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Five-Minute Final Fantasy Tactics

Chapter 2

by Pteryx

Ovelia: God, please sa-- oh wait, we did this part already. Never mind.

Ramza: Well, so much for avoiding the saving-the-princess cliche.
Gafgarion: So which way did he go?
Agrias: The inpregnable fortress, Bethla Garrison.
Ramza: Impregnable? Hah! That means nothing to us playable characters! Let's get 'em!

Hokuten Knight: We're kidnapping the Princess!
Delita: No, I am!
Agrias: Have they been here arguing about who gets to act out the cliché the whole time?
Gafgarion: Who cares? Let's help the Hokuten!
Ramza: Not again!
(hack, hack, hack)
Gafgarion: NINJA VANISH!
Agrias: But you're a Dark Knight!
Gafgarion: Oh, whatever. (beams away)
Delita: I'll let you save the Princess for now.
Ramza: Okay. After all, you're my best friend; you couldn't possibly be up to something bad even though you're being all mysterious, right?

Bart Company People: Give us the Holy Stone!
Mustadio: No!
Ramza: Oh, look! Someone else to save! As long as we're here.... (shrug)
(hack, hack, hack)
Mustadio: I have to see Cardinal Draclau!
Agrias: Why?
Ovelia: Who cares, let's just run with the coincidental plot device!

Draclau: Agrias, Ovelia, stay here and I'll help you.
Agrias: Cool!
Draclau: And Mustadio, I'll send people to help stop Bart Company from stealing that Holy Stone you're hiding that's so similar to the one I've got here.
Mustadio: Aww, you're no fun. I liked acting mysterious like the rest of the people in this game....

Mustadio: Waaah, it's all swampy here!
Ramza: Waaah, it's all rainy here!
Generic: (fwaps) Just kill the undead in this random encounter and get back to the relevant scenes!

Mustadio: Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!
Ramza: You go find out while I buy a few of these "gun" things you use.
Mustadio: See you in the slums tonight!

Ramza: ~Mustaaaaadio! Where aaare you?~
Rudvich: Right here! Give me the Holy Stone and we'll give you him and his dad!
Ramza: But I don't know where it is!
Mustadio: It's right next to you, you idiot.
Ramza: Oh yeah... here. (throws it to Rudvich)
Rudvich: Thanks a lot! Bart Company, Church troops, get him!
(hack, hack, hack)
Besrodio: Thanks for saving me, but the Cardinal's going to get the second Holy Stone thanks to Ramza being so naive!
Mustadio: Maybe Ramza didn't know any better, but I did! (pulls out the real Taurus Zodiac Stone)
Ramza: Gee, thanks a lot... let's just sneak-attack Lionel Castle and save the princess. Again.

Ramza: Delita! What're you doing in this town?
Delita: Telling you to stop running around trying to be a hero.
Ramza: And why not?
Delita: ~'Cause I know something you don't know! Nyah nyah na-nyah nyah!~
Ramza: Well, if you're going to be that way about it, forget it.

Agrias: Help! I'm cornered by church troops!
Mustadio: Why can't she fight them off herself? She's powerful!
Ramza: One, there's too many of them. Two, I think it's an excuse to have another rescue fight scene.
Mustadio: I take it you get used to this eventually?
(hack, hack, hack)
Agrias: They caught the Princess while we were escaping and are going to kill her! Let's go!

Ramza: Stop! Don't execute her!
Executioner: Okay, I won't execute part of the army I'm about to kill you with.
(Gafgarion throws off executioner costume, Generic archer throws off Ovelia costume)
Agrias: YOU again?
(hack, hack, hack)
Gafgarion: Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb!
Ramza: Hey, I resent that!... I mean, that doesn't make evil any more right!
Gafgarion: Stubborn kid. NINJA VANISH!
Ramza: But you're... oh, this is a running gag, isn't it.

Delita: Aren't you eating? What, do you think it's poisoned?
Ovelia: Well, yes.
Draclau: Don't be silly. We need you alive, even if you are a fake.
Ovelia: WHAT?
Vormav: Yeah, some nobles made a few fake IDs to make sure you'd ascend next.
Delita: ...

[Back to our heroes]
Gafgarion: Hah! I've trapped you inside the outer gates of Lionel Castle and your party outside where they're being ambushed right now! You'll have to fight me one on one!
Generic Lancer: (leaps over the wall) Unless he has friends with the Jump ability....
Generic Time Mage: (beams in) ....or Teleport....
Mustadio: (flies in on a big purple bird) ....or provides them with black chocobos.
Gafgarion: ....Oh crap. I'm going to die for real this time, aren't I?
(hack, hack, hack)

Ramza: We're here to save the Princess!
Draclau: Sorry, she got sick of being kidnapped all the time and decided to help us instead.
Ramza: Well, that's a new way of manipulating someone.
Draclau: You keep trying to stop us, but you can't do a thing without power! For instance, I'll demonstrate the power of the Holy Stones for you! (holds up the Scorpio Zodiac Stone, turns into Queklain) ROOOAAAR!
Ramza: (frowning) Turning into a demon isn't very holy, is it?
(hack, hack, hack)
Ramza: (snatches up the Scorpio Zodiac Stone) We've got to stop the Church from getting any more of these!

Alazlam: Meanwhile, Larg and Goltana both tried to squeeze their respective puppet rulers, Orinas and Ovelia, into the throne of Ivalice, but they wouldn't both fit, so the Lion War began... all according to the Church's plans.


Previous fiver: Chapter 1
Next fiver: Chapter 3

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This fiver was originally published on March 20, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Squaresoft, but seeing as original PSX is no longer the major gaming platform, I doubt they'll be beating down my door. Which reminds me -- how does "PSX" manage to stand for PlayStation? Where does the X come from? Will mankind ever know the answers to these questions that haunt us?

All material © 2002, Pteryx.