sometime during the next presidential administration.

Definitely sometime soon, though. :P

EDIT: I just realized that our Join Dates are actually displayed right there in the upper-right corner of every single post. I'm a little embarrassed for never having noticed this before now. I really have no excuse for not knowing that Nate was a 6-year vet.
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Last edited by Wowbagger; 05-15-2010 at 05:46 AM.
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  #9  
Old 05-15-2010, 10:23 AM
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I wish you well negotiating with Nan, Zeke. If you can find her, that is.

As for not responding, how could I do that? The whole forum knows my ego is the size of a planet, and I love to hear myself talk (figuratively speaking).
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mudshark: Nate's just being...Nate.
Zeke: It comes nateurally to him.

mudshark: I don't expect Nate to make sense, really -- it's just a bad idea.

Sa'ar Chasm on the 5M.net forum: Sit back, relax, and revel in the insanity.

Adam Savage: I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.
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