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Five-Minute "Bushwhacked"

by Jade

Ball: Bounce bounce bounce.
Wash: Woo, score!
Ball: Bounce bounce bounce.
Kaylee: Woo, score!
Ball: Bounce, bounce... gosh, this is tiring... bounce bounce bounce...

Inara: How's River?
Simon: She's okay, but she still won't tell me what they did to her at the academy.
Inara: They were training her to be a Starfleet officer, presumably. Duh.
Simon: Inara, we're not in the Trekverse.
Inara: Oh yeah? How can you tell?
Simon: You're not wearing spandex.

Wash: Oops, must've left the door open again. Lemme go check.
Random Dead Person Floating Around in Space: SPLAT!
Wash: Hey! It's supposed to be the firefly that gets squashed on the person's windshield, not the other way around!

Ball: Bounce, boun--
Serenity: BOUNCE!
Ball: Hey, no fair!

Wash: Hey look, a random ship to go with the random dead person. Must be a special offer.
Book: We should go see if the other random people on that random ship are randomly dead too.
Jayne: I say we let sleeping dogs lie.
Mal: Nah, I wanna steal stuff!
Jayne: Okay, yeah, that plan's better.

Simon: I wanna go on the mission.
Jayne: But they're wearing space suits.
Simon: Oh. In that case I don't wanna go on the mission.
Jayne: Wuss.

Mal: Okay, food on the tables, unfinished log... is there anything else we need to make it overly obvious that whatever happened here was sudden?
Zoe: Well, we could mention that everything was left turned on and the ship powered down on its own, but apart from that we're good.
Mal: Excellent.

Jayne: Simon, you have to come on the mission now. Here's your space suit.
Simon: Eek! I'm such a wuss.

Mal: What are you doing here?
Simon: Uh, Jayne said I had to put on this space suit and come on the mission.
Kaylee: Well, you don't need to do either. Also, that's not a space suit. You're wearing my bathrobe and have a soup bowl over your head.
Simon: Drat.
Jayne: Wuss.

River: I go walkies on spooky ship. Interrupt Mal's stealing of stuff. Cause much worry and annoyance. I rock.

Mal: Hey look, stuff to steal.
Zoe: What are you doing here?
Hoshi: I'm screaming at the grim sight of corpses hanging from the ceiling. It's what I do. Besides, none of you guys are big enough wusses.
Simon: Hey! I resent that remark.

Jayne: Man, the food in here is disgusting! Worms... saber-toothed dogs... an-- Oh. Oops. Wrong abandoned galley.
Psychotic Pre-Reaver Guy: Hey, at least you didn't mention leola root.
Jayne: Okay, I'm gonna have to shoot you for saying that.

Jayne: There was this guy, talking about leola root. I shot him.
Mal: I don't blame you.
Simon: Look, he's hiding in there. I can tell by the trail of bread crumbs.
Mal: Simon, that's blood.
Simon: Oh. Oops.
Mal: Hey, don't worry. Leola root is traumatizing.

Psychotic Pre-Reaver Guy: Ooh, infirmary... Reavers... Say spooky stuff... Reavers... Simon doped me... Reavers...
Mal: You know what this means, right? It was Reeeeeaveeeeers!
Simon: Yeah, I think we kinda got that.
Mal: But not with all the extra Es. Makes it spookier.
Zoe: Yes sir. If you say so.

Mal: Jayne, take Book back over to the spooky ship to say some prayers.
Jayne: But I'm scared!
Simon: I'm not. Wuss.

Mal: Okay, now that the others are out of the way we have to defuse this bomb that the Reeeeeaveeeeers left us. Kaylee, think you can do it?
Kaylee: Sure. Just have to cut the right colored wire and it'll all be hunky-dory.
Mal: Um, good?

Pre-Reaver Guy: Grrr.
River: AAAH! I'm halfway across the ship, but still, AAAH!

Kaylee: KABOOM!
Mal: Aaah!
Kaylee: Hehe, fooled you. Now, should I cut the red wire or the blue one? Hmm... maybe I'll compromise and cut the purple one...

Jayne: We're back. Hey, what were you doing?
Mal: Nothing. Certainly not defusing a bomb, nuh-uh.
Jayne: Huh. Okay.
Alarm: KABOOM!
Mal: Aaah!
Alarm: Hehe, fooled you. What I really meant to say was MEEEEP. MEEEEP. MEEEEP.
Mal: Darnit Wash, can't you shut that door properly for once?

Harken: I am authoritative and pompous. Dock with me.
Wash: With you? Ew.
Harken: Dock with my Big Alliance Ship, idiot.
Wash: Oh-kay...

Simon: If the Alliance people find us they'll take River back to the academy. She'll have to learn technobabble and stuff! I can't let that happen!
Inara: I thought you said it wasn't Starfleet Academy?
Simon: Oh yeah. Oops. But still, academy equals bad! Anyway, I want to show what a wuss I'm not by hiding on the side of the ship.

Harken: Soldiers, fly! Search the land, search the water, search the sky!
Alliance Soldier: Sir?
Harken: Okay, just search the ship. For fugitives and loot and psychos and stuff.
Alliance Soldier: Loot, check, psycho, check... couldn't find any fugitives, I'm afraid.
Harken: Ah well. Two out of three ain't bad. You, evil pirate people! You're under arrest for not having fugitives onboard.
Mal: What?
Harken: Well, I really wanted the reward.
Jayne: I hear ya dude, I hear ya.

Harken: So, you're a companion?
Zoe: No sir, that would be Inara.
Harken: Oh. Oops.

Harken: And do you love him?
Inara: Who, Mal? Well, that's a long, complicated sto--
Harken: I mean your husband, Wash?
Inara: My husband? Oh no, that's Zoe.
Harken: Zoe is your husband?
Inara: Would it harm my defense if I knocked you senseless for your stupidity?
Harken: Possibly.
Inara: Darn.

Harken: So, you like dinosaurs.
Wash: Hey, some people juggle geese!

Harken: So you don't think Serenity is junk?
Kaylee: Hey, at least it doesn't look almost exactly the same as a ship from 200 years in the future.
Harken: Um, yeah. I guess.

Harken: Aren't you going to say anything?
Jayne: Hey, silence is golden. And I like gold.

Harken: So you're a preacher?
Book: No. I mean yes! Um, yeah.

Simon: See, I'm not a wuss! I'm stuck to the side of the ship in a space suit!
River: Simon, you stuck yourself on with superglue.
Simon: Well, I wanted to make sure my chances of surviving out here weren't just one in a very large number.
River: And you used sticky tape.
Simon: Yeah, but--
River: And then you chained yourself to it!
Simon: Okay, fine... I'm a wuss.

Harken: I'm just gonna accuse you of murdering the people on that ship and of splitting that psycho guy's tongue down the middle.
Mal: That wasn't me. He's turning himself into a Reeeeeaveeeeer!
Harken: Hmm, why don't I believe you?
Mal: Because he hasn't killed any of your people yet?
Alliance Soldier: Sir, that psycho dude just killed a bunch of our people.
Harken: Hey, you were right! Now I believe you.
Mal: Great. Now I just have to save your life and everything will be hunky-dory.

Simon: Ah, back inside at last.
River: Can we go again?
Simon: No. I ran out of superglue.

Psychotic Pre-Reaver Guy: Grrr, DIE!
Harken: Help!
Mal: Righty-ho.
Psychotic Pre-Reaver Guy: GAK!
Mal: There, now we're even.
Harken: Well, I'm gonna have to keep your loot to pay to get Reaver Guy's blood out of my uniform, but apart from that, yeah.
Mal: Woo.
(The Big Alliance Ship destroys the Random Ship of Death at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 2, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Josephina Delahaye.