Five-Minute "Serenity"
by Zeke

Bendis: There's just too many of 'em!
Mal: You hang in there, Bendis! ...Wait, "Bendis"? That explains how Joss got that job at Marvel.
Bendis: But the Alliance is so powerful! The weapons they use against the army and the navy....
Mal: Maybe they can burn the land and boil the sea, but no matter what, they can't take --
Zoe: Isn't that our air support flying away and abandoning us?
Mal: You know, on second thought, the sky can kiss my @$$.

Six Years Later....
Mal: Ahem.
Oh. Um... Six Dang Ol' Belly-Crawlin' Years Later, Pardner....
Mal: Better.

Jayne: Stealing, stealing, la la la la la....
Mal: How many damn times I gotta tell you not to sing on the job?
Jayne: Can't handle a little talent, huh? Or are ya just jealous 'cause you can only sing soprano?
Zoe: Well, this is about as much fun as a bar fight. Why do I hang out with you guys again?

Wash's Stegosaurus: Grr! Arrgh! I shall -- hey, is that a blip on the radar?
Wash: Uh oh. We got an Alliance cruiser comin' in, Captain!
Mal: (over the comm) Crybaby, Wash!
Wash: But... but I'm not a... WAAAA!
Mal: Sigh. I knew we shoulda given that thing a different name.

Alliance Captain: We'll teach those scavengers to --
Alliance Officer: Sir, we're picking up an urgent distress call from the carrier Kobayashi Maru!
Alliance Captain: (sigh) I hate scenarios like this. Very well, set a course, but send out a bulletin about that Firefly.
Alliance Officer: Aye, sir. Cortex, Usenet, or just nailing wanted posters to people we don't like?

Jayne: Woo! That went great.
Mal: (closing crate) ...Yeah. Great.
Zoe: Are you --
Mal: Nothing's wrong with the stuff we stole!
Zoe: -- feeling down about our life of crime again?
Mal: Oh. Yes, yes I am. Crime's a downer. Especially when there's nothing wrong with the stuff you steal.

Wash: When are you finally gonna tell Mal we need a break? All this pressure you're under --
Zoe: Most of it is pressure from you to take a break.
Wash: Exactly! As soon as you take one, the pressure goes away. It's just what you need.
Zoe: (sigh) Have you told Inara we're coming yet?
Wash: Oh, she knows when --
Inara: (over the comm) No! We are NOT doing this segue. I'm skipping to the scene afterwards.
Wash: Aw.

Inara: That was wonderful. I'm really enjoying our time together.
Young Man: Me too! It's a shame I just ran out of money. We -- Inara? Where did you... you were just...
Tumbleweed: (blows through)

Wash: Nice to finally be somewhere we probably won't get killed.
Jayne: Ha! In yer job, you'd be the last one on this ship to die. Now me --
Kaylee: Can we get some passengers here, Captain? I like passengers! Passengers passengers passengers.
Mal: Yeah, you do that. I gotta go see a man about a badger.

Ship Crewman: You! Our ship is just what you're lookin' for.
Book: How do you know that? I haven't even said anything yet.
Ship Crewman: That's true. On the other hand, I really like money.
Book: I think I'll keep looking. Don't worry, you don't want me anyway. I'm mysterious and complicated.

Mal: Got our pay?
Badger: I'm afraid that won't be happening. See, here I am waiting patiently for you to arrive, when one of my people runs up to me. "Badger! Badger! Badger! Badger! Badger! Badger! Badger! Badger! Badger! Badger! Badger! Badger!" he says. "What is it, Mushroom?" I say. He tells me about this bulletin --
Mal: Crap. You know about the Alliance imprinting, huh?
Badger: And as such, you get nothing. So sorry.
Jayne: Snake! Snake! Snaaaaaaaake!
Mal: Shaddup, Jayne. You're right but you're not helping.

Kaylee: I know that look -- you don't care where you're going. Runnin' from the law, right?
Book: I see you're the perceptive sort. What are your rates?
Kaylee: We can make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs!
Book: Tell you what... unless you're the captain or the pilot, I'm in.

