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Five-Minute "Trash"

by Jade

Mal: Look, I´m sitting on a rock in the desert, nekkid! Oh, and the next 40 minutes of this episode are one big long flashback...

Mal: Hi, this is me seventy-two hours earlier. Notice how I'm not nekkid yet?
Monty: Ahem.
Mal: Oh yeah, and this is Monty, my old war buddy. But of the two of us, I am the wiser one.
Monty: Yeah, we're old bud-- wiser?!
Mal: Yeah! See, I already know that your "wife", Bridget, is in fact Saffron from "Our Mrs Reynolds"!
Monty: Mrs Reynolds? You mean she tricked you into marrying her as well?
Mal: Yeah, but that's not the --
Saffron: I don't think you're wise.
Monty: Yeah, I tend to agree...
Mal: Shut up.

Saffron's Fist: PUNCH!
Mal's Fist: PUNCH right back!
Monty: Shut up, you inconsiderate schoolboys!
Mal: ...Huh?

Monty: Grrr! I'm takin'off now.
Saffron: Okay, whatever... So, Mal...
Mal: Grrr.
Saffron: I have this job --
Mal: Grrr.
Saffron: I could help you steal this gun worth a fort --
Mal: Grrr.
Saffron: Maybe we could even work it so Inara sees you naked.
Mal: Ooh... let me get back to you on that one. I'll just stick you in this crate until I make up my mind...

Mal: Hi guys!
All: Hi!
Jayne: Did you have a nice holiday?
Mal: Okay, allow me to stare at you blankly... and now I think I'll back slowly away from you. Okay. Nice Jayne. No bite.
Jayne: Aw.

Inara: Hey look, I'm smiling!
Mal: Woah... are you coming on to me or something?
Inara: No, actually I'm really mad at you. You keep preventing me from doing my work.
Mal: What, because we haven't been to any un-poor planets lately?
Inara: Well, that and the fact that you keep telling my clients that I suffer from Pa'nar Syndrome.
Mal: Yeah, it's funny when I do that. Hehe.

Mal: Okay Saffron, tell me more about your plan. If Inara sees me naked she might forgive me. Say, wasn't it terribly boring in that crate?
Saffron: Nah. I found this bobble-headed geisha doll to play with. Anyway...

Saffron: So, this is the plan...
Simon: Ooh, ooh! Does it involve papier mâché?
Saffron: No. Now go lock yourself up before I find out who you are and shop you to the feds.
River: Like Ariel did on Jayne. Or something.
Simon: Aw.

Zoe: I'm just gonna punch Saffron for kicking Wash in the head way back when.
Mal: No! Wait!
Zoe: What?
Mal: I need time to get popcorn!
Zoe: Sigh...

Wash: Okay, here's the plan: We stick Mal and Saffron in a crate, smuggle them into the vault before they run out of air, they do some acrobatics to avoid the sensors on the floor...
Saffron: I thought we'd already done the part with the crate?
Wash: Oops, wrong plan... Ahem. So. Mal and Saffron are gonna waltz in and steal stuff, and the rest of us are gonna try not to fall off the ship while we reprogram the disposal bin they're gonna drop their loot in.
Jayne: We can't fall off the ship anyway. We're in space!
Mal: Yeah, but we're not gonna be in space when we do the job, are we?
Jayne: ...What do we need the spaceship for, then?
Mal: Look, that's not the important question. The important question is, do we get to play dressup?
Kaylee: No.
Mal: Aw.

Kaylee: Look, we're wearing goggles!
Jayne: Yeah. I like google.
Kaylee: ...Huh?
Jayne: Aren't we supposed to be doing something technobabbly?
Kaylee: Yeah... Um, reprogrammming the bin, rerouting auxiliary power to main life-support, technobabble, technobabble, lalala...
Jayne: Uh oh. I feel faint.
Kaylee: Oh no. All that technobabble must have put too much strain on his cerebrum, causing it to overload... and I appear to be unable to talk normally anymore.

Saffron: Honey, I'm home!
Mal: What?
Durran: My darling wife, you're back!
Mal: Huh?
Saffron: Oh, don't worry, this is just a little distraction so I can explore my history and character. We'll steal his laser gun in a minute.
Mal: Hey, no fair! I want character development! I'm the lead!
Saffron: Meh. Wait for the movie.
Mal: Okay, but this had better not be another one of your evil tricks...

Book: O! Jayne is hurt!
Simon: Um, yeah. Bring him to the infirmary, and I will make him... better.
Book: Okie-dokie.

Mal: Psychobabble, psychobabble...
Saffron: Argh! Stop it! You'll make my head explode! On second thought, I'll just blow yours off.
Durran: Hey! I don't want brains splattered all over my antiques, thank you very much. Those donuts over there are very valuable.
Saffron: Ooh, donuts!
Mal: I'll just use this moment of distraction to throw this laser gun in the garbage...

Zoe: Hurry up Kaylee, or we'll be squished by the trash can!
Kaylee: It is not possible for me to re-insert the plate at this altitude.
Zoe: Wash! Up!
Kaylee: Ah, success! Excellent.

Durran: I've called the cops.
Mal: And exactly what good will they do, in such close proximity to donuts?
Durran: Oh, drat. I didn't think of that.

Mal: Annnnnd we've escaped. Isn't that nice? Gives me time for more psychobabble.
Saffron: No! Can't you just let me betray you already?
Mal: Well, okay.
Saffron: Excellent. Take off your clothes.
Mal: What? Now?
Saffron: I did say Inara would see you naked.
Mal: Well, yes, but I thought it would be, you know... in her shuttle. With, like, incense, and tea and stuff.
Saffron: You can wear these fishnet stockings if you want.
Mal: I think I'll stick with the nekkidness.

Wash: Oh no! Saffron's sabotaged the ship! Again!
Zoe: Meh. I didn't want to have to dig through garbage anyway.

Inara: Hey, Saffron, I've already found the laser gun in the trash.
Saffron: Cool, thanks! Hey, wait a min-
Inara: I'm just gonna lock you in the bin now. Have fun.
Saffron: Crap.

Simon: I'm gonna be nice to you, even though you betrayed us.
River: I'm gonna make eerie threat-type things.
Jayne: Eek!

Mal: Look, I'm sitting on a rock in the desert, nekkid! Hi Inara!
Inara: Hi. Look, there's the ship!
Kaylee: Ooh, the captain's nekkid! Hey! I can talk normally again! Thanks, Cappy!
Mal: And all was right with the world...
(Nekkid Mal walks up the ramp at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 6, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Josephina Delahaye.