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Five-Minute "The Train Job"

by Derek Dean

Lund: The Independents are just sagging old geezers, who are only fit to be operating a garbage scow.
Mal: Laddie, don't you think you should rephrase that?
Lund: You're right. I didn't mean to say that Independents should be hauling garbage --
Lund: Ow! What was that for?
Mal: Sorry, that was the punchline, wasn't it?

Mal: Click? As in a gun click?
Lund: Heh heh. Yep.
Lund: Whoosh? As in a ship whoosh?
Mal: Heh heh. Yep.

Simon: So you didn't draw any Alliance attention in your little bar brawl, did you?
Mal: Nah, it was just a fight between me and some gorram Alliance-supporters.
Simon: ...And again I ask.

Book: As the show's conscience, I have to ask you something about River.
Mal: You want to know why I'm harboring two Alliance fugitives when I'm trying to stay out of the Alliance's way, right?
Book: No, actually, I was wondering: What's she doing on this ship?! Won't she try to kill us?

Niska: Allow me to introduce myself, I am Adelai Niska, 'verse-famous crime lord and Boris Badenov impersonator.
Mal: Um, great. You want us to rob a train?
Niska: But of course! How else we have space western without train heist?
Mal: Exactly my thoughts on bar brawls.

Zoe: You know Niska's insane, right? He actually talks to the stuffed moose head on the wall.
Mal: I don't really care about whether he's insane; all I care about is if we can steal this cargo from the no-good, freedom-taking, grumble-grumble Alliance.
Zoe: Um...
Mal: Don't tell me; there's a whole squadron of them behind me, right?
Alliance Soldiers: Hi.

Simon: So what exactly is going on here?
Kaylee: We're going to lower Jayne on to the train and he'll get the stuff.
Simon: Anything I can do to help?
Jayne: Look, Doc, you just stay out of my ruttin' way and maybe I won't kill you in your sleep or sell you back to the Alliance, dong ma?
Simon: All except for dong ma.

Mal: All right. Got the boxes. Now we just need to get out of here.
Fed: HALT!
Zoe: Quick! Drop the canister of smoke!
Jayne: Up, up and -- my leg!
Zoe: I don't think he saw us escape. That went well.
Mal: Oh yeah. It was a gas.

Ensign: Sir, do you want to hear the report about the medicine being stolen from Paradiso?
Officer: No.
Ensign: Can the Sheriff of Paradiso borrow some of the regiment to conduct his investigation?
Officer: No.
Ensign: And can I get a Capital One No Hassle Rewards Card?
Officer: No.
Ensign: I see. And on this crossword puzzle, four letters, "Be aware of"?
Officer: Know.

Jayne: Alright, I'm in ruttin' command, so all of you do what I say.
Kaylee: How you figure that?
Jayne: 'Cause my name's next in the credits after Mal and Zoe.
Wash: Actually, I think --
Jayne: And my first order is to go make the round-day view with Niska's men.
Simon: "Round-day view?"
Jayne: And my second order is not to amputate my leg when getting that bullet out.
Simon: Okay, I think I can fix things up by going through the groin --

Bourne: Mr. and Mrs. Raymond? Which of you is which?
Mal: Aw, crap. Am I playing the husband or the wife this time?
Zoe: Sir, you're here with me, not Jayne.
Mal: That doesn't answer the question!
Bourne: There some problem, folks?
Mal: Um, no, no of course not, officer. We're just a young married couple looking for work.
Bourne: Riiight.

Jayne: Time to meet up with Niska's men, okay?
Wash: Not okay! If you think I'll turn my back on my own wife....
Jayne: Do you know what the "Chain of Command" is? It's that crappy episode I'm going to tie you to a chair and force you to watch if you don't take off... and go... into the lights.
Wash: Lights? Huh? How many lights?
Jayne: Five... Twelve.... Seventy-five -- what lights?
Wash: You drugged Jayne? Why?
Simon: Well, he was sort of like our guide, so I figured I'd go all out and make him a doped semi-conductor.
Kaylee: You spent way too much time thinking that up.

Inara: Mal and Zoe, time to leave.
Bourne: What? You can't just do that!
Inara: I can do whatever I want; I'm a Companion.
Bourne: Point.

Crow: I come for Mr. Niska's property.
Mal: Yeah, about that, see, we're going to return it to the -- SUR--
Crow: Hey!
Mal: Jinx! 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10, Jinx!
Crow: What? What is Jinx?
Mal: No talking. (PUNCH!)
Crow: But --

Mal: Okay, we'll have to drag 'em from here so we can be all stealthy.
Bourne: Not stealthy enough. Alright, boys, take the medicine off their craft and drag it back to town.
Deputy: Sir, since they don't need to worry about being stealthy, can't they just drive the medicine into town?
Bourne: What? Insubordination?
Mal: Just to be clear, I didn't shoot the sheriff or the deputy.

Mal: Now I want you to return this money to Niska since we didn't get the stuff he wanted, okay?
Crow: Okay.
Mal: You're still jinxed.
Mal: Right. Forgot about that being on.

Mal: Well, that went well. I got stabbed, shot at, and made a recurring enemy for life. How about River?
Simon: Crazy, but she seems to be trying to foreshadowing some recurring enemies too.
Mal: Shiny. This show needs all the enemies it can get. Except the network of course.

Blue Hand 1: We're looking for this girl. You seen her?
Officer: No.
Ensign: Is it cold in here? Your hands look positively blue. Oh well, "cold hands, warm heart," right?
Blue Hand 2: Right, except we're "Blue Hands, no heart."
(Ominous foreshadowing happens at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 19, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Derek Dean.