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Five-Minute "The Message"

by Jade

Kaylee: It's about time for you to insult me again, Simon. I don't think I've been really mad at you since "Jaynestown"!
Simon: Okay... um, you're prettier than this dead cow fetus.
Kaylee: Ew. Yep, that'll do.

Inara: But I wanna be a criminal! Stealing that laser gun was fun! Waaaah!
Mal: Ooh... continuity!

Amnon: You've got mail.
Mal: Ooh! I wonder if it's those extra baggy pants I ordered!
Zoe: Nope, just a dead army buddy. Pity, I was hoping it would be my pink frilly nightdress.
Mal: Oh-kay...

Jayne: My mommy sent me an orange knitted bobble hat. Ain't it cool?
All: Sure, Jayne. Sure...

Lots of Stuff: KABOOM!
Mal: Ooh, flashback.
Zoe: And look, here's our not-yet-dead army buddy!
Tracey: Hi.

Tracey: And now I'm dead again. Aw.
Amnon: Get that corpse outta here! It really stinks!
Jayne: So we would want to take it with us... why?
Mal: 'Cause.
Jayne: Ah.

Recording of Tracey's Voice: I suck, so I'm probably gonna die, so when I do, could you take my body and present it to the great Illy-- I mean, take it back to my home so I can be buried there. Okay, thanks!
Wash: I'll prepare the sacrificial alt-- I mean, I'll set a course... for home. Well, his home, at any rate.

Womack: Tell me where the dead guy is. Or else.
Amnon: Oh, Mal took him.
Womack: Aw, you didn't let me threaten you properly!
Amnon: Meh.

Recording of Tracey's Voice: I suck, and I'm probably gonna die...
Kaylee: Aww! I wub the dead guy!

Book: River, why are you lying on the coffin?
River: I'm waiting for the dead guy to rise from the grave.
Jayne: Why? He ain't a vampire or nothin'.
River: No, not today...
Jayne: You're crazy.
River: Well, duh.

Mal: Ooh, reminiscing!
Zoe: Yeah, Tracey did something funny once.
Inara: Uh... cool?

Serenity: Shake a little, shake a little, shake the little people...
Mal: Hey, you almost made me drop my alcohol! In front of Inara! She'll think I can't hold my drink!
Serenity: Ha ha, very funny... anyway, it's all that guy's fault for firing warning shots.
Womack: Hi.

Womack: Gimme my dead guy!
Mal: Nope.

Mal: Doc, cut this guy open.
Simon: You mean Jayne?
Mal: No, the dead guy.
Simon: Aw.

Simon: Now Dead Guy, don't worry, I'm just gonna cut you up and take a look at your insides...
Tracey: No, wait! I'm alive! I'M ALIVE!
Simon: Dammit.

Tracey: Yeah, they took out my organs and paid me to carry these SuperOrgans™ inside me to a clinic where they would put my own back in... except then someone else said they would pay me even more if I took them someplace else instead... and then it all got screwed up.
Zoe: So how were you gonna get your own organs back if you weren't gonna give the SuperOrgans™ back to the people who had them?
Tracey: Huh. Yeah. Didn't think of that.
Kaylee: That's so cute!

Womack: Dude, I'm getting impatient. WHERE'S MY DEAD GUY?
Mal: Uh... hey, look over there!
Womack: What? Where?
Serenity: Whoosh! Heehee, can't catch me!
Womack: Darn.

Serenity: Hey, I can run and I can hide!
Womack: Not for long! I will drop these technobabbly thingies and find you!
Serenity: Drat.

Book: Well, we could always surrender.
Mal: Hmm...
Tracey: No! Never give up, never surrender! Now, somebody shoot me!
Zoe: Why?
Tracey's Gun: BANG!
Wash: Hey, that stung!
Tracey: That's why.
Zoe: Oh. Okay.
Zoe's Gun: BANG!
Tracey: OW! Okay, now to take Kaylee hostage!

Kaylee: Eek! Not cute! What are you doing?
Tracey: I have absolutely no idea!
Mal: Guess you won't mind getting shot again, then.
Tracey: Yes, actually, I would mi--
Mal's Gun: BANG!
Mal: Oop, too late. Never mind, eh?

Womack: Okay, where are my SuperOrgans™?
Mal: They kinda got broken.
Womack: Oh. Never mind, then.

Tracey: GAK!
All: Aw.

Tracey's Family: Thanks for coming to the funeral, guys.
Tracey: Wait, so I'm really dead now? That sucks!
(Tracy is buried (reluctantly) at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 19, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Josephina Delahaye.