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Five-Minute "Ariel"

by Jade

Wash: Hey look. A chunk of everyday life.
River: Ooh, chunks... I want me a chunk of Jayne.
Jayne: Weeell, I guess I shouldn't deny a request from such a pretty la-- OW!

Jayne: Right, that's it! I say we abandon 'em again.
Mal: No! Remember Book getting shot? Remember the "O!"s?
Jayne: Yeah, but I think the "OW"s outweigh the "O"s in this situation.
Mal: Well, I don't. So nyeh.

Inara: Well, away I go for my "medical examination"...
Kaylee: Why the quotation marks?
Inara: Because the "medical examination" is just an excuse for us to visit Ariel. What I'm really going to do is go on my annual shopping trip. I mean, have you seen my wardrobe? Does it look like I buy my clothes in some cheap shop on the Rim?
Kaylee: Well, sometimes it looks like you made your clothes out of cheap rugs you bought on the Rim. Does that count?

Jayne: I'm boooored.
Simon: Don't worry, I have a cunning plan.
Kaylee: To cure River?
Simon: To cure boredom. We're gonna steal stuff.
Zoe: How?
Simon: Well, you know, we walk into this hospital and steal stuff. Like, expensive medicine and stuff! It'll be fun!
Mal: Don't you think you should think this through a little more?
Simon: Dammit Captain, I'm a doctor, not a criminal mastermind!

Simon: Okay, new plan: We play dressup and build our own ambulance.
Mal: Out of papier mâché?
Simon: No! Out of Lego blocks.

Simon: Plan three: River and I die.
Mal: Now that sounds like a good plan!
Simon: Then we wake up again.
Mal: Drat.

Simon: Okay, in order for this to work you need to learn this limerick off by heart: "There was once a man with some muscle, who cows and stuff did like to rustle. But sadly his brain, did cause him some pain; it had shrunk through too many a tussle."
Zoe: What's the point of this, again?
Simon: It annoys Jayne, and that's all the point I need.

Simon: I'm going to kill you now.
River: Okay.

Wash: Okay, coming in to land on Coruscant. I mean Ariel.

Zoe: Hey, we really can just walk into this hospital and steal stuff! Coolness.
Jayne: "Man called Jayne, had a brain..." Nope, that ain't right...
Zoe: ...If Jayne doesn't screw it up.

Jayne: Betraying, betraying, lalala... hey, check out the hot girl in the Blue Su-- Oooh, money!

Jayne: I see dead people!
River: That's 'cause we're in a morgue, peabrain. Hey look, I'm alive again!
Simon: Me *cough* too! *cough*
River: Bleurgh!
Jayne: Why is it that bringin' folk back from the dead always involves someone throwin' somethin' up?

River: Simon, save that guy's life.
Simon: River, I'm a doctor, not a doct-- Oh. Right.

Doctor: Hey! Did you two walk into this hospital to steal stuff?
Mal: Um, no?
Doctor: Then how come you're wearing a black and white striped shirt and have a mask covering your eyes?
Defib Paddles: ZAP!
Doctor: GAK!
Zoe: I told you that wasn't the kind of dressup Simon meant.

Simon: Behold, the Brain-Looker-Atter!
Jayne: Looks like a dentist's chair to me. And why is this room so big and white if the brain thingy is practically the only thing in it?
Simon: Because some people have really big brains. But you wouldn't know anything about that. Your brain looks like a piece of popcorn.
Jayne: Hey! I like popcorn. Don't go insulting it!

Zoe: Stealing, stealing, lalala...
Mal: This medicine is like liquid gold! Except not gold colored. And liquid gold doesn't come in little bottles that say stuff like "Propoxine" or "Hydrozepam" on the labels. Also, liquid gold --
Zoe: Sir, shut up.
Mal: Okay.

Simon: Look at the pretty picture of River's brain! Isn't it cute?
Jayne: Whatever. We have to go now, I've got me some betrayin' to do.
River: Isn't it cool how the picture of my brain flashes when Jayne lies?
Jayne: Isn't it even cooler how Simon doesn't notice?

Police Officer: You three! You're under arrest.
Simon: Drat.
Jayne: Hey! You evil cop betrayer guy! Don't you know that betrayal is not cool? I mean, I would never... oh wait, I would. Drat.

Simon: Being manhandled by cops is no fun.
River: How's about some crazy but also eerie talk vaguely suggesting that I know that Jayne betrayed us? Would that cheer you up?
Jayne: No.

Zoe: They're late.
Mal: Jayne would want to get back as fast as possible to get his money. Something must be wrong.
Kaylee: Maybe he stopped to feed the ducks.
Wash: What?
Kaylee: Well, these police-type people whose private conversation I hacked into are talking about duc-- Ohh, wait. This may be a secret code...

Jayne: More manhandling. Great. Everyone agree it's time to escape?
Simon: Yep.
Jayne: Good, let's start by beating up these guar-- OW! He bit me! Why is it that everyone wants a chunk of me today?

Blue Hand Guys' Ship: Oooh, I am ominous! Fear me!

Blue Hand Guys: We are the Blue Hand Guys, bringers of much blood and death. We seek River. Fear us!
Police Officer: Um.
Blue Hand Guys: Not fast enough with the fear, buster. DIE!
Police Officer: Ew. My face looks like it's part of a fountain or something. A fountain of blood! Ew. Oh, and GAK!

River: Aaaah! Run!
Blue Hand Guys: See, now that's the kind of fear we're talking about!

Jayne: Here, let me use my stolen high-tech Alliance weapon to break open the door.
Stolen High-Tech Alliance Weapon: Zfzzt.
Door: Haha! See how I'm not broken open?
Zoe's Gun: BANG!
Door: Okay, maybe I was tempting fate.

Inara: I'm back!
Mal: Us too. What's that you're carrying?
Inara: Oh, nothing.
Mal: Hey, how come that bag says "Gucci" on it?
Inara: It doesn't! Hey, look at Simon admiring Jayne.
Simon: I lubb Jayne, he saved us. Bless his sudden but not completely unexpected un-betrayal! Jayne, can I hug you?
Jayne: No! Get away from me!
Mal: Good idea. Everyone leave so I can hit Jayne over the head without any of you knowing about it.
Jayne: What do you mean, hit Jayne over the -- OW!

Jayne: Well, at least there were no chunks that time...
Mal: I Know What You Did Last -- well, last hour or so, I guess. I'm gonna let you get sucked out the airlock as punishment.
Jayne: I'm sorry!
Mal: Whatever. Buh-bye now.
Jayne: Mal, wait! You have to let me in! Whose skull will you smuggle stuff in if it's not mine? Everyone else's brains are too big!
Mal: Hmm. I hadn't thought of that. Oh well, I guess I'll have to keep you.
Jayne: Woo! Hooray for me and my popcorn brain. It finally came in useful.

River: River draw a pwetty picter.
Simon: Okay River, time for your medicine.
River: Can I have a spoonful of sugar with it?
Simon: Sure, I guess...
(A spoonful of sugar helps River's medicine go down at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 1, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Josephina Delahaye.