Five-Minute "Safe"
by Jade

Young Simon: Wow, look how happy and rich we are!
Young River: And look how smart I am already, at this young, tender age.
Mr. Tam: Kids, kids, can we get to the actual point of this scene? Foreshadowing?
Young River: Okay. Ahem. Dinosaurs!
Young Simon: River, the dinosaurs aren't what we're meant to be foreshadowing.
Young River: They're not? But they're such an integral part of Wash's character!
Mr. Tam: There there, never mind. The important thing is that I LOVE you and you are the MOST important things in my life. Um. Yeah.

Mal: I DON'T love you, or care about you at all, for that matter. So I'm just going to be all mean and stuff to make you absolutely clear on that matter.
River: And I'll just talk about blood, okay?
Simon: Is it me, or does this not look like it's going to be a good episode for us?

Stark: Let me show how menacing I am by skinning this rabbit and saying ominous things. Grrr! I'm scary!

Simon: Stepping in cows' droppings. Yet more bad signs.
Jayne: I'm gonna smack me some cows! Woo yeah!
Wash: If we were smuggling beagles instead of cattle Jayne wouldn't have an excuse to smack things.
Zoe: True, but they might get sick, and who would want to spend a night in the infirmary with a beagle?
Book: Plus I wouldn't get to make my "shepherd" joke.
Wash: Point taken. Anyway, "Beeeeeagles iiiin Spaaaace!" just doesn't sound quite right. What's a monosyllabic animal you could put in space?
Zoe: Jayne.

River: Cow, or not cow; that is the question!
Mal: No! No Shakespeare! You'll scare my uneducated cow buyers away.
Simon: We'll miss the cows, River and I. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Mal: Okay, that's it. Take a hike, both of you!

Kaylee: Hey Inara, look how infatuated I am with Simon!
Simon: Hey Kaylee, look how I can insult you without even trying!
Kaylee: Oh, how could you?! I hate you now! Get lost!
River: Okay.
Kaylee: No wait, not... oop, too late.

Grange Brothers: Look how bad and yet jumpy we are.
Book: Look how I'm standing around with no gun.
Mal: Look how I've taken note of that fact and am now painting a bullseye on Book's chest.

Simon: Look, police officers! Lots of police officers! Not looking for me! This must be my lucky day after all.
River: Simon, stop standing there grinning and find me. This "searching for River" scene will never look realistic if I have to keep slowing down so you can keep up.
Simon: Right! Sorry.

Mal: Okay guys, here are your cows.
Grange Brothers: What? No free gifts?!
Mal: Well, I guess I could throw in Jayne's hat, but he may have lice.
Police Officer: Nobody move! Grange brothers, you're under arrest!
Mal: Hey, police officers! Lots of police officers! Not looking for me! This must be my lucky day!
Book: O! I am shot!
Mal: ...Maybe I should learn not to say things like that.

River: Look at me dancing happily and then stopping the moment Book gets shot!
Simon: Yeah, what a weird coincidence!
River: Simon, what did I tell you about standing around grinning?
Simon: To sto-- Oof! I'm being kidnapped!
River: Darnit. Just when I found a cute dance partner. Simon ruins all my fun...

Book: O! Ack! Argh! Woe is me!
Mal: Wash! Go find the doctor! He should be on a hiking trip somewhere.

Simon: Hiking with mean guys who punch you is no fun.

Past Simon: Mom, Dad, River's in trouble.
Mr. and Mrs. Tam: Meh.

River: Ooh, a hiking trip! Mind if I join?

Wash: I couldn't find the doctor. Seems he didn't follow the correct signs on the hiking trail. Took the path marked "Kidnappers' Village."
Mal: Oh well. Let's abandon him. See how much I don't care? Good. Remember that.

Book: O! Ack! Argh! Woe is me!
Zoe: It's okay, Shepherd. I'll tell you some War Stories to cheer you up.

Inara: Let me make an ambiguous suggestion about where to get help for Book.
Mal: No.

Stark: Ah, here we are. Home sweet village straight out of a western.

Jayne: Hehe, I'm wearing Simon's stethoscope and going through his things. Hehe. Ooh, cash!

Book: O! Ack! Argh! Woe is me!
Zoe: You can stop moaning now Shepherd, you're unconscious.
Book: Oh. Sorry.
Zoe: Good. Now Kaylee, as I was saying --
Book: O! I am passed out!
Kaylee: Should I maybe put another bullet in him?

Alliance Cruiser Magellan: I, the mighty Death Star, could squash you like a bug, Firefly!
Serenity: Death Star?
Alliance Cruiser Magellan: Er... Death Fork-Like Thing?
Serenity: Okay, I'm not really sure I want to dock with this thing. I might catch something.

Simon: Oh, look how noble I am, helping these people even though they kidnapped me!
River: You're trying to score points with someone, aren't you?
Simon: You think it's working?
River: Only if the points you want to score are negative. Excessive good-heartedness is annoying.

Alliance Officer: Hi! I'm mean and stuff.
Book: O! I have a magic ident card!
Alliance Officer: I retract that statement. I'm helpful and stuff.

Doralee: We're all very kind and loving and would never hurt anyone. It's perfectly "Safe" here. Really!

Book: O! I am being operated on by friendly Alliance surgeons!
Mal: So d'you reckon they can remove his vocal cords while they're at it?
Zoe: God, I hope so.
Book: Oy! No blaspheming!
Mal: Well, I guess "Oy!" is a slight improvement...

River: Can I make my moving speech yet?
Doralee: Only if you want to get burned at the stake.
River: (shrugs) Sure, okay.

Mr. Tam: Simon, I disown you. You're just not selfish enough to be my son.
Past Simon: Well, drat.

River: I'm going to do something extremely stupid and pretty much prove to everyone here that I can indeed read minds.
Simon: Go right ahead, I wanna see the fire. Fire pretty.

Book: O! I have a secret!
Mal: You're better now, Shepherd. You don't have to do that anymore.
Book: Aw.

Mal: Woo, I get to be all ambiguous about whether we're going to rescue Simon and River. Ambiguity rocks.

Simon: I wanna be burned too!
Mal: 'Fraid neither of you is going to get burned. The ambiguity wore off.
Jayne: Also, I wanted to point a gun at someone, and Mal was afraid Book would start going "O!" again if it was him.
Zoe: And what kind of idiots try to set a River on fire anyway?

Jayne: Um, I didn't break your stethoscope. Really. It just sort of came apart when I was, um, cleaning your room. Yeah, that's it.
Simon: I don't believe you. If only because everything I own now says "JAYNE" on it in big wobbly crayon writing.

Mal: I was lying earlier when I said I didn't care about you. This whole episode has taught me that we need you, because otherwise we'll go crazy from people saying "O!" all the time.
Simon: O.
Mal: Darnit.
(The crew chatter and eat their meal at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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