Jayne: We can't just not get paid! If we don't get paid, then I don't get paid! And if I don't get paid, then I kill Wash and sell his organs!
Mal: Hmm. How much do organs go for?
Zoe: Mal!
Mal: Just kidding. We'll find another buyer. (to Jayne) Look into it.

Kaylee: Got us some passengers! A preacher, a doctor, and a shifty-lookin' guy who's clearly got something to hide.
Mal: Now wait just a damn minute here! A preacher?
Kaylee: Yeah, I know you hate religion for some reason, but it's okay. He has a funny name.

Mal: Welcome to Serenity. I'm Captain Reynolds, and I'll be takin' you to Boros. (Eventually.)
Simon: Did you say eventu--
Mal: Whoops, out of time! I gotta go do captain stuff. My lovely assistant will explain the rest.
Kaylee: The seatbelts work like so. (click) In the event of a drop in cabin pressure, these masks will drop from the ceiling shortly after we're all sucked into space....

Inara: We have a Shepherd now? I'll keep that in mind next time I feel sheepish.
Book: Pleased to meet you. And who might you be?
Mal: She's Inara. Brightens the place up, don't she? Pity she's a wh--
Inara: HEY! How dare you give him a completely accurate description of the work I'm supposedly not ashamed of? Jerk! (storms off)
Kaylee: And don't you go callin' me a mechanic, neither!

Book: For what we are about to receive, make us --
Mal: Just keep chewing, preacher man.
Kaylee: So Simon, what's it like bein' a doctor?
Jayne: (snort) She just wants to know what it's like bein' in a doctor's pants.
Mal: Shut up, Jayne.
Jayne: No no, lemme explain. See, his pants are where you find his --
Mal: That's it! Get out! Nobody impugns the honour of the ladies on this ship but me!

Inara: Come to impugn my honour?
Book: Nope, just bringing food. Why do you put up with him, anyway?
Inara: Well... he's sort of mysterious.
Book: I get that.
Inara: And there's UST. Boy is there UST. Enough UST to --
Book: Oookay, that's my cue to exit unless we're going to call this confession.

Wash: Gaa! Someone just sent our location to the Alliance!
Mal: That doesn't sound so bad. We should already be pretty far from --
Wash: Our location and speed.
Mal: Well, we're screwed. Unless --
Wash: Direction too.
Mal: Damn! That scum thought of everything!

Simon: Traitor? I haven't seen any traitor. Especially not in this big secret box I brought aboard.
Mal: Well, aren't you a smart one? Smart enough to think of everything, maybe?
Book: He's not the traitor, Captain.
Mal: Well, aren't you a smart one? Smart enough to --
Dobson: Oh, for God's sake, it's me!

Mal: So you're a spy!
Dobson: No, that doctor's a fugitive and you're harbouring him!
Mal: Harbouring? I didn't sign up for any damn harbouring!
Simon: Don't yell at me, he's the one who has you at gunpoint!
Book: Will you all just calm down before somebody gets --
(BLAM)
Kaylee: GAK!
Mal: Okay, that was unexpected.

Simon: I can save her. But not unless you run from that Alliance carrier.
Mal: You'd let her die just to keep us from letting you die? That's heartless!
Simon: And letting me die is...?
Mal: Mostly heartless. But fine, we'll run. Now save Kaylee!
Kaylee: ...You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out... hey, are you the Walrus?
Simon: I'll save her body. The mind may be beyond my skills.

Book: Don't you dare kill this man!
Jayne: Who asked you, preach? Get outta my way or --
Zoe: Back off, Jayne. ...But seriously, Book, who did ask you?
Dobson: Even I was wondering who asked him.
Book: Oh, hush.

Simon: I've done all I can.
Mal: So you're free now? Great! Let's open your mystery box!
Simon: Nooooo! Where's Book when you need to stop people from doing stuff?

