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Five-Minute "Shindig"

by Jade

Mal: Hey look, a random bar. With holographic pool balls! Hmm, now why does this remind me of somewhere?
Inara: Hey look, I'm randomly here too!
Jayne: Hey look, I randomly like money.
Inara: That's not random, Jayne, you do that all the time. Mal, would you get me another drink?
Mal: Sure, just let me start a fight with this slave owner first. What's the name of the lady behind the bar, again?
Inara: Sandrine.

Wash: Ooh, sunset as seen from space. Pretty. Oop, hang on, need to avoid crashing the ship.
Zoe: Why?
Wash: Well, generally people don't like to crash ships, unless they're called Troi.
Mal: Or Chakotay!
Wash: Nah. Shuttles don't count.

Inara: Okay, this is confusing. I press these pictures to delete them, but if I press this one in exactly the same way, it plays a video of a hopeful young potential client. Interesting.
Atherton: Oh well, if you can't figure out your own computer display thing you'll just have to choose me. I'll take you to a ball and everything if you do!
Mal: Don't choose him! He's a smarmy creep!
Inara: How can you tell?
Mal: He's British.

Kaylee: I wanna be Cinderella and have a pretty dress like that one.
Mal: Well, you can't. We don't have any glass slippers.
Kaylee: Couldn't we buy some?
Mal: No, I need the money to get some new pants. These ones aren't tight enough.

Badger: Hey, Reynolds! Are you the one that called British people smarmy creeps?
Mal: Uh, yeah?
Badger: Gasp! Unless you do this job for me I'm going to shoot you for that!
Jayne: Why?
Badger: 'Cause I'm not smarmy. I'm just a creep.

Mal: So what does this job entail?
Badger: You have to take Cinderella to the ball and ask this guy if you can have his cows.
Mal: There'll be cows at the ball?
Badger: Real ones? I doubt it. But possibly cows of the human variety.

Atherton: Well, here we are at the ball.
Inara: Ooh, nice gun-scanning device.
Atherton: Thanks. We almost chose the one from Total Recall , but then we decided that seeing people's skeletons would strain our budget, not to mention look gross. Say, why aren't any of these people you're saying hello to responding to you?
Inara: Can't afford to give out any more speaking roles. We spend half our budget on Mal's pants. We keep telling him they're too tight and that's why the seams keep splitting, but he just won't listen.
Atherton: Okay, I'm bored with this story.
Inara: I'm insulted.
Atherton: Meh.

Mal: Cinderella, you shall go to the ball.
Kaylee: How come we have enough money now?
Mal: I sold all my pants with the split seams to some girls. They paid me quite a bit. Called themselves Fillionaires, whatever that means...

Atherton: Inara, move in with me.
Inara: Hey look, it's Kaylee! In a dress that looks like it's made of candy floss!
Atherton: Did you hear what I just said?
Inara: And Mal. Oh dear, his pants are even tighter than usual...
Atherton: Are you ignoring me for some reason?
Inara: No, I'm just trying to figure out a way to give an ambiguous answer.
Atherton: Tell me how handsome I am, that usually works.
Inara: Okay, Atherton, you are as handsome as... um, as a very handsome person.
Atherton: Aw, shucks. You made me blush.

Mal: Well. Here we are. Me in my tight pants, you looking like Little Bo Peep.
Kaylee: Right, and before I go off to find some sheep, just tell me one thing... Does my bum look big in this?

Simon: I don't understand this. We're playing a game with plums on the cards?
Jayne: And if Book's won all these chores that he doesn't have to do, who does have to do them?
Book: I don't care, as long as I win. Nyeh nyeh!
River: Ooh, pretty labels on tins... rip 'em off...
Simon: River, what are you doing?
River: I'm ripping off these labels for the collage on my wall. They'll go great next to the pair of pants I stole from Mal and that big box I first arrived here in.
Simon: You stuck that huge thing on your wall? How did you manage that?
River: Well, remember how you ran out of superglue in the last fiver? Now you know why.

Zoe: Hey, my leg is naked!
Wash: All of you is naked. And all of me, for that matter.
Zoe: And we're lying in bed! What could this possibly mean?
Wash: I don't care. I'm going to write a poem now.
Zoe: Oh yeah?
Wash: Hmm.
Zoe: Well?
Wash: I've just discovered that I'm not very good at poetry. It's a little discouraging when I'm trying to write some.
Zoe: Would a pillow fight cheer you up?
Wash: Ooh! Possibly.

Banning: Hi Kaylee! We're cows.
Cabott: Yep, cows.
Destra and Zelle: Mean cows, that's what we are.
Murphy: Banning, it's so nice how you all speak in harmony... you're a sheep.
Kaylee: Not really the kind I was looking for, though. Darn.

Mal: Hi! Can I have your cows?
Harrow: Um.
Atherton: Hi!
Inara: Hi!
Mal: Whoa, too many people saying hi. Bye!
Inara: Bye!

Mal: Do you tango?
Inara: Not to this music, no.
Mal: Darn. 'Cause that would've been cool.

Bunch of Men: We're sheep! Talk to us!
Kaylee: Ooh. Nice sheep. Okay.

Atherton: Mal, I challenge you to a duel!
Mal: What? Why?
Atherton: You stepped on Inara's foot. She's damaged goods now. See what a creep I am?
Mal: Hey, you don't need to tell me.
Harrow: Or me. Mal, you're going to die a horrible, bloody death. And I'm going to watch, out of the kindness of my heart.
Mal: Uh, thanks. I think.

Badger: Hi! I'm here to provide a convenient way to stop you guys from rescuing Mal.
Jayne: You think we want to rescue Mal?! What in the 'verse gave you that idea?
Zoe: Yeah, if he dies we can have his share.
Jayne: And we want his share.
Badger: Ah.

Inara: Hi.
Mal: Hi! So nice of you to visit me in my prison. Don't suppose you could tell me how to turn this thing on?
Inara: It's a sword, Mal, it doesn't need to be turned on.
Mal: Oh yeah? Then how come it's not glowing blue or green or even purple or making funny noises when I move it?
Inara: Mal, I've found a way for you to escape.
Mal: But I don't wanna! Now, show me how to turn the sword on.
Inara: Sigh...

River: Hi Badger! Oi'm Drusilla.
Badger: Er... cool?

Inara: Mal, you suck at this.
Mal: So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?
Inara: It's what you say that worries me.

Mal: Okay Ath, let's fight!
Swords: Ching ching!
Atherton: Unimpressive... most unimpressive.
Mal: OW!
Atherton: Haha! You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't let yourself be destroyed as Obi-Wan did.
Inara: Obi-Who?
Atherton: What? OW!
Mal: Hmm. Control, control. You must learn control. So you won't be distracted, y'know. Woo, I win! And I didn't even have to kill you.
Harrow: Impressive... most impressive. You can have my cows.
Mal: Cool. Well, what a mighty fine hootnanny.
Inara: Shindig.
Mal: Whatever.

Mal: Well, I'm back.
Badger: Hi! Guess what! I found a British person who's neither smarmy nor a creep. Dru, call me!
Mal: Oh-kay...

Wash: So Kaylee walked through the ship, turned music on and it went "blip"... Okay, I still suck at poetry.

Mal: So why didn't you move in with Atherton?
Inara: His pants weren't tight enough. Also, I just don't have the UST with him that I do with you.
Mal: Well, good.
Inara: Well, it's not time for me to decide to leave yet anyway, so yep.
Mal: Wha-- Oh no.
Inara: What?
Mal: My seams just split again.
(The cows go moo and laugh at Mal at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 5, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Josephina Delahaye.