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Five-Minute "War Stories"

by Jade

Book: Let's talk about Shan Yu.
Simon: No. I'm concentrating on finding out pretty much nothing about what the Blue Hand Guys did to River.
Book: But, but Shan Yu wrote all these cool books about torture and stuff!
Simon: Is it me, or is it kinda disturbing that you're so obsessed with this guy?
Book: It's just you. Really!

Niska: Let's talk about Shan Yu.
Random Torture Victim Guy: I think I'm too busy being in agonizing pain.
Niska: But, but Shan Yu wrote all these cool books about getting to meet the real man by making him almost die!
Random Torture Victim Guy: Almost? You mean then you'll let me go?
Niska: Hmm... no.

Inara: So can this councillor woman come on board for seemingly no other reason than so we can have a hot lesbian love scene?
Mal: Can I watch?
Inara: No.
Mal: Darn. But okay.

River: Let's be all giggling and having fun so that when I terrify you later it'll have more impact.
Kaylee: Okay.
River: Aren't you forgetting something?
Kaylee: What?
River: You're supposed to say something cool that I can quote back at you later on.
Kaylee: Oh! Um... I like pie?
River: Sigh... I guess that'll have to do.

Zoe: Once upon a time I was eating an apple and suddenly a tiny man climbed out of it and yelled at me for almost eating him. So from that day on I always cut my apples to check for tiny men before I ate them.
Kaylee: What a lovely story.
Mal: I don't like loveliness. As revenge I'm going to tell Wash that you lied to him.
Zoe: Woo! Finally a Wash/Zoe episode!
Mal: Zoe, you're not supposed to be happy about this.
Zoe: Meh.

Wash: I'm really mad because you lied to me.
Zoe: No you're not.
Wash: You're right. I'm ecstatic! Woo, Wash/Zoe!

River: That sugar, that was meant to help the medicine go down? Made me feel kinda sick. And also in the mood for a speech with many metaphors. Bleurgh!
Simon: Um, oops?

Mal: Huh. Doesn't look much like a woman to me.
Inara: That's her bodyguard, lunkhead. That's the councillor.
Jayne: Woah... I think I'm having a sordid fantasy overload.
Book: My heart bleeds for you. Well no, actually it doesn't. I think I've done enough bleeding for a while.

Zoe: Lalala, more Wash/Zoe tension...
Wash: Like how I changed the ignition sequence on the shuttle so that I can go on the mission with Mal instead of you? Does it make you really annoyed?
Zoe: Well no, 'cause of the cool tension, but don't tell anyone. High five!
Wash: Woo!
Mal: Okay, could you stop being so pleased with yourselves? Please? For goodness' sake, Zoe, now I'm stuck with Wash!
Zoe: Meh.
Wash: Hehe, nyah nyah!

Inara: Ooh, I get to give the councillor a sensual massage. With violin music! Neat.

Wash: So, me and Zoe...
Mal: Okay, that's it. I am so fed up with all the Wash/Zoe! I'm gonna get us kidnapped now, maybe that will get you to shut up.
Wash: Drat.

Inara: Okay Councillor, buh-bye now!
Jayne: She's leaving? Waaah!
Zoe: Don't worry Jayne, I'll take you on a nice trip to find out that Niska has kidnapped Wash and Mal, okay?
Book: Ooh, ooh, can I come?
Zoe: Something about this is strangely suspicious... but okay.

Mal: Ooh, the kidnappers blindfolded me.
Wash: Me too! Aaaaah! Panic panic panic panic! Aaaaaah!
Mal: Wash, calm down.
Wash: Aaaaaah!
Mal: Okay, I think I preferred it when you were talking about Wash/Zoe.
Niska: Hi!
Mal: Aaaaaah!

Kaylee: Here's the money for you to pay Niska so you can get Wash and the captain back.
Zoe: Get them back? Who said that was what I was gonna use the money for? I was thinking nice hotel, bubble bath, possibly wine and chocolates...
Inara: What?
Zoe: Um, get Wash and Mal back. Yeah.

Wash: Wash/Zoe -- Aaaaaah! Zoe/Wash -- Aaaaaah! No Mal/Zoe at all -- Aaaaaah!
Mal: Combined electrocution and Wash/Zoe. Great. Aaaaaah!

Zoe: I'm going to try to buy back Wash and Mal with this big bag of money.
Niska: No, try not! Do or do not, there is no try. And in your case it is do not, because I am very mean man and will only let you have one. Yes?
Zoe: Okay, hang on a second while I decide. Eeny meeny miney mo...
Wash: Hey!
Zoe: I think I'll choose Wash. I need another Wash/Zoe fix.
Mal: I knew there was a reason I hated that 'ship.

Niska: Zoe, let me lend you an ear.
Zoe: I really don't feel the need to talk with you at all, Niska, ever again.
Niska: No no, I mean literally. Here.
Niska's Knife: SLASH!
Mal: OW!
Niska: Voilą. Mal's Ear ą la Niska. It'll taste good with chili.
Wash: One word: Ew.
Zoe: Let me just tuck this into my vest.
Wash: Annnnnnd double ew.

Wash: Grrr. I'm all angsty.
Zoe: What?
Wash: You weren't listening to my angsty speech? How could you?
Zoe: Sorry, I was soaking up all the Wash/Zoe-ness.
Wash: Oh. In that case I forgive you. But don't ignore angsty!Wash again, for he is darned cool!

Wash: We're back!
Simon: Did you bring presents?
Zoe: Here, take this.
Simon: Ooh, Mal's ear! I think I'll put it in a jar and keep it on my nightstand to remind me of him.
Jayne: Hey, no fair! I want it!
Kaylee: Um, I think you're supposed to put it back on his head. Right?
Zoe: Well, yeah. Niska did only lend it to me, after all.
Simon: Darn.
Jayne: Gorrammit!
Inara: And drat! Um, yeah.

Niska: Let's talk about Shan Yu.
Mal: That guy Book keeps going on about? Is there some kind of connection here?
Niska: No! I'm going to torture you some more for even suggesting such a thing!
Mal: Aaaaah! Drat.

Wash: Ooh, lots of weapons for rescuing Mal with.
Jayne: You can't rescue him!
Zoe: Why not?
Jayne: Well, I really want his ear. In a jar by my bed like Simon said, next to the picture of hi-- Um...
Kaylee: Okay, let me raise my eyebrows quizzically at this point...

Simon: We're going with you. I decided that I'd rather have the whole captain than just an ear.
Jayne: Hey, now there's a point...
Zoe: Well. How fun. And rather disturbing.

Mal: GAK!
Torturer Guy: MWAHAHAHAHA!

Mal: Un-GAK!
Niska: MWAHAHAHAHA! I lubb torture.

Wash: Hey, listen to all this sciency stuff about not needing any engines to keep flyin' in space.
Zoe: Cool.
Jayne: Whatever. Can we kill folk yet?

Big Bunch of Niska's Employees: GAK!
Book: Here, let me show off my mysterious ability to shoot extremely well.
Random Employee of Niska: GAK!
Zoe: Woo! We rock!

Mal: Let's talk about Shan Yu. While I punch you and Torturer Guy.
Niska: Um, no. I'll just let him distract you with a fight to the death, and then... Bye!
Mal: Drat.

Book: Quick Simon, let's leave Kaylee alone so that River can freak her out.
Simon: Okay.
Enemy Guns: Woo! BANG BANG!
Kaylee: Aaaaaah!
River's Gun: BANG BANG!
Owners of Enemy Guns: GAK!
River: I like pie.
Kaylee: Aaaaaah!

Torturer Guy: GAK!
Mal: HA! No un-GAK for you!

Mal: Woo, I have my ear back!
Simon: Well, I made it detachable, so that Jayne and I could -- Um...
Inara: Hey! What about me?
Simon: You too, of course. Even though you had nothing to do with rescuing Mal so we could take full advantage of the ear-slashing. Hehe. "Slash." Hehe.
Mal: Well, this is unsettling.

Wash: Aww, you're making me soup. Aren't we cute together?
Zoe: We certainly are.
Mal: You think you and I would be cute together?
Zoe: Hmm. No.
Mal: Why not?
Zoe: You don't like soup.
Jayne: I do!
Wash: Help yourself. Zoe and I are off to our bunk to do a "Shindig" now.
Jayne: So Mal is gonna sit next to me at the table? Woo! This is my best day ever!
(Jayne slurps soup at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 6, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Josephina Delahaye.