Mal: Well. Not to step on your line, Doc, but it's a girl.
Simon: I know. This is my sister, River.
Jayne: Oh, for crud's sake, now that's a proper noun too? At this rate we'll have to call off Scrabble Night completely!
River: Zzzz... wha? AAAAAAAAAA!
Simon: Shh! It's okay, River! Don't panic!
Zoe: Towel?

Simon: River is smarter than everyone in this room, including me. And that's saying a lot because I'm smarter than everyone in this room excluding me.
Jayne: Can I hit him? I wanna hit him.
Simon: She was so thrilled when she got that scholarship to the Alliance Academy of Higher Learning and Mind Control....
Mal: Wait wait, slow down. You were saying you two are smart?
Simon: She found ways to tell me she was in trouble, and finally I was able to break her out. Now I'm trying to keep her safe from the Alliance.
Zoe: And you chose a run-down ship full of suspicious types for this?
Simon: Yes.
Mal: Go back to the smart part.

Wash: So what now?
Mal: We dump the Wonder Twins at the next chance, unless Kaylee dies, in which case we kill 'em.
Inara: If you kill them, I quit!
Book: Me too!
Simon: You monster! You're just like the Alliance!
Mal: Oh, you didn't! (POW)
Wash: Uh... I was just wondering where to point the ship....

Jayne: Here's how it's gonna work: you tell me what you told the Alliance, an' then I torture you.
Dobson: First interrogation, huh? You know, if you were to help me turn in those fugitives, it could really work out well for you, if you know what I mean.
Jayne: Ha! I'd never sell out the captain. -- Wait, would there be money involved?
Dobson: Sigh.

Wash: Uh... sir? I don't want to alarm you, but there's... um... (whispers) Reavers.
Mal: REAVERS? Oh crap! All hands, we got Reavers! Reeeeeeeavers!
Wash: So what do we do?
Mal: Well, first of all, we don't panic.

Simon: Reavers... I can't believe it. Back home, everyone's convinced they don't exist.
Zoe: It's the greatest trick those devils ever pulled.

Wash: Thank God! There they go.
Mal: So it's true... they do ignore you until they consider you a treat.
Wash: Good thing I glued that AC/DC poster to the hull.
Mal: Huh?
Wash: To show that we have bad taste.

Kaylee: Don't be too hard on Simon. I know it's his fault I got shot... and he used my life as a bargaining chip... but... um... yeah.
Mal: Wow. You do wanna get in his pants.

Inara: Here you go: my standard Companion medical kit.
Simon: Thanks. I'll see what I can do for Kaylee with... uh, there's nothing in here but prophylactics.
Inara: Not good enough for you? Who are you, the College of Cardinals?
Mal: You're wastin' yer time anyway. Kaylee's dead.
Simon: NOOOOOOO! (runs off)
Inara: You are such a prick.
Mal: Language, Ambassador!
Inara: (sigh) "Varmint."

Mal: MAN, that was funny.
Wash: And when Simon ran in to revive Kaylee and electroshocked her till she almost was dead?
Mal: That was less funny. Call up Patience, would you?
Patience: (over the comm) Hello, Mal. I hear you have some goods to sell me. You don't mind if I kill you afterwards, do you?
Mal: Not a bit. See you shortly.
Zoe: Uh, Mal....
Mal: I heard! I admire honesty in a person.

Simon: I see we're on Whitefall. This is where you kick me off, right?
Mal: Ehh, it can wait till after I meet with Patience.
Wash: Patience... you know, that reminds me of a joke. This man and his donkey are walking through the desert, and the donkey says --
Mal: (Let's just leave him with Simon. I'm sure you've heard all Wash's jokes a hundred times.)
Zoe: (Nah, he learned fast not to trouble me with 'em more than once each.)

Book: Lawman, I'm going to free you before they --
Dobson: (BASH) Who asked you?
Book: For God's sake, I just let you out of your cell!
Dobson: Yes, well... (BASH BASH BASH)
Book: O....

Mal: As you can see, these are top-of-the-line foodstuffs. You ever wonder why the Alliance packages 'em to look like gold bricks?
Patience: I'm sure it's convenient for somebody. Shall we proceed to the killin'?
Mal: Now's as good a time as any. Jayne, snipe away!
Jayne: (over the comm) Kin this wait a minute, Captain? I'm really enjoyin' this view of you through the crosshairs.
Mal: The misdirection's managed -- don't overplay it.

Mal, Zoe, and Jayne's Guns: BANG BANG BANG
Patience's Men's Guns: BANG BANG BANG
Ghost Riders in the Sky: Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yo....
Dogies: (roll)

Wash: So they walk a little farther, and again the donkey says "Master, when may I drink?" And the man replies, "Patience, jackass, patience." So they walk a little --
Kaylee: (over the comm) The lawman just stole River!
Simon: Dammit! (runs off)
Wash: How? You can't dam a river unless it's there. (Man, I gotta tell Zoe that one.)

Mal: I'm gonna let you live, Patience, 'cause that's what separates me from you. But don't you ever --
Patience: (yawn)
Zoe: Guess your patience is exhausted, Mal.
Mal: I knew it was a bad idea to let you marry that guy. Now let's --
Wash: (over the comm) AAAAAA! Reavers! Reeeeeavers!
Mal: Crap! We gotta get back fast. Better take the horses.
Jayne: Oh, come on. Horses? Is this the flippin' future or ain't it?
Zoe: Afraid of 'em, huh?
Jayne: They kick me in my dreams....

Dobson: I've got you two this time! Nothing can save you now!
Mal's Gun: BANG
Simon: Wow. Did he want that to happen?

Mal: Get us outta here, Wash!
Wash: He's on my tail! I can't shake him! Biggs, where are you?
Zoe: I think what we need here might be technobabble, not references.
Wash: Good idea. Somebody get Kaylee in the engine room.
Mal: Jayne, go help her. Inara, get everybody else to your shuttle just in case. And Wash, stay on target!

Kaylee: You need to put the framastat in the capacitator...
Book: This thing?
Kaylee: Yeah. Now Jayne, turn the rhesus dial about 90 degrees...
Jayne: Aw man, that's gonna take forever! (sigh) One... two... three...

Kaylee: (over the comm) Ready for full burn!
Wash: Let's do it!
Atmosphere: FWOOOOOOOOSH
Zoe: Wow... did we just take the sky from them?
Mal: Yep. 'Scuse me while I kiss the sky.

An' so the good ship Serenity did keelhaul the scurvy Reavers an' escape to fairer shores. Yarrr.
Mal: Now you're just pissing me off.

River: I never thought you'd save me....
Simon: Don't be silly. I couldn't have passed up the chance to be the smart one of us.
River: I'm still smart!
Simon: You're eating one of my shoes.
River: Am not. (Mmm. Shoey.)

Book: It's so hard to tell right from wrong on this ship. Maybe I don't belong here.
Inara: Nah. You should just be more careful opening cell doors from now on.
Book: Thank you, Inara. I really appreciate --
Inara: Who asked you?

Wash: And the man replies, "Patience, jackass, patience." So they walk a little farther and... oh, for God's sake! Are you ever gonna interrupt me?
Simon: What? Why?
Wash: You're supposed to ask if this joke is ever going to go anywhere! And then I say "Patience, jackass, patience!"
Simon: That would be pretty rude of both of us.
Wash: Mal, is it too late to change my vote on whether we kill him?

Mal: That lawman offered you a deal, didn't he? How come you didn't take it?
Jayne: He wanted to pay in strawberries. Who the crap does that? Don't you worry, Captain -- I'd never betray you except for money, guns, hookers, or beer.
Mal: An' if you're ever offered a sidearm by a rich, drunken lady of the night?
Jayne: That'll be a damn interesting day.

Mal: Been thinkin'. How would you and your sister like to stay with us?
Simon: You'd let us stay after all the trouble we've been?
Mal: Well, I'm generous when Kaylee's threatenin' to dismantle our engine. Besides, I've had a good day.
Simon: A good day? You barely survived it!
Mal: An' a bunch of folks I didn't like didn't. That's good enough for me.
(Serenity flies into the sunset at Twangy Speed)

THE END